Concerned Grandma

Thanks for your reply. I believe they take the baby to the agency for follow-up visits until 6 months from date of adoption. I am not privy to what has transpired during the visits and would not be told if there are concerns. I would hope the agency would notice his overweight condition and ask for details about his feeding schedule. But would they figure out he is being forced to eat during daytime hours so he sleeps at night? Would they associate the acid reflux and diarrhea with forced feedings too close together? I also don't know if the adoption coordinator would assess whether he is thriving emotionally and bonding with mother --- if he's held and cuddled or just left in the crib to cry it out. Would they think it unusual that a 3 month old doesn't smile or even make eye contact with his parents as he did me? These are the things I ponder and why I asked if I should just call the agency to express my concerns. Would they just write me off as a meddling grandparent or take my concerns seriously?

Thanks. I dread having to make such a call knowing that they may tell my daughter. But I keep asking myself what is more important, the baby's welfare or my relationship with my daughter. The answer is obvious to me.

But if my relationship with my daughter deteriorates, which it already has, I may not be allowed to visit my grandson, which would break my heart. The Babywise program is like a cult. Multitudes of naive young parents have been brainwashed to neglect and abuse their children who then develop personality disorders.

The agency should be assessing bonding. When I adopted my son, during the post placement visits they asked about things like how I am showing affection, saw us interact, etc. Some of it will depend on how honest your daughter is with them. They will not be able to tell that he has gained so much weight, as well as having diarrhea and acid reflux, because of the feeding schedule; there could be a lot of reasons for that. They might be concerned if he does not does not seem to connect with parents, but again, they could tell the social worker that he is having a bad day, etc; unless she had reason to think that this was a general pattern with him, it's easy to hide a lot in the post placement visits, because they are really only about an hour once a month. So if your daughter thinks what she is doing is fine and answers questions about schedule and feeding and such honestly, they may pick up on it; if she knows they will disapprove and isn't honest, they may not.

I'm going to be the dissenter here and tell you that you should mind your own business. Your daughter is regularly taking the child to a pediatrician, following the ped's recommendations for feeding, and is also likely following up with the adoption agency. If the ped thought the child was obese, he/she would talk to your daughter about it. You are upset and worried over a difference in parenting styles. MANY parents put 3 month olds on schedules, and it doesn't mean they are not bonding with their children. My foster son is 5 months old. When he was 2 months old, the ped suggested trying to squeeze in another feeding during the day to see if it helped him sleep through the night. This is not uncommon advice to give. It's extremely difficult to force feed an infant--they spit it out, they refuse to suck, etc. Take a deep breath, take a step back, and allow your daughter to find her way in her parenting journey. I'm sure you did not know everything there was to know with your 1st child, just as none of us did.

Babywise is hardly a cult, I think. It does NOT require you to forcefeed a child, ignore its cries, etc. What it does recommend is that while the child is young, you feed him or her every 3 hours, followed by a little activity, and then sleep after that. I followed the Baby Whisperer, which was similar, and my child naturally started sleeping through the night at exactly 12 weeks, a little before 3 months old. My adopted baby is very big, too. He is 6 months now and 22 lbs. He had reflux from the time he was a 7 lb. newborn. Rice is often added as a thickener to formula for reflux babies, and while this may be controversial, it does help. However, it sounds like the formula your baby is having is Enfamil AR (added rice), which is made specifically FOR reflux. My baby has been on this since his reflux started. Just as a comparison, from the time he was 3 months old, he drank 7-8 oz. every three hours. He, too, was 15 lbs. As the JMD suggested, it is VERY hard to overfeed a baby, especially if you are feeding every 3 hours (which is fairly normal until 4-5 months, which is when my boy switched to every 4 hours). When babies are full, they stop sucking. They turn their heads, etc. Reflux babies cry a lot. This does not mean they need to be fed earlier. Often, they are in pain, and sucking down milk helps them feel better. Your daughter may want to take the baby to a Ped GI doc to check about meds. Prevacid worked wonders on my little guy. I had trouble bonding with my baby BECAUSE he had reflux. He screamed 24-7 until he was on meds and he was finally able to sleep. When I was finally able to sleep, I was able to bond with him. I was so wiped from lack of sleep that all I could think about was sleeping. Your daughter may be experiencing this as well. Sleep is important. For preemies, a strict eating schedule is highly recommended. NICUs feed preemies every three hours on the dot. I suggest you think carefully about your options and perhaps re-read Babywise. It really is not nearly as harsh as you make it out to be.

