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I just don't get it!
I have always been told i was adopted. Mom mom was also adopted and was always told. My parent tried for years to have a child and many miscarriages later i was adopted.
now that i have a son I have been asking about what i was like as a baby
"I don't remember. "
What was my first word ?
"I don't remember. "
When did I learn to walk?
"I don't remember. "
What was my demeanor as a child?
"I don't remember. But i do remember you slept through the night at 6 weeks."
Well that's just fine and dandy since they only had me 3 weeks or so at that point.
So I ask about any details of my adoption like
How old was i when you got me?
Do you know if the mother lived at Hope cottage?
All I get is
"I don't remember. "
Seriously thanks !
My mom re-married a verbally abusive jerk and he probably would have hit us if I hadn't said I'd call cps when he tried to hit my brother when I was 9 shortly after they married.
My mom is so not interested in me. It's weird to even hug her. I would not think it would not be that way for a wanted baby. Although even my friends that met us as an adult say that my brother means more to them than I do.
My Dad Never Ever calls except for once on my birthday. He waits for me to call him. I told him it would make me feel good if he called every once in a while. He's retired and bored he has the time.
I have some pretty great friends who comment on how they can't believe how normal I am with the crap I've gone through.
Then I got married... To an amazing man with a very crazy family.
My mother in law had the audacity to say to my face that "we don't know where you came from your adopted. We know Jesus' lineage but not yours. We were at a family counselor for her hitting me while I was pregnant.
That's just a brief glimpse in to my crazy family.
It just makes me feel like I am so unwanted. No birth family wanted me, my adoptive family acts as if they could careless, my in-laws don't want me. My husband is the only family that wants me.
I'm just really struggling with this right now I know I have a lot of good things in my life outside of all this family crap i just need to get this out in a safe place to get over it.
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Lots to respond to in what you said.
The "main" question - how could adoptive parents forget? Well, that has several possible answers. Some adoptive parents WANT to forget the details of their adopted child's earliest moments - since they want to move forward with their adoptive child "as if s/he's their own," they focus on that... and put the other details behind them. I know my own adoptive mom did that - she claimed not to remember anything at all about my birth mother, but little details would slip out here and there that showed she did know. She just didn't WANT to.
As for your own particular situation, it sounds, honestly, like your adoptive parents are just not interested, involved parents. Some people (adoptive parents and otherwise) view having a child almost as something they have to check off on a list of things to do in life. They go ahead and do it, without really ever wanting, or really getting involved in, the parenting experience. They lose out on the joys of parenting, even though they're parents... and their kids end up with a pretty crappy deal. I'm sorry.
As for your mother-in-law, wow. Talk about toxic. What a wretched thing to say. And do! That's a woman with a heart two sizes too small... You're generous for being willing to do family counseling.
And as for birth family - did you search for/reunite with anyone in your birth family? You didn't mention, except to say they didn't want you. There are no guarantees, of course, but there are some adoptees who have found their birth families and discovered they were very much wanted. (Of course, there are many others who are rejected all over again. It all boils down to the individuals involved, and nobody can predict what they'll find...)
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meaganhope21
I just don't get it!
I have always been told i was adopted. Mom mom was also adopted and was always told. My parent tried for years to have a child and many miscarriages later i was adopted.
now that i have a son I have been asking about what i was like as a baby
"I don't remember. "
What was my first word ?
"I don't remember. "
When did I learn to walk?
"I don't remember. "
What was my demeanor as a child?
"I don't remember. But i do remember you slept through the night at 6 weeks."
Well that's just fine and dandy since they only had me 3 weeks or so at that point.
i agree with what a PP said - it's hard to remember all those details. my kids are almost 10, 7 and 4 1/2. i remember a lot about my youngest but my oldest is fuzzy. i wrote everything down for all 3 so i can look it up. thank goodness!
all 3 of my kids were very much wanted and hard earned (fertility issues, multiple m/c and IVF treatments) but it's hard to remember exact details. it's all going by so fast and i'm trying so hard to soak in details but my mom will say remember when your oldest did this? and i will reply, no but thank goodness you do! lol.
that aside, it sounds like you have a dysfunctional family and your MIL sounds like a winner (not). i'm sorry you have such flaky adults in your life. and i 2nd what another PP said, it's quite possible to locate your birth family and find out that you were very much wanted. i am one such case. at least by my birth mom. my birth father was a different story but not one i care about anyway.
