Advertisements
Hello. My name is Kenneth. I ask you to please take the time to read this; I am a human being in pain and have been for a long, long time. I someone, maybe you, will be willing and able to help me.
I lived in Fayetteville, Arkansas as a small child. My family was impoverished. While there, one day, my Momma brought home the most wonderful of all treasures: A baby girl, Jennifer. I had a little brother, but no baby sister.
It made me feel so big and strong and important and grown up to have a baby sister. She was, to me, the most beautiful thing to ever grace our little home. I was so excited and happy. She was such a beautiful child; and I loved her with all my heart ... and you know how big a child's heart can be.
The joy, though, was short lived. It became clear very quickly that Jennifer was a very sick little girl. Her illness dealt with her kidneys. Because I was so young, I can not be any more specific; but I do know that her condition was undoubtedly life threatening. She required regular medications and treatments.
Jennifer could keep nothing down. She was literally starving to death in Momma's arms. Momma tried to feed her sugar water; and even that got spat back up. As a small child, concerned over what was happening, I would curl up under Momma's rocking chair while she rocked Jennifer, trying to feed her, and weeping. Eventually, I'd fall asleep; but then, many times, I would be awakened by the most bloodcurdling screams I have ever heard in my life; before or since. It was Momma. And she would be screaming: "Jennifer! JENNIFER! Breathe! Don't die on me! Don't you die tonight!"
A destitute mother under an ineffective and limited welfare system, my Momma was left with a terrible choice -- one that no mother should ever have to make. Do I keep my baby girl and hope that she doesn't die in my arms one night? Or, do I let her go so a family with more resources can give her a better chance at living?
One day, Momma left the house with Jennifer ... and returned without her. I met Momma at the door and, as I typically did, looked for Momma second and Jennifer first. Jennifer wasn't with us. I asked, "Momma? Where's Jennifer?" Her words ring in my ears to this day: "Jennifer went to go live with someone else for a while, PeeWee. We're not going to see Jennifer again. Not for a long, long time."
I was unconsolable then. I am unconsolable now. As time goes on, the memories and emotions recede; but occasionally, they resurface; and the grief is overwhelming. Sometimes, I dream about her. We are together, happy and laughing, doing things that regular families do, like celebrating Christmas or Birthdays or just going out to eat. I am so joyful in these dreams, and I'm so very proud of her, and I feel so much love, I think my chest will burst open. Then I awake; and in the insanity that occurs between dreaming and lucidness, I think to myself, "It's been a while since I've talked to Jennifer. I wonder how she's doing? I need to give her a call! What's her phone number again? I think I have that written down somewhere. Where is she living again?" And then I am lucid, and I remember, and I weep.
Soon after Jennifer was placed, my Momma, Grandfather, aunt and uncles left Arkansas. We made it as far as Kansas, but due to vehicle problems, we could travel no further. It was here, in Kansas, where my brother and I were also placed for adoption. We were very fortunate to have been placed in a very good home with dedicated parents. When they could finally put together the meanings of the words spoken by a 7 year old and realize that we had a sister, they inquired about Jennifer. They were informed that she had been placed for adoption there.
I never got to tell her "goodbye". I never got to sneak cookies to her from the kitchen, or beat up the boys who were picking on her, or show her how to make snow angels, or tie her hair in a knot and blame it on her other brother, or tell her this one very important thing: "Mary had a little lamb" ...
I want to find my sister; but in no way would I wish to cause her discomfort. There have been very positive effects of finding biological relatives; but negative effects as well. So, it would be necessary, of course, to move forward carefully, should the unlikely event occur that she is actually found. I understand that, if she still lives, she has a life and a family of her own. But just to know how and where she is; even if making contact did not or would not occur; would lift a great weight off of my heart.
And, I want to know her adopted parents; just long enough for me to express my gratitude for their courage and love and dedication for taking such an sick little girl into their care; someone was there for Jennifer in her hour of most desperate need.