You might want to talk with your grandbaby's pediatrician, in confidence, to see what he/she thinks about the Babywise system, the reflux, and the weight gain. Express your concerns, and see if he/she thinks that they are justified. He may not be able to give you too many specifics about your grandbaby because of privacy requirements, but he is likely to be more attentive to the issues you raise when examining the child in the future.While excessive scheduling is not good, many families do use a schedule for sleep and feeding, and it works if occasional departures are tolerated. As an example, many parents prevent night terrors in toddlers by trying to keep to a fairly consistent bedtime/naptime schedule. It won't completely prevent them, but it DOES keep the frequency of them down.As far as reflux, it's very painful for a baby, and a doctor should be consulted about medication and other options. A baby in pain will cry, and that can disturb a parent's sleep, but he/she should not be left alone to cry it out, and he/she SHOULD get medical care to manage the pain.I am much more concerned about the failure of the parents to hold, cuddle, and comfort their child. A child should be HELD, not propped on a pillow, for feeding. As an internationally adoptive Mom, I know that many kids in foreign orphanages are fed with bottles propped in their cribs, and also rushed to finish, because there aren't enough staff. The impact on bonding is a serious one, and a good many kids come home with mild to more severe attachment issues.And you CAN'T spoil a newborn. The more you hold, cuddle, and rock your baby, and respond to his/her every need, the more WELL adjusted he/she will be. Frankly, it's also impossible to prevent a newborn from waking every two hours. A baby's tummy capacity is simply too small to hold a lot of food at once. Whether or not you use Babywise, your child will usually start sleeping through the night at a certain point, when he/she can hold enough food to sleep longer. And if a child has reflux, he/she will cry at night, regardless of whether you use Babywise, until you find a way of managing the problem.Talk to the pediatrician BEFORE you talk to the agency, to get his/her opinion. If you don't feel satisfied, call the agency and ask if the agency would be willing to keep your call confidential. Again, your goal should be to have the agency focus a little more on the issues during the next post-placement visit. All too often, these visits become very routine and rushed, but if the agency knows your concerns, it may focus on the issues you raise a little more.Sharon

You might want to talk with your grandbaby's pediatrician, in confidence, to see what he/she thinks about the Babywise system, the reflux, and the weight gain. Express your concerns, and see if he/she thinks that they are justified. He/she may not be able to give you too many specifics about your grandbaby because of privacy requirements, but he/she is likely to be more attentive to the issues you raise when examining the child in the future. While excessive scheduling is not good, many families do use a schedule for sleep and feeding, and it works if occasional departures are tolerated. As an example, many parents prevent night terrors in toddlers by trying to keep to a fairly consistent bedtime/naptime schedule. It won't completely prevent them, but it DOES keep the frequency of them down. I know, as I had a child who had night terrors till age 4, and their frequency was always much greater if she got off schedule with naps and bedtime. As far as reflux, it's very painful for a baby, and a doctor should be consulted about medication and other options. A baby in pain will cry, and that can disturb a parent's sleep, but he/she should not be left alone to cry it out, and he/she SHOULD get medical care to manage the pain. I am much more concerned about the failure of the parents to hold, cuddle, and comfort their child. A child should be HELD, not propped on a pillow, for feeding, and feeding should go on at a leisurely pace to reduce the likelihood of reflux. As an internationally adoptive Mom, I know that many kids in foreign orphanages are fed with bottles propped in their cribs, and also rushed to finish, because there aren't enough staff. The impact on bonding is a serious one, and a good many kids come home with mild to more severe attachment issues. Remember that you CAN'T spoil a newborn or young infant. The more you hold, cuddle, and rock your baby, and respond to his/her every need, the more WELL adjusted he/she will be. Frankly, it's also impossible to prevent a newborn from waking every two hours. A baby's tummy capacity is simply too small to hold a lot of food at once. Whether or not you use Babywise, your child will usually start sleeping through the night at a certain point, when he/she can hold enough food to sleep longer. And if a child has reflux, he/she will cry at night, regardless of whether you use Babywise, until you find a way of managing the problem. Your baby's body, rather than your convenience, should guide you in setting up a schedule. Talk to the pediatrician BEFORE you talk to the agency, to get his/her opinion. If you don't feel satisfied, call the agency and ask if the agency would be willing to keep your call confidential. Again, your goal should be to have the agency focus a little more on the issues during the next post-placement visit. All too often, these visits become very routine and rushed, but if the agency knows your concerns, it may focus on the issues you raise a little more. Sharon

Gosh, I feel like you took the words right out of my brain! I verged on depressive, too, and I, too, tried to do everything right and follow all the books. I am a single adoptive mother, and I really felt I had made the worst decision of my life. My mom saved my relationship with my son by being non-judgmental, moving me into her house, taking the 10:30pm feeding so I could sleep from 7:00 to 1:30 in the morning. I stayed with her for 9 weeks and never heard her complain. She really, truly was my angel. My brother had biological twin daughters with formula intolerances and I remember seeing him and his wife when the twins were about a month or two old. My brother was white, exhausted, and he kept saying, "I hate my life, I hate this. Never have kids. Never." Incidentally, three months later, all was forgotten and his wife was pregnant again. Remembering my brother's despair made me feel like I wasn't an awful mother because of adoption. I was like so many other parents, biological or not, who were exhausted and stretched to the point of breaking. Help your daughter out and avoid judgment. There's a reason people use lack of sleep as a form of torture...

