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Hello everyone -- my wife and I were hoping to get some opinions/advice from people who may have gone through the same thing or know of others who are experiencing something similar as we have an interesting situation on our hands.
About 3 months ago, we started fostering my wife's niece's kids (oldest is 1yr old and youngest was just born when we took them in). We've enjoyed every moment with them and they are a great fit with our 2 children.
The goal of the fostering set by the court was to reunite the children with the birthparents. Without going into too much specifics, the birthparents have been in an out of jail, and continue to struggle with their drug addiction, so we've been asked repeatedly if we'd like to adopt if the "goals of the court" change to adoption.
We've talked about it and would like to adopt as just recently, we've been told that the lawyer would like to recommend changing the goal from "reunification" to "adoption" as the birthparents cannot get things together.
Here's what I'm/we're struggling with and would like some advice on:
My POV is to cut the birthparents out completely since the children are so young and honestly probably do not know who they are since they've been away from the birthparents for their entire lives (oldest was in foster care from 3mo to 11mo before being switched to us when her brother was born).
My reasoning for cutting out the birthparents is because they will just confuse the children growing up and quite honestly, their values/life choices are very destructive and I would not subject my own bio-kids to it, so being that I would treat the adoptive kids the same as my bio, I would not want them to be subjected to it as well.
The problem is it is my wife's niece, so family reunions, functions, etc the bio mom/dad will be there.
My wife's POV is similar to mine except at family functions she would want the bio mom to not refer to herself is the mother, but possibly an aunt and if she cannot abide by those conditions, then we would completely cut her off.
With all that said, what are your opinions?
We find out officially what the court will decide in October, so I'll keep everyone updated -- thanks in advance for any help.
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What do you mean by cut them out completely? Not have visits but still send updates and pictures? Not send updates or any info at all? Avoid all interaction (avoid family functions they will be at)? Still see them at family functions, but not acknowledge them as their birth parents when you do see them?
If these people are not safe, then you should not allow them to be around your children, the same as you would do with any person, related or not. But if they can be safe and appropriate, then I see no harm in sending updates, pictures and seeing them at joint family functions. Visits depend on what you are comfortable with.
You are correct in that these kids will not remember them cognitively, and won't know them as mommy and daddy. At some point they will know who their birth parents are, and if you have chosen to keep that a secret from them, they may feel anger and feel betrayed if they have seen and know these people but not as their birth parents.
If the birth parents are appropriate (in behavior and respecting boundaries), then I would treat them as any other relatives, and when appropriate, explain to my children that they are their birth parents.
My kids know that they have birth parents, that the reason they were adopted is because their birth parents were not ready to be parents yet. Two of my children see pictures and emails and letters from their birth parents, one does not, because it affects her hugely in negative ways (she came from abuse) and she does not want to see any. The two that do seem healthier for it. We don't dwell on adoption a lot, but they know where they came from, they know they were and are loved. They do not see their birth parents as "parents" and do not seem at all confused. We do not do visits, just emails and letters back and forth (between the kids, too)
I am a big advocate of prayer and soul-searching and doing what you feel is best for your children (if they do become your children).
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Thank you both for your responses!
@Smarty
Good point on having them know where they come from as it would definitely come out at a later date being that they are staying in the family.
I will remember the "at my discretion" when/if the time comes -- what have you read about explaining to children why they are not w/bio-parents? I'm not sure a 5yr old would understand why they are not with their bio-mom/dad.
My wife brought up the suggestion of calling bio-parents, "Aunt/Uncle" but I can see that going South fast bc I think there will be hostility towards us from them.
I guess time will tell!
@Juliana
My thoughts were to cut out any interactions outside of the annual Family Reunion (now they get 3 visits a week). I dont think we'd be able to cut out sharing of pictures due to social media, so I guess I dont mind that aspect.
In all honesty, the bio-parents are great at the visits with the kids. It's what they do in between that's keeping them from getting the kids back (drugs) and with no incentive (possibility of getting kids back), who knows what they'll do and I just don't feel comfortable putting any of the kids in a potentially dangerous situation. Bio-mom has made comments like, "I'll go crazy and they'll have to lock me up if they take my kids" or "ppl will pay", etc. that can be scary.
Great point on feeling betrayed -- I hadn't considered that and I think that point has me in a bind. As stated above with @Smarty, my struggle is explaining to the kids what happened that they are/will be with us. Bio-mom is good with them, so it may be confusing to the kids to know why they are with us, when all a child can see is the positive and may not comprehend the negative.
Thank you both for the answers, I'm truly grateful. Yes, I am a believer in prayer and know ultimately these children were put in our lives for a reason.
Our AS is not a relative, but the circumstances for removal are similar. We have gone with pictures and letters for now. His biomom has some dangerous friends, so we are keeping our distance.
If the kids will only see the bios once a year at family reunions, then I would not make a big deal of calling them a certain title. My kids run off and play with the other kids and do not interact much with the adults at reunions, so at least in my family it would not be a big deal. I would tell the bios not to make an issue of it either. It will be weird for the adults I am sure, but the kids will probably be old enough to understand the family dynamics by the time they question it or they will already know that the bios are their bios. Anyway, in a nutshell I would try not to stress about it if you do not intend to see them more than once a year.
Good luck, and I hope everything works out well for your family and the kiddos.
Speaking as an adult adoptee, I can tell you that your kids most likely won't be confused by having bio parents who are related to the parents raising them, as long as it is always part of their story. What will be normal to them is what they will grow up hearing and knowing. My grandparents adopted me so I have a father/brother. My family chose to call my bio dad what he was based on the new relationship; my brother. Weird for outsiders? Heck yeah. Weird for me? Nope. Totally normal.As for titles, you guys would be mom and dad. First names should be fine for bio parents when you see them.
Speaking as an adult adoptee, I can tell you that your kids most likely won't be confused by having bio parents who are related to the parents raising them, as long as it is always part of their story. What will be normal to them is what they will grow up hearing and knowing. My grandparents adopted me so I have a father/brother. My family chose to call my bio dad what he was based on the new relationship; my brother. Weird for outsiders? Heck yeah. Weird for me? Nope. Totally normal.
As for titles, you guys would be mom and dad. First names should be fine for bio parents when you see them.
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First thing I would say, as someone who adopted a cousin's biological son, slow down. Don't expect for Oct to change anything immediately. Took us 3 years to get to termination with bp who did absolutely nothing towards making good choices. Entering rehab the week before court can get them 6 months, dropping out until the week before the next court doesn't count against them. In the meantime, the children are growing & having visits & they pick up on things.
That said, relative adoptions are not easy. We are a year & a half past adoption now & have approached it in a couple ways. At first, we were ok with family gatherings (holidays) where we saw the birth parents, they were referred to by their first names & things went pretty smoothly. Then, after bp decided that we weren't giving them enough access & threatened us, I had to make the decision that all ties are cut. That means family members have to choose, I can't dictate who is invited to gatherings, but I can choose to attend based on who will be there.
Hang in there, nothing with relative foster care or adoption is easy. You just have to take one day at a time & make the best decisions for that day. If one thing doesn't work, change tracks & try something else. I don't try to envision the next 15 years, I just try to do what is best for that little 5 year old right now & we'll adapt as things change.