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Anyone do it? I cannot do this anymore. I am now being told that since bio mom is compliant in rehab that there isn't a magistrate or judge that will PC her so they are just going to milk this along until they are justified to RU or she fails. She told her Aunt this weekend that she is working hard and I don't see her failing. I have to be realistic. At this point, I have gone from feeling 95% confident of adoption to 95% of RU. Why? Because they won't follow the law. According to our state admin law, he should be PC. No questions. It is black and white. They are allowed two extensions. She has not completed enough of her case plan to justify RU or even have a safe RU at this point. So they will just keep continuing the hearings. I can't do this to Chubbs. It isn't fair. I was selfish to even agree to another placement. No. Not selfish. I was stupid. I thought by agreeing to a short term placement of a boy, I'd be ingratiated to the placement worker and they'd think of me when they got a legal risk female. (Which is all I was supposed to be called for in the first place!) If BE leaves now, Chubbs will NOT remember him. He will remember the concept of having a brother, but he won't remember anything specific. The loss will be great, but not as great as it will be if he loses him once it is closer to his 4th birthday, which would be my estimate on when they will clear him to be RU'd with her at rehab. I am going to ask that they either RU him now, or transition him to another foster home by Christmas. That will give Chubbs and me the week after Christmas to grieve. If I disrupt him,I can at least control Chubbs' mourning. The stress of this up and down is killing me. I gave up my dream of a daughter for him. I should have followed through with disruption last year when I first thought. I don't care about the agency. I am done. I cannot do this anymore. The stress is killing me. I yelled/exploded at my son tonight. I never do that. CHubbs comes first. He has to. BE's future is written in stone. He will be RU'd with her, and then bounce in and out of foster care until he ages out. This county doesn't care about these kids. I have said it before and I will say it again, these kids would have far less significant trauma if they just left them in the bio family homes instead of pulling them out, allowing them to attach to another family for 2-3 years, and then yanking them away. Someone on a FB group just lost a 4yo child that they had since birth. So, what did it look like to disrupt a long term placement? EDIT: Oh yeah, and I got called for a placement of a 6yo boy today. I got called twice in one day last month when I found out that they were backing off on PC. I think the universe is sending a clear message there. This is another reason for my rationale.
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Confused46
I apologize for quoting you (it was on my phone...I hate that thing!). I meant to quote CRAZY_WOMAN. I fully understood what you meant and I agree completely.
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I also got a few PMs on the subject and I apologize, did not respond to all, but I read them. One of them stood out the most to me. What if I disrupt and BE does end up going to Permanency. How could I ever tell Chubbs down the road that I gave up on his brother. I just don't know. I don't know the answer. I was looking at the stats on that rehab program and it seems consistent that it is 18 months before they allow children to join the parents. IF she makes it that far (and, I feel that she *may* because I have no reason to believe that the rehab program will be honest and forthright. It behoves them for bio mom to "succeed" and I have no doubt that they will manipulate the situation to ensure that happens.) then we are still 15 months until that time. That is 15 more months of attachment and subsequent hurt for Chubbs, but it is also 15 more months of encoding what a GOOD family looks like to BE. So, there is NO easy answer. I am trying to get him into counseling. Turns out my FFA agency might be able to help with that. We had some alone time today cause I had to take him to the doctor. I tried to get something out of him. But, I do think he may be indirectly attacking Chubbs because he doesn't have to go to a different mom, he doesn't have to be divided in his affections, he only has one Mommy, and he knows that Chubbs is already forever. He isn't old enough to articulate that yet. Tomorrow is the SAR and court is on Friday. I am 90% confident that the court hearing will be continued until January. The only positive thing going is the holidays are coming and that is typically a difficult time for everyone. Bio mom was allowed an overnight visit with her grandparents. Nice. Let's just say the people who stay with grandparents are not the kind of people a recovering addict should be around. And flame me if you want, but I want this woman to fail now before she gets this child back. It is very mixed emotions. On one hand, for her sake and the sake of any future child, I hope she is successful, I pray that she makes it, but on the other hand, even if she does, disrupting BE from me will NOT be a good thing for his long term health. I am seeing it indirectly with Monkey. Her dad tells me that while she is doing well in school, she is a mess at home. She will not obey her mother, she is constantly being grounded, and I guess Princess isn't much better. You have partly the issue being their mother sucks, and secondly, she took them from their "mom" that they knew and loved and neither of them wanted to go back to live with her. And, Monkey was the most attached and I am sure that bio mom had some animosity to her as a result. So, I see a bleak future for them because their attachment was destroyed. The same will happen for BE.
I hope that she messes up, and you get him without this getting dragged out much longer. I know it is hard to watch kids be traumatized and act out when their world gets turned upside down and he will start having behavior problems from all of the confusion. I personally do not agree with ru in rehab facilities. It is not fair to the kids, and does not show that they can parent by themselves.