In fact, I think that would be a great start; and if Jennifer lives, I have a brother, 2, who knows of Jennifer but does not remember, thus is not so emotionally invested -- he would make a great first contact choice. (I'm afraid I might overwhelm her or scare her with the intensity of emotion; coming from, in her perspective, a complete stranger ... )
Jennifer was born in 1973, 1974 or 1975. She was placed for adoption soon after her birth; probably within the first 6-8 months; most likely in 1973 or 1974. Jennifer may not be alive; though she was living approximately 1-2 years after her birth, when my parents inquired about her. I must accept that she may have succumbed to her illness. But even so, I need to know. I need to close this chapter in my life. As she was so very young during the adoption process, it is possible that her name is no longer "Jennifer". She would have a history of life threatening (or fatal) medical issues relating to her kidneys. She will most likely have inherited some of our family's traits: Brown hair and brown eyes are very common; as well as slight builds. Most of us tend to be thinkers, sometimes to very analytical, critical, or overthinking. Jennifer probably wrote poetry at some point in her life; talent towards the written word, poetry and stories run in the family. Intelligence and creativity are family traits. Most of our family love music. Depression, mental illness, cancer and alcoholism run in the family.
Like
Share
Hi Kenneth,
Welcome to the forum. Your subsequent posts somewhat confuse me about why you don't know Jennifer birthday? Searching is so much easier when you know specific details - hospital, city of birth, date of birth seeing as so many of us were adopted. Doesn't your mother know - you are in contact with her right?
Kind regards,
Dickons
Advertisements
I know it is very unusual for mothers to forget their childrens' birthdays, but that is what happened in this case. Please don't take that as a statement on her character; but as a statement on her emotional and mental health during this time. The remainder of the biological family have done their best to forget Jennifer (and me), so they are of no help.
I will be requesting my adoption file come Monday. It is something I never bothered to do; I was reuinited with Momma at 17, I remembered a lot, and I didn't think there was anything in there I didn't already know. I'm hoping a record of a sibling, Jennifer, with her date of birth, will be present. If I find her birthday, I will post it.
Thank you for responding.
Now I'm even more confused...bolding mine
In this thread you said "Jennifer was terminally ill with kidney issues and may not be alive"
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/search-birthfamily-adoptee/222937-if-you-looking-siblings-please-post-here-57.html[/url]
In this thread you said "Be careful about advising others to seek their biological roots. We don't always like what we find. My biological father turned out to be a cruel and sick man. My very existence, being a product of an incest rape, is evidence of that."
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/birth-fathers-support/429860-whats-he-thinking-how-would-you-feel-situation.html[/url]
In this thread you said "As an adoptee, I am personally touched by the level of sensitivity I see these comments towards us. My first name means "Born of Fire". Nothing could be closer to the truth. Based on the comments I am seeing here, I believe that adoptees in your care are in good hands.
My adoption experience was traumatic and joyful; painful and liberating; postive and negative. I think angry adoptees, though many have very good reasons for their hurt and anger, are those who are only seeing one side of the equation.
In my 46 years of life, 45 years since my adoption, this is really the first time I have read and tried to listen to the experiences and feelings of other adoptees. I should speak little as I have just began to process what is, to me, new information.
Adoption certainly isn't the "happily ever after" that the system and our media paints it out to be,."
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/foster-parent-support/430812-lucky-ones.html[/url]
In the same thread above you also said this "I was lucky to have been removed from an environment where sexual, physical and emotional abuse was my fate. I was lucky to have been placed in a good home with selfless and wonderful APs. I was unlucky to have been in that position to begin with. I was unlucky to have lost my sister in the process. I was unlucky to have been separated from my wonderful birth mother for 10 years.
There are no absolutes. Each person, each birth family, each adoptive family, each individual in either and both, each situation is unique. Because each is unique, no one word, imho, should be a "hot button"."
You said this and more"When I searched for my birth parents, my Grandma was very afraid and told me, "You belong to us now". Some of the statements are statements of anger for issues like this; and were I angry over this comment in my personal experience, I feel it would be me in the wrong -- for not taking into account the feelings of my sweet grandmother and her fear (rational or otherwise) of losing me. Maybe, some of the adopted families who talk like this, need comfort and reassurance instead of anger.
My Momma should have had more power. She gave up her 3 children and 2 different times and in 2 different states. I was 7; old enough to remember (and I painfully remember everything); and was forced to completely surrender ALL rights and visitation. In stomping our feet about how that affects the adoptees, let's not forget how a system such as that affects our biological families. Losing a child is a wound that never, never heals."