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I have to disagree with those who say it is normal to forget. Some details are difficult to remember - my son is only 3, and I'm not 100% sure what his first word is, but I could tell you some of the early ones. I work with kids and families, and as part of assessments I ask about milestones, temperament, and things like that, and I'm always surprised when parents can't give an answer. Most are very general answers, or they may have some things they don't remember, but if someone has no idea on any of those things, I am very surprised (by the way, this has happened maybe a handful of times in all my years doing this). IF a parent's answer to all the questions about development is "I don't remember," there is usually something more going on, whether it is substance use, emotional disconnect, or an actually memory issue, like an organic brain disease or traumatic brain injury.
Hmmm, some of this could be age if your a-mother is older. My a-mother is in her 60s and is the same way. She remembers more specifics about her own childhood 55-60 years ago than mine 15-20 years ago.
Some of it could also be disinterest as emerald said. I had always suspected that my a-mother never really wanted to parent and I finally subtly broached the subject and she freely admitted that my a-father (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years now) was the one who wanted to adopt. Not because he wanted children, he basically wanted little disciples to lecture and fill with his wisdom. But then their marriage broke down when I was around 12 and she ended up stuck with my brother and I. Not a role she ever really wanted.
I'm sorry about your inlaws. That sounds awful and it's definitely not your fault or anything to do with you! If an adult is going to go around insulting and hitting people than they're going to dig and pick until they find something to dislike about someone. Adoption is just convenient in this case. They'd just as easily hit and insult someone for their race or height or hair color or weight I bet.
Please remember that all the problems they have are their problems. They're not reflective of you not being a wonderful person or a wanted person. It's simply their own inability to love or be affectionate or even a mature adult who remembers the preschool rule of keeping your hands to yourself even when you're mad. ;) I know it can be hard when it seems like everyone around you seems to dislike you, but some people are just unlikely and surrounded by sad, immature, mean people. Misery loves company afterall and one mean, miserable person tends to create more in the same area. Unfortunately anyone they can't convert ends up caught in their tornado of insults and attacks and being dragged down.
It sounds like you have a fantastic husband at least :)
"we don't know where you came from your adopted. We know Jesus' lineage but not yours..."
Well, your MIL is just plain silly. How can she know Jesus' lineage and not yours?
You tell that woman that you came from the Garden of Eden where you were born from Adam's rib!
Tell her to call the department of family whatever it's called if she doesn't believe you. They'll tell her it's the truth!
I'm sorry you've had to deal with such selfishness. I must agree with ruth74. My kiddos are young but I can tell you the exact time of their birth, weight, height etc. I know the order in which they got teeth, I can tell you their first words, smiles, the first time they used a cup, spoon, first crawls, babbles and steps. TT was a hot mess with tummy issues and colic and was the cutest funnies thing every at 9 months. Bug has been a doll since birth (minus the bit of extreme colic) they call her smiles because she's never without one. I personally believe you owe that to your child. When you work as hard as we work to have kids you must cherish it and I'm so sorry that didn't happen for you. Its not right and neither is that MIL, slapping you ever is not okay, pregnant or otherwise. MIL or not she should never have the opportunity to repeat that mistake. You're a very kind person to keep her in your life.
You should be upset by these things and you have every right to feel that way. I'm thinking of you and sending hugs.
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i love how those responding say they can remember everything but their kids are still young. i could remember everything when my kids were young but i've got a 10 year old, 7 1/2 year old and a 4, almost 5, year old. I have general ideas of when they walked, talked, ect... First words were either mama or dada for all 3. Most likely dada because I vaguely remember teasing dh about it even though I was home with them. As they grow older and bigger milestones reached, you focus on what's in front of you and older memories are harder to come by. That's why you write it all down. I did for all 3. But for some of the responders to insinuate that a mom is a bad parent b/c she can't remember well, that's just plain silly. Some have better memories and are blessed that way. However, I can also tell you the scores my oldest got on her first state wide testing at school last year and the scores my middle child got last year at her first 3 meets at competitive gymnastics. I can tell you how my little guy would go around screaming boobies at age 2 b/c he wouldn't wean. I am sure your mom has these sorts of memories. Please don't let anyone on here make you feel bad b/c they can remember their kid's firsts.... ask them again in 10 years and it might just be a little more fuzzy....
