Contact in open adoption

I am a birth/first mother, not an adoptive mom, but I think I can explain a couple dynamics to you about my side of the triad. A LOT of first moms who have open adoptions are scared to death of saying or doing the wrong thing. They're afraid of being shut out of the child's life completely and often talk about "walking on eggshells" when it comes to contact with adoptive parents. Then there are those first moms who want everything they write or say to sound perfect. I was guilty of that one myself, even though my son's adoption was a closed one. (I relinquished way back in 1972, the end of the Baby Scoop Era, and there were no OAs yet.) Because of difficult circumstances, my son's parents were allowed to contact me through the adoption agency when he was 13 in 1985. They naturally had tons of questions for me, and I remember struggling for weeks on end trying to get each word and each sentence right. Day after day, I would write and rewrite the letters about my social, academic, and health backgrounds. I always ended up not being satisfied and tossing it into the trashcan. The postadoptions caseworker had to call me several times before I finally just sucked it up and sent the tome I had written. Another thing that is rather common is many birth/first mothers don't feel worthy at all. Many feel they are inferior to their child's parents. It's not surprising, since the agencies tell expectant mothers how they're giving their babies to people who will be better parents, and their children will have better lives being raised by other families. There is one other common dynamic, and that is grief. Birth/first moms frequently don't realize the amount of pain and grief that they'll experience after placing their babies for adoption. Some women deal with that pain and loss by not facing it and by making themselves emotionally numb. They often simply can't bring themselves to talk to their child's parents when they're experiencing intense emotional pain. Did I make any sense at all? I'm not an expert on this stuff, but I've been around the adoption community for many years and have met many, many first moms. If there's anything you'd like me to clarify, just give me a holler. :loveyou:

Thanks Raven, I was hoping some first/birthmoms would reply. I feel like an annoyance at times, and often wonder if I'm doing/saying the right thing too. There wasn't an agency or really anyone to help guide us so both birth family and adoptive family have been navigating this best we can....

Amom here. Our son's adoption is very open. Kind of! LOL. His bmom died when he was only 7 mo old, and his bdad has chosen to have no contact. But we have a great relationship with my son's siblings, aunts, uncles, grandmother and even great grand parents. Here's what I mean by great: 1. We see the kids (my son is 3, bro is 4 and sis is 7) about every 2-3 months. I call and set up a time. I have never been turned down. We go get them, let them have fun, and take them home again. Bio family never has to lift a finger. 2. After each visit, I make 3 identical photo albums (the little "brag book size) One, I put in my son's room and the other two I mail to the kids. (They are in different homes). 3. We are FB friends with an aunt and uncle. We politely "LIKE" pictures of each other's kids. They rarely comment. 4. In 3 1/2 years, they have only initiated contact once. Very out of character. Here's the thing. All of this that my hubby and I do is for our son. One day, I will sit across from my son and answer questions for him. I refuse for one of his questions to be, "Did you even care about my bio family?" He will never have to ask that. Yes, I have sometimes asked my hubby, "Really, all this work to maintain a one-sided relationship, is it worth it?" Then we go pick up his big brother or his big sis and I see his little eyes light up. And he talks about them for days after a visit. He loves to look at pictures of them. He does, however, say that he is good with them living with their family! LOL. One day, it will pay off. I know it will. God bless you for working to keep your child's roots strong.

I am the only one in our relationship who initiates contact for the most part. Raven and others have shared about the fears and other dynamics, and I get it, but I still feel the same kinds of anxiety about contact. I've been stewing for a couple of weeks over whether I should send pictures from a recent trip or not. I have heard from my son's bmom twice; once in reply when I asked for medical information and once spontaneously. Each time I have heard I hoped it meant we would have more contact, and then I worry that I am saying or doing things wrong, especially when I don't hear from her again. There is no denying that we are in a position of power vs. our kids' bparents, it's also hard (for me anyway) to see it that way sometimes. I'm also afraid that they will cut off contact, because I worry what that would do to my son, and I worry that they will disapprove of me or be disappointed in me. I know it isn't rational, but it's still there. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in that questioning and second-guessing.

Thank you so much for posting this, Raven; it brought tears to my eyes. I am pretty sure our son's birth mom has made herself emotionally numb, just as you describe, at the expense of his two older biological sisters. I so wish she could get counseling or help, and so does her mom, but that doesn't seem to be something she's interested in. To the OP - we are really fortunate in our relationship with the birth families. We see them about once a year (they live in Texas, we live in Washington DC, so it's a big trip), but they definitely text us once in a while, and we talk on the phone every so often, so it doesn't feel one-sided. Having said that, I realize that if it were up to the birth parents alone, we'd probably have very little contact - the involvement of grandparents and aunts keeps it as lively as it is. (And one grandma sends a million pictures of our son's bio sisters, which is much appreciated.)