[url]http://forums.adoption.com/adoptee-support/430779-adoptees-why-you-so-angry.html[/url]
So what IS the truth? Really hard to say seeing as you have many different versions of truth?
Dickons
Now I'm even more confused...bolding mineJennifer was terminally ill with kidney issues and may not be alive":roadblock: Where do you perceive deceit in this statement? Jennifer was critically or terminally ill and may not be alive. But she may have also lived. In short, I don't know. :roadblock: "Be careful about advising others to seek their biological roots. We don't always like what we find. My biological father turned out to be a cruel and sick man. My very existence, being a product of an incest rape, is evidence of that." :roadblock: Yes, grandfather was a very ill man, and yes he did rape my biological mother, and yes, I am a product of that rape. We do not know what adoptees will find when they go searching and they may not like what they find and what they find may have negative consequences. If we are not aware of the situation, perhaps it is best to not be speaking about the situation. The "happily forever reunions" are not always what happens. Why does this confuse you? Why does this cause you to ponder that I may be being less than truthful? :roadblock:My adoption experience was traumatic and joyful; painful and liberating; postive and negative. I think angry adoptees, though many have very good reasons for their hurt and anger, are those who are only seeing one side of the equation.:roadblock: Yes, there are good parts and bad parts about my adoption experience. I believe that the same can be said of most adoption experiences. It was traumatic because I lost my entire family and way of life. It was joyful because my brother and I found a good home with good people who cared for us. It was painful because I lost my Momma and my sister. It was liberating because I no longer lived in fear of my Grandfather. I suggest that some angry adoptees may fail to see that positive outcomes and good things can come from adoptions. Nothing is guaranteed and nothing is absolute. :roadblock:In my 46 years of life, 45 years since my adoption, this is really the first time I have read and tried to listen to the experiences and feelings of other adoptees. I should speak little as I have just began to process what is, to me, new information. Adoption certainly isn't the "happily ever after" that the system and our media paints it out to be,.":roadblock: I was 7 when I was adopted, so the "45 years since my adoption" is an error. It should have read "37 years since my adoption". Thank you for pointing out this error. :roadblock:I "I was lucky to have been removed from an environment where sexual, physical and emotional abuse was my fate. I was lucky to have been placed in a good home with selfless and wonderful APs. I was unlucky to have been in that position to begin with. I was unlucky to have lost my sister in the process. I was unlucky to have been separated from my wonderful birth mother for 10 years....There are no absolutes. Each person, each birth family, each adoptive family, each individual in either and both, each situation is unique. Because each is unique, no one word, imho, should be a "hot button".:roadblock: That is my opinion and my experience. I reiterate that a given situation can encompass both good and bad consequences, that not everything is black and white, and that each situation is unique. :roadblock:"When I searched for my birth parents, my Grandma was very afraid and told me, "You belong to us now". Some of the statements are statements of anger for issues like this; and were I angry over this comment in my personal experience, I feel it would be me in the wrong -- for not taking into account the feelings of my sweet grandmother and her fear (rational or otherwise) of losing me. Maybe, some of the adopted families who talk like this, need comfort and reassurance instead of anger.:roadblock: If "grandma" is confusing to you, let me clarify that this was my adopted grandmother. This is my opinion. :roadblock:My Momma should have had more power. She gave up her 3 children and 2 different times and in 2 different states. I was 7; old enough to remember (and I painfully remember everything); and was forced to completely surrender ALL rights and visitation. :roadblock: Okay, now we're really picking at things and I'm starting to get irritated. "Everything" may be an exaggeration. How many 6 or 7 years olds do you know remember dates? :roadblock:So what IS the truth? Really hard to say seeing as you have many different versions of truth?Have I clarified your confusions?
Advertisements
Now I'm even more confused...bolding mine
Jennifer was terminally ill with kidney issues and may not be alive"
:roadblock: Where do you perceive deceit in this statement? Jennifer was critically or terminally ill and may not be alive. But she may have also lived. In short, I don't know. :roadblock:
"Be careful about advising others to seek their biological roots. We don't always like what we find. My biological father turned out to be a cruel and sick man. My very existence, being a product of an incest rape, is evidence of