Wait or move on? (failed adoption of sorts)

If it were me I would get back on the list as soon as possible. She could change her mind, she may not. Either way it is out of your control. IF you get another baby quickly and the mother changes her mind, think about the possibility of raising two babies together. We had two placements fail, one after the baby was with us for 7 months and the other was with us for 4 months. We looked at each other and said our goal is to raise two children and we got back on the lists as quickly as possible. I keep saying that it will happen the way it is suppose to happen. Good luck

Take time to grieve and, if necessary, seek counseling. Don't move on until you are ready. On one hand, you don't know what the mother of the child will do, and you could wind up with her baby. On the other, once you are ready, you won't be constantly comparing a new pregnant woman to the one who decided to parent. So don't start over right now; hold onto the thought that you will be matched with the child you are meant to have.That being said, things were different for me, but I adopted internationally. When I adopted from China, I received a referral for a beautiful baby named Li Weilin, who was exactly 13 months old the day I got the call. I shopped like crazy, and began making plans to go to meet her in China. Well...just as my group started making travel arrangements, I got a call that my daughter was no longer available, as the province had placed her with a domestic family without notifying Beijing (which handles all international adoptions). I was absolutely devastated, and spent several days crying and being an absolute bear. China sent a new referral immediately, but I couldn't even look at it right away, and when I did, all I could think were negative thoughts. Zeng Chufang was too old (only two months older than Li Weilin, not very pretty, had an ugly name, etc. But I really wanted to be a Mom, so I signed the papers and prepared, once again, to go to Chna -- admittedly, still grieving and hoping that I'd get to the orphanage and find Li Weilin waiting for me.But, of course, Li Weilin wasn't there. Zeng Chufang was there. I'd been sent the wrong picture, however. The real Zeng Chufang was beautiful, just very tiny and sick. Her Chinese name actually meant "clear and beautiful". And she turned out to be seriously looking for a Mom, quick to attach, and the most cuddly child imaginable.Rebecca Joy Chufang *********** is now 18 years old. She is still the joy of my life. I'm so glad that I DIDN'T wait, and allowed myself to accept my referral, even though I wasn't fully ready.Sharon

Take time to grieve and, if necessary, seek counseling. Don't move on until you are ready. On one hand, you don't know what the mother of the child will do, and you could wind up with her baby. On the other, once you are ready, you won't be constantly comparing a new pregnant woman to the one who decided to parent. So don't start over right now; hold onto the thought that you will be matched with the child you are meant to have. That being said, things were different for me, but I adopted internationally. When I adopted from China, I received a referral for a beautiful baby named Li Weilin, who was exactly 13 months old the day I got the call. I shopped like crazy, and began making plans to go to meet her in China. Well...just as my group started making travel arrangements, I got a call that my daughter was no longer available, as the province had placed her with a domestic family without notifying Beijing (which handles all international adoptions). I was absolutely devastated, and spent several days crying and being an absolute bear. China sent a new referral immediately, but I couldn't even look at it right away, and when I did, all I could think were negative thoughts. Zeng Chufang was too old (only two months older than Li Weilin, not very pretty, had an ugly name, etc. But I really wanted to be a Mom, so I signed the papers and prepared, once again, to go to Chna -- admittedly, still grieving and hoping that I'd get to the orphanage and find Li Weilin waiting for me. But, of course, Li Weilin wasn't there. Zeng Chufang was there. I'd been sent the wrong picture, however. The real Zeng Chufang was beautiful, just very tiny and sick. Her Chinese name actually meant "clear and beautiful". And she turned out to be seriously looking for a Mom, quick to attach, and the most cuddly child imaginable. Rebecca Joy Chufang *********** is now 18 years old. She is still the joy of my life. I'm so glad that I DIDN'T wait, and allowed myself to accept my referral, even though I wasn't fully ready. Sharon

Yes, there have been several members here over the years who ended up adopting the babies they were matched with pre-birth and whose mothers decided not to place them for adoption. I remember one member from about 5 years ago, whose name I can't for the life of me recall, give up all hope when the soon-to-be first mom changed her mind shortly before birth. She had built a really good friendship with the expectant mom, who after changing her mind about placement asked the PAP to be with her in the delivery room. The first mom kept the baby, but about two or three weeks later, she realized that she just couldn't swing it alone. She then contacted the potential adoptive mom and asked her if she would still adopt her son...and of course, she said yes. I've seen that happen several times since then on these forums, but I can't remember the stories or the thread names.

Sharon, what a beautiful story!