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This will be my first post, I have been a longtime reader on these forums. Sorry in advance, this will be long and I will still probably leave out some details.
A little background on our situation. We completed our home study in June and were soon matched with a prospective birth mom a few weeks later. She met with us and picked us two days later. The catch was.....she said she wasn't sure who prospective birth dad was. She said could have been two guys. She knew neither of their names, basically one night stand situations. Another thing for us to consider was that the baby would be born exposed to methadone. We were ok with the exposure but were worried about the birth father situation. We talked to our agency and they explained that it would be a legal risk but that from the information they had received from birth mom so far they had no reason to doubt her story that she didn't know who the possible birth father was. They would continue to ask her and get as much info as possible but felt comfortable going forward with an unknown birth father. We decided to go for it.
The baby was due early August. He came 2 days early. He was very sick and began withdrawing quickly. He ultimately was in the hospital 52 days. I was there everyday, 16-24 hours a day. It was horrible seeing him so sick and also being away from my husband and daughter. B mom signed TPR 72 hours after birth. Everything was looking good, other than being in the hospital. Well, birth dad showed up 5 days after the birth by contacting CPS to report his ex may have had a baby and she was a known drug user. Our agency contacted the possible birth father to see what his intensions were. He said he wanted a DNA test and then he would sign. After several missed apts he finally took the test. This was day 15. The results came back and he was indeed the bio dad. We found out from them both that Birth mom had lied to us about it being a one night stand. They were in a relationship. He broke it off when she got pregnant and told her to have an abortion. He never offered her any support during the pregnancy. After results came in we thought he would sign. He decided he wanted to meet the baby and us and then he would sign. He came to the hospital met baby for 20 mins with us out of the room and then met us. We discussed open adoption - which we also intended to have with birth mom so we were open to an open adoption with him too. He seemed on board. We would set up a time with the adoption lawyer and he would sign. This was day 25. He came again to sign, this time with his mom. She was not very pro-adoption and felt we would not keep up our end of the deal with the open adoption (we live in a closed adoption state). We tried to convince her that was our wishes but she declared, "we won't be signing anything today." Then we heard nothing from them. The day before we were to be released from the hospital we got word from our agency that he filed for custody in his home county. We were crushed but felt we had it bring this baby home. How could we leave him there all alone? Also, we had since learned that the birth father had a DUI conviction, was living with his mom (he is in his 40's), was a drug user too (he told us this), has no job, and has been arrested for domestic violence. We felt that we would stand a good chance of getting custody and continuing the adoption. Plus, we were not sure how serious he really was, he had told us multiple times he could not raise a baby.
The first hearing was last Monday and it didn't go well. The judge seemed it have his mind made up before the hearing even started. We had a second hearing today and he gave the birth father custody. We are crushed. We have loved and cared for this very sick baby for months now (he is still on two meds for withdraw that he is being tapered off of). Birth dad has no idea how to administer the meds. Also, with his history of violence I am worried how he will handle the inconsolable crying that still occurs. Birth mom is upset because this is not at all what she wanted. She testified but again, the judge didn't seem to hear her.
I don't really have a question, just wanted to add my story in the hopes of helping someone else. I know reading this forum has helped me in various stages of this process. I was really hoping not to have to post on this board though.
We will be relinquishing our son to the agency on Wednesday. Please keep my family in your prayers, we need them.
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My heart goes out to you. We were in a situation - much shorter - about a week or so - similar to yours. Your sentence - the judge seemed to have already made up mind before it started hit me hard. We were thrown out of court before the motion began. He asked who we were. He knew, duh, we are on the other side of the table and said, there's no adoption here and off we were escorted out. That little girl sat in the NICU for weeks without someone there other than the nurses. She was released to a foster home as the court deemed mother to unfit to parent at the time. I want to commend you for your commitment to this little one. Despite all the setbacks you cared for her and didn't turn your back. I think that speaks volumes for your character and to you being parents. I also want to say how sorry I am that in the chaos of it all, the time it took away from your family. I just completed our second adoption and I was alone in another state with our son for nearly two weeks hashing out legal matters and I was so lonely (busy, but lonely). There is nothing I can say that will take away the sad and sorrow you feel right now. Time will heal and I encourage you to continue opening your hearts to the adoption journey and your child will find his or her way into your arms. Our first placement ended badly (hence above) but in two years, we have a girl and a boy. Hugs to you and your family.
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My heart goes out to you. We were in a situation - much shorter - about a week or so - similar to yours. Your sentence - the judge seemed to have already made up mind before it started hit me hard. We were thrown out of court before the motion began. He asked who we were. He knew, duh, we are on the other side of the table and said, there's no adoption here and off we were escorted out. That little girl sat in the NICU for weeks without someone there other than the nurses. She was released to a foster home as the court deemed mother to unfit to parent at the time.
I want to commend you for your commitment to this little one. Despite all the setbacks you cared for her and didn't turn your back. I think that speaks volumes for your character and to you being parents. I also want to say how sorry I am that in the chaos of it all, the time it took away from your family. I just completed our second adoption and I was alone in another state with our son for nearly two weeks hashing out legal matters and I was so lonely (busy, but lonely).