I'm sorry megan, but I'm going to guess your adoptive mother never dealt with her own adoption and what it meant for her to be adopted and then be in the position where she had to adopt as well. I'm in that position now (I'm an adult adoptee and then to have children we had to adopt). I am having A LOT of grief with that, and it would be easy to stay stuck in that grief and it affect your adopted child in a negative way if someone didn't have the knowledge, insight, and desire to change that. Sounds like your mother has made some poor relationship choices, so I'm guessing she never made peace with herself.. But I know exactly what you mean by other things you say.. I don't feel wanted by my bio parents.. but I also always did and still feel a disconnect from my adoptive mother.. she's in denial about ALOT of things.. she wasn't adopted herself, but she had a messed up childhood and family life and low self esteem her whole life. I think that has a lot to do with how someone handles adoption. I'm sorry you are going through this..
I only read your post. (not others), and it is most likely that you will not see this after so many replies.I was adopted at birth to a supporting family.At 26 years old and just before my significant other was to give birth to our first born, I was contacted by bio's.-they were both young-they stayed together and got married -they had two more children together, later on in lifeI was presented with a pretty "perfect" situation in regards to them tracking me down. I have kept in touch with them, I was supportive. It has been well over ten years now!And I am still messed up in the head!!I am starting to believe that the adoptee will always have some issues in life as I truly believe that there is a huge impact on us psychologically and possibly physically. One of the first feelings we had was that of abandoment. I think that a newborn picks up on that, even at that age, no matter the circumstance. All I am saying is no matter how different the situations in any adoptees life, we have something inside us we must struggle to overcome in order to live. Accept others, try to feel accepted, who cares! just do the best you can, and hope to god it doesn't affect your children! I could not
I just don't get it!I have always been told i was adopted. Mom mom was also adopted and was always told. My parent tried for years to have a child and many miscarriages later i was adopted.now that i have a son I have been asking about what i was like as a baby "I don't remember. " What was my first word ? "I don't remember. " When did I learn to walk? "I don't remember. " What was my demeanor as a child? "I don't remember. But i do remember you slept through the night at 6 weeks." Well that's just fine and dandy since they only had me 3 weeks or so at that point. So I ask about any details of my adoption like How old was i when you got me? Do you know if the mother lived at Hope cottage? All I get is "I don't remember. " Seriously thanks ! My mom re-married a verbally abusive jerk and he probably would have hit us if I hadn't said I'd call cps when he tried to hit my brother when I was 9 shortly after they married. My mom is so not interested in me. It's weird to even hug her. I would not think it would not be that way for a wanted baby. Although even my friends that met us as an adult say that my brother means more to them than I do. My Dad Never Ever calls except for once on my birthday. He waits for me to call him. I told him it would make me feel good if he called every once in a while. He's retired and bored he has the time. I have some pretty great friends who comment on how they can't believe how normal I am with the crap I've gone through. Then I got married... To an amazing man with a very crazy family.My mother in law had the audacity to say to my face that "we don't know where you came from your adopted. We know Jesus' lineage but not yours. We were at a family counselor for her hitting me while I was pregnant. That's just a brief glimpse in to my crazy family. It just makes me feel like I am so unwanted. No birth family wanted me, my adoptive family acts as if they could careless, my in-laws don't want me. My husband is the only family that wants me. I'm just really struggling with this right now I know I have a lot of good things in my life outside of all this family crap i just need to get this out in a safe place to get over it.
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This post is really old but since it's showing up now I can't help but comment. I can't excuse negative behavior, but not remembering is not a good reason to be upset. I knew everything about my first son as a baby and I remember almost none of it now. There is only so much space in your head and as your kids get older you replace that info with some that is more pertinent.Also my husband is not adopted and his parents clearly prefer his brother. That's not about adoption, it's about suck parents. I hope you have found your birth family.