Thank you so much for posting this, Raven; it brought tears to my eyes. I am pretty sure our son's birth mom has made herself emotionally numb, just as you describe, at the expense of his two older biological sisters. I so wish she could get counseling or help, and so does her mom, but that doesn't seem to be something she's interested in. To the OP - we are really fortunate in our relationship with the birth families. We see them about once a year (they live in Texas, we live in Washington DC, so it's a big trip), but they definitely text us once in a while, and we talk on the phone every so often, so it doesn't feel one-sided. Having said that, I realize that if it were up to the birth parents alone, we'd probably have very little contact - the involvement of grandparents and aunts keeps it as lively as it is. (And one grandma sends a million pictures of our son's bio sisters, which is much appreciated.)

When I first found this forum, I would never have believed what I am about to share...... We truly could not ask for a more perfect open adoption. We live about 3 hours apart so don't get to visit more than a few times a year, but when we do it's great. We go there, they come here, we have met at different places. We call, we text, we Facebook. They are just a part of our lives, as are any of our extended family. Sometimes it's a day visit, sometimes it's several days. For us, it's "whatever". My children (who share the same first mom) are now almost 13 and 10. They have a relationship with their birthfamily independent of our family relationship - if that makes any sense. It's not unusual for me to ask my daughter who she is texting and have her answer that she's talking to D, her bmom. Or for my son to be on Xbox Live with his big brother. When it's been a while, they ask to see each other. They call each other just to chat like kids do with their friends, sometimes they call and talk about "important stuff" like when did big brother hit puberty, LOL. Bmom and I have a great friendship as well as our shared love for our children, and her new wife is as much a part of our family. We also have the same with the kids birthgrandmother and greatgrandmother. Of course the kids connections to their birthfamily is the basis for our relationship, but we all truly love and enjoy one another.

Billy's Mom, did that occur over time? Things seemed more communicative at the beginning even though I was still the one initiating. Ruth....this is me to a T! If I could just get a "yes/no, thank you, more please/less please, or something" then I would feel like what I give in terms of communication, pictures, etc. is enough or wanted, or that they got them, or I dont know what... Im just trying to do what's right and good for birthfamily and my daughter but its hard with little feedback.

I have a totally open adoption. I communicate regularly with b-paternal-grandfather and b-dad, who is a friend of mine. B-mom and I were pretty tight right before and right after the adoption, but as Mini has gotten older, I think it's become harder on her. When he was teeny tiny, she could hold him and feed him his bottle; now when she visits, he cries for me when she holds him. I think, though I'm guessing on the feelings since I'm not her, that this must be heartbreaking. She has been visiting and talking to me less. I want to keep communication open, but I don't want to keep pouring salt in a wound and I want to give her space if she needs it. It's a tough situation, but like the others said, you do it for the child. Good luck to you and I hope you figure things out.

Good luck to you too. It does seem like age plays a role. I imagine things will ebb and flow a bit in the grand scheme.

It never worked for us. I agonized over what I wrote my son's birthmom. We had a difficult first year, she regretted her decision, crossed boundaries, threatened to take him back with a lawyer and really upset me. She never met me half way and she'd promise him things that never came. She wasn't there for him when he started asking questions. She wasn't ready to deal with it at the time and blamed me for filling our son's head with ideas. It was hurtful because he felt secondary rejection when she just closed down at that point. I sent updates and photos for nine years after that without a response. When he turned twelve, he opted to end all contact and told her that he wanted to be the one to initiate anything in the future. If she ever came back into our lives, addressing me, I'd ask for some kind of confirmation that she's had counseling and that she's ready and willing to support our son in his new life. But he's almost fifteen now and I don't see that happening. Furthermore, I owe it to our son to respect his wishes and right now, he wants no contact with biological family members. We adopted again, and chose Haiti. Our daughter was a special needs waiting orphan (5 yrs old at placement). Having no contact for the one domestic adoption makes things easier for the international one not having contact with anyone. There's no jealousy or different treatment. I personally am skeptical that the majority of "stranger" infant adoption placements do well with OA. People wait years for a situation and don't consider the dynamics of relatives the way that they do when they know everyone involved.

Thanks for starting this thread, Smiles. I think a lot of us are in this same situation. Although Sweetpea's adoption went through an agency there wasn't any guidance. We were matched through a separate source and the adoption went through her agency, not mine. We were only matched for 2 weeks and I was told she wanted no contact. She changed her mind later but we were on our own with no formal agreement about type or amount of contact. I've put it out there that I'm open to visits but no response has told me that she's not up for it yet (I love hearing stories about how that changed, it gives me hope). It's really hard to know the right thing. As MeInIL said, I worry about rubbing salt in the wound but it certainly doesn't feel right to cut back on contact, either. All we can do is put ourselves out there and be as sensitive and compassionate as possible. If we come from that place we'll do the right things.