There is nothing I can say that will take away the sad and sorrow you feel right now. Time will heal and I encourage you to continue opening your hearts to the adoption journey and your child will find his or her way into your arms. Our first placement ended badly (hence above) but in two years, we have a girl and a boy. Hugs to you and your family.
Thank you Allwhohope for your kind response. It really makes me feel better that we are not alone in this. Even though I wish that no one would have to feel this pain.
How long did it take after your failed adoption to try again? It's too much for me to imagine right now while still in the middle of it all but I was curious. I wonder if I will ever be ready again? Can I trust again? Can I put my DD through this again?
Another question for someone who has had a similar situation who already had a child at home.....how did you help them cope with the loss of losing a sibling? Our DD visited the baby in the hospital once or twice a week while we were there and he has been in our home for almost two weeks now. She is very attached and loves him very much. We have talked to her openly about the possibility of the birth parents changing their minds and wanting to parent but I know she doesn't get it. She is 6. Why should she get it??? We will tell her today after school that tonight will be our last night being all together with baby boy. What else can I do to ease her pain?
Violet -
We never got off the merry go round. As much pain and hurt the process was for our first (failed) placement, it just solidified that we wanted to be parents and the only way for that was to keep trying. That might not be the right answer for you but it was for us. We were matched again approx. 3 months later and the situation was much less complicated from the beginning. If it hadn't been, we could have always said its too soon and gone from there. So I encourage you to think about that. Again, your family may need a solid break - above, it is just what we did.
Our failed placement occurred when we didn't have any children in the home. That is a tough spot for sure but kids are resilient and I bet you will be surprised on how much your little one understands and accepts and "moves on". Not to say she won't have questions or have emotions about the situation - only trying to say that I bet you will be surprised. I am a big fan of being honest but at their level. Maybe saying that you were going to adopt the little one because her mommy and daddy couldn't keep her safe and healthy. But now, her daddy is going to get help and he is going to try. I think I would say mommy and daddy (you and your partner) are sad that she has to go back to her daddy but that you wouldn't want to keep any child away from their mommy or daddy if they could take care of her. Is it a stretch. Sure. It sounds like such a less than ideal situation. My heart truly hurts for you. But my point is that I think you have to bring the honesty down to her level and separate negative actions from the people involved. She shouldn't associate the failed placement as a negative.
Absolutely 100% there are things that can't be avoided in the adoption world. sometimes the journey takes you to states that are less than adoption friendly, babies have long hospital stays, etc. We just adopted a 8 month old in August. Our adoption agency was adamant that both DH and DD (2) come down to meet the bios. I refused. We got the call on a Tuesday night and they wanted the entire family there on Thursday. Preschool had just started for DD and I wasn't going to throw her in the middle of the bios situation. So I spinned it so that I was going alone so I could focus on the bio and the baby boy. I am SO happy I did because the bio was a highly dysfunctional, drug ridden environment. I am so thankful DD wasn't there. I am so thankful. My agency was thankful too when we arrived to see that bios omitted elements of the situations. She did place with us but if she hadn't. It only would have been me that was exposed to the situation. Why do I say this? Maybe you and your partner need to stop and think about what you may or may not have done differently. Walk back through the journey and see if you would done things differently so that next time, you might spare your little one's exposure. That might help you to move on - if you know little one won't be submerged in it. I don't know. Just rambling and trying to help. Feel free to private message me ANY time. It is heartbreaking I know. I am so very very sorry you are having to deal with this.
Also, hug that little one for us as well. Poor thing doesn't deserve to have such an uncertain future.
So it has almost been two months since we had to give our son to his birthfather. Out of the blue yesterday I get a phone call that he has changed his mind. He can't parent and he wants to know if we will take him back and continue with the adoption. We of course said yes! I can't get into a lot of the details now, it's too soon and I am still being very cautious until it's over but it looks like we may have our baby back this month!
VioletLou
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I'm not sure if anyone even reads this thread but I guess if anyone does or may in the future I will give an update on what has happened with our situation.
After several days of talking back and forth over the phone and email birthdad decided he changed his mind again. He will parent. It was a shock but not nearly the same as we experienced the last time. I just pray for this baby. He is still in the same situation of uncertainty and instability. We as a family have to move on. I can't get pulled back into this drama again.
I read you post back when you made it. I felt bad that mom lied to you. That's the tricky part when dealing with addicts. Unfortunately it sounds like dad is a hot mess too. But he clearly didn't want adoption for his child but is unsure about his ability to parent alone. He's also in a situation where it sounds he's not being supported either. I think that you walking away from this situation for good is a good idea. Having your heart torn back and forth isn't fair to you or that poor baby. So block their numbers from your phone and move on to your next match.
When you do have a check list of must have's. Having a conversation with the edad before the baby is born was a must for me. I wanted to personally face to face judge his intentions toward the baby. My daughters edad was a hot mess. I could tell he was not only unable to parent but had no support in doing so, however; he had a desire to be in her life. So we proceeded cautiously until he decided not to parent (a week after birth).
I know how hard this is for you and your entire family. I wish you the best of luck in your next match. I'm sure you'll be more guarded next time. Good luck dear. Best wishes!