Hang in there...the Holidays are the worst on addicts. Hopefully she will bomb out sooner rather than later. I know this is all a mess & the drama level has to be at epic levels but you both love this kid & he loves you. At the end of the day you guys are his whole world. Please hang in there as long as you can for him. Give him some great memories of Thanksgiving, make it a Christmas he'll never forget & enjoy him. If he was dieing from cancer you wouldn't send him away to save yourself and chubbs grief...you'd sit by his side until the end. You really have no idea how this will end & it could go either way at this point. The system is just freaking awful & all of us totally get it. We get how stressed you must feel & that never ending what if game that plays out all day long in your head. I just don't want you to feel like this in 16 years. You already know how it will play out if he goes home...he will yo-yo back into care. [url=http://www.scarymommy.com/the-child-i-didnt-adopt/]The Child I Didn't Adopt[/url] No matter what you choose it will be right for your family & we will all be here for you.
soupnazi
Hang in there...the Holidays are the worst on addicts. Hopefully she will bomb out sooner rather than later. I know this is all a mess & the drama level has to be at epic levels but you both love this kid & he loves you. At the end of the day you guys are his whole world. Please hang in there as long as you can for him. Give him some great memories of Thanksgiving, make it a Christmas he'll never forget & enjoy him. If he was dieing from cancer you wouldn't send him away to save yourself and chubbs grief...you'd sit by his side until the end. You really have no idea how this will end & it could go either way at this point. The system is just freaking awful & all of us totally get it. We get how stressed you must feel & that never ending what if game that plays out all day long in your head. I just don't want you to feel like this in 16 years. You already know how it will play out if he goes home...he will yo-yo back into care. [url=http://www.scarymommy.com/the-child-i-didnt-adopt/]The Child I Didn't Adopt[/url] No matter what you choose it will be right for your family & we will all be here for you.
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I have not been in your shoes in quite some time but I feel your pain. Just having you in his life will make his future brighter. These babies remember us even when we think they are too young to. Just keep giving him the best of you and it will sustain him. Let your boys bond, they need each other as much as they need you and you will be surprised at what that bond can do down the line. Even if he disrupts and goes home he will always know what a GOOD and HEALTHY relationship looks like and will know that he can have that. Kids live what they learn and if he learns from you that love is good and kind and not scary, he will live that for himself. My parents fostered all of my life and I had two foster sibs that left but we later came back together in our late teen / adult lives. Even though going home was not the best for them, they managed to come out on top. Please keep your heart wrapped around BE so that he can feel secure. Your stress will feed his anxiety, so just breath. God will make a way for things to work out, even when it seems like it's all falling apart.
txMOMkns
I'm sorry, this attack is completely uncalled for. Have you been in her position? Have you "walked a mile" in her shoes? Are you her therapist? BEs therapist? Her caseworker? Attorney? If not, you have NO right to bash. If it ever happens to you, I pray you are treated with more respect than you've shown. Shame on you.
soupnazi
I just don't want you to feel like this in 16 years. You already know how it will play out if he goes home...he will yo-yo back into care. [url=http://www.scarymommy.com/the-child-i-didnt-adopt/]The Child I Didn't Adopt[/url] No matter what you choose it will be right for your family & we will all be here for you.
So, very discouraging here. The SAR was pretty much CW Supervisor and Facilitator blowing smoke up bio mom's butt about how good she is doing. The facilitator actually briefly argued with me about how long BE has been in my home!!! Finally, CWS tells bio mom that most likely the court hearing will be continued, or they may schedule the pre-trial (oh, and she did say "unless you don't contest it, but I am assuming you want to contest it") and then they will continue the pre-trial as long as you are doing good, until we are in a place to discuss him "going home." Can I tell you how much I HATE that phrase. He wouldn't be "going home" he'd be returning to her. He is already home. She never had a home for him. Oh, and when I dared to question why considering rehab housing as resolving housing issues when she could walk out of rehab anyday, the CWS got uppidity with me and said "well, if we thought about what could happen after RU, we'd never reunite kids." I don't have a lot of hope. Not at all. Bio mom is having EVERY thing spoon fed to her. She has been schooled on the law because she even said "well, you can withdrawal PC right?" The CWS smiled at her and said "well, we can, but we aren't there yet." (We just got a new CWS a few months ago so she hasn't seen the history with bio mom.) I really don't know what to do.
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Ack. In trying to be unemotional about this, all I can think is strategy: Get close to bio mom, try to befriend her, show your support. After all, kids belong with their families when possible, right? (Groan) So what if you support RU, keep in touch with bio mom, make sure she knows you love him like your own and that his brother will love and miss him and maybe you can babysit for her on occasion when she needs a little break, bc don't all moms know how hard it is and we all need a break now and then... So if RU is really inevitable, the next best thing for him is to have you still in his life and possibly there as the safety net if she fails or better, chooses to relinquish to you. I know you don't want to start over with him for another 2 years down the road, but what if you have her trust and she realizes she can't do it in a few months? Would you take him then? I'm just so sorry for all of this, and for all of you. Know that you have my support and prayers no matter what you decide you need to do.
swd
Ack. In trying to be unemotional about this, all I can think is strategy: Get close to bio mom, try to befriend her, show your support. After all, kids belong with their families when possible, right? (Groan) So what if you support RU, keep in touch with bio mom, make sure she knows you love him like your own and that his brother will love and miss him and maybe you can babysit for her on occasion when she needs a little break, bc don't all moms know how hard it is and we all need a break now and then... So if RU is really inevitable, the next best thing for him is to have you still in his life and possibly there as the safety net if she fails or better, chooses to relinquish to you. I know you don't want to start over with him for another 2 years down the road, but what if you have her trust and she realizes she can't do it in a few months? Would you take him then? I'm just so sorry for all of this, and for all of you. Know that you have my support and prayers no matter what you decide you need to do.