I appreciate all the advice, even the criticism. I do want to do the right thing and know I'm not a perfect parent. What is most difficult for me is letting a baby cry for long periods. It just seems insensitive to expect a preemie to sleep through the night (8 hrs) at 8 weeks. Part of being a parent is sacrificing your own comfort for your child. I have 3 adult children and I came to the conclusion with my daughter that letting her "cry it out" in the crib was not conducive to bonding. For years she was painfully shy and lacked self confidence. With her younger siblings, I made every effort to calm their crying even though I was sleep deprived. I have no regrets as I did with my daughter. I don't live in her area but several hours away. When I visited for 2 weeks I took the night shift so she could get some sleep. It was bonding time for me and my grandson. My main worry is that she won't bond with her baby which is foundational to a healthy relationship. Thanks again for your replies. They are helping me to work through this.

I can honestly say I felt that I did not feel anything other than exhaustion for my child for the first two or three months. I felt like I was babysitting someone else's constantly screaming kid. At about the third month, when I finally was sleeping, I bonded with him and fell in love with him. He is, I believe, bonded to me, too, and he knows I am momma. My brother's kids screamed and screamed and they are now bonded to their parents as well. I love my son so much now that I could not imagine life without him. Four months ago, I would have sent him back to his birth mom with very few regrets. As you mention, with a first child, you make mistakes. But if these were irreparable, all first children would be seriously damaged. Wait another few months and I bet you things will get better. I know you are trying to do your best. Thank you for helping your daughter. Adopting a child is a very strange experience... for some, it is simple. For others, it takes a while to bond with a child you did not bear. Keep doing the best you can; only you will know what the right thing to do is.

OP this must be so difficult for you. I would suggest instead of calling the agency perhaps connecting with a close friend of your daughter or your son's parents about their thoughts, if that conversation can be had in a confidential manner. Perhaps they can provide you some information from their visits that calms you or confirms your thoughts then you will have more people to attempt to change their thoughts. I don't know if you are in a position to do this but where I live you can have a doula consultation for a nominal amount. Someone gave me a certificate and the doula came over and organized some stations in my house and the nursery talked about baby sleep strategies. It was great. She was in the middle ground between "baby wearing" and "baby wise" and since the advice was coming for a professional not from someone who I felt was judging and finding me wanting it was easier for me to take in.

Now you took the words right out of MY mouth. I'll never forget sobbing when DD #2 was an infant. She had colic and reflux. I had colic as a baby and it all became clear hearing my mothers stories of horror at my own colic. They are impossible to bond fully with at that point. I'd hurt someone who looked at her wrong, but the statement you made about 2 months in and wondering if return was an option. Whew that as a mother made me cry because I felt the same way and harbor horrific guilt at the thought. But it's sooo true. Thankfully it does get better and my daughter was put in her crib to cry it out because I couldn't help her, there was no treatment for hours and hours of horrible pain. No meds fixed it. She was on Prevacid and Zantac (plus any natural remedy I could get my hands on for colic) and still cried whether I was holding and bouncing her or if she was laying in her bed. Sometimes for my own mental health (no sleep, depression and a screaming infant (who doesn't feel like yours yet) is very hard. But it's sooo worth it. OP - Please be kind to your daughter. Parenting the first few months is hard. If you see serious abuse or neglect that's a whole different topic. But putting on a feeding schedule and allowing them to cry it out in a safe environment (is not either). It doesn't sound like you're very close to your daughter and perhaps if you were you'd find a better understanding of the situation. I think going to either source is a bit premature at this point (UNLESS you suspect more). My colic child is one of he happiest sweetest most loving children I've ever met. Anyone who meets her calls her smiles. So keep that in mind when you are worried that they wont bond. My child was unhappy for nearly 4 months starting at birth.

The guilt is awful, isn't it, wrking21? I still feel guilty about it. And within the last 6 weeks, Mini has gotten SIX FLIPPING TEETH, and it's made his reflux come back with a vengeance. Now that I'm totally bonded to him, the situation is different, however I'm still at my wits' end often enough and was crying in the car today over it all. Sometimes you can't fix it and you have to take a sanity break and take care of your needs to. We have to remember that... Often, I find the world seems to think adoptive parents should act better and more patient and more perfect because it was "your choice to adopt" (yes, I've heard this), and everyone who's on the outside seems to think of adopting a child as a magical fairy tale and they tend to ignore or brush under the rug any time the a-parent mentions being overwhelmed or stressed. As a single a-mom, I'm so grateful my mom continues to back me up, no matter how beside myself I sometimes get.

Yes the guilt is horrible. We put soooo much pressure on ourselves I think because we did go in to it eyes wide open and with thought. Yes Bug has gotten 4 teeth in the last month and she gets high fever, runny poo's and the whole winy sha bang every time! I agree. I don't know what I would have done had my mother felt the same way. I'd be crushed. It was such a difficult time.