TemporaryMom
So, very discouraging here. The SAR was pretty much CW Supervisor and Facilitator blowing smoke up bio mom's butt about how good she is doing. The facilitator actually briefly argued with me about how long BE has been in my home!!!Finally, CWS tells bio mom that most likely the court hearing will be continued, or they may schedule the pre-trial (oh, and she did say "unless you don't contest it, but I am assuming you want to contest it") and then they will continue the pre-trial as long as you are doing good, until we are in a place to discuss him "going home."Can I tell you how much I HATE that phrase. He wouldn't be "going home" he'd be returning to her. He is already home. She never had a home for him. Oh, and when I dared to question why considering rehab housing as resolving housing issues when she could walk out of rehab anyday, the CWS got uppidity with me and said "well, if we thought about what could happen after RU, we'd never reunite kids."I don't have a lot of hope. Not at all. Bio mom is having EVERY thing spoon fed to her. She has been schooled on the law because she even said "well, you can withdrawal PC right?" The CWS smiled at her and said "well, we can, but we aren't there yet." (We just got a new CWS a few months ago so she hasn't seen the history with bio mom.)I really don't know what to do.
Have you talked to BE's lawyer? Casa lawyer? I was trying to remember how long BE has been with you, but if it has been so long and the end is not in sight, surely one of them will want something to be happening soon. OR is it possible to get a lawyer yourself? I know the next court date is soon, so that is why I asked about the lawyers for the BE and CASA. How about writing a letter to the judge? I am trying to think of something you can do to potentially help getting something moving without having to disrupt. I used to be nervous about calling lawyers. Finally, something happened that I knew was not in the best interest of the kids and called. CASA had no idea this was going on and called back quickly, helping to resolve the issue. Looking back, I should have called the kids' lawyer several times along the way, but never thought of it - CASA was such a big help I leaned on them more. Since BE's lawyer is supposed to represent BE, I would call and have an honest conversation, laying it all out for the lawyer - this is how the meeting went, how visits/post-visits are going, the attitudes that are being presented, the potential for it lasting another 15 months, etc. Write it all down before calling so you do not have to think a whole lot, potentially missing something or jumping around. I really had high hopes that the meeting would have gone better. Personally I have never sat in on those meetings, was never invited. So I can only imagine the feelings in the room. Praying the next court date holds some sort of movement in the case.
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Anyone do it? I cannot do this anymore. I am now being told that since bio mom is compliant in rehab that there isn't a magistrate or judge that will PC her so they are just going to milk this along until they are justified to RU or she fails. She told her Aunt this weekend that she is working hard and I don't see her failing. I have to be realistic. At this point, I have gone from feeling 95% confident of adoption to 95% of RU. Why? Because they won't follow the law. According to our state admin law, he should be PC. No questions. It is black and white. They are allowed two extensions. She has not completed enough of her case plan to justify RU or even have a safe RU at this point. So they will just keep continuing the hearings. I can't do this to Chubbs. It isn't fair. I was selfish to even agree to another placement. No. Not selfish. I was stupid. I thought by agreeing to a short term placement of a boy, I'd be ingratiated to the placement worker and they'd think of me when they got a legal risk female. (Which is all I was supposed to be called for in the first place!) If BE leaves now, Chubbs will NOT remember him. He will remember the concept of having a brother, but he won't remember anything specific. The loss will be great, but not as great as it will be if he loses him once it is closer to his 4th birthday, which would be my estimate on when they will clear him to be RU'd with her at rehab. I am going to ask that they either RU him now, or transition him to another foster home by Christmas. That will give Chubbs and me the week after Christmas to grieve. If I disrupt him,I can at least control Chubbs' mourning. The stress of this up and down is killing me. I gave up my dream of a daughter for him. I should have followed through with disruption last year when I first thought. I don't care about the agency. I am done. I cannot do this anymore. The stress is killing me. I yelled/exploded at my son tonight. I never do that. CHubbs comes first. He has to. BE's future is written in stone. He will be RU'd with her, and then bounce in and out of foster care until he ages out. This county doesn't care about these kids. I have said it before and I will say it again, these kids would have far less significant trauma if they just left them in the bio family homes instead of pulling them out, allowing them to attach to another family for 2-3 years, and then yanking them away. Someone on a FB group just lost a 4yo child that they had since birth. So, what did it look like to disrupt a long term placement?EDIT: Oh yeah, and I got called for a placement of a 6yo boy today. I got called twice in one day last month when I found out that they were backing off on PC. I think the universe is sending a clear message there. This is another reason for my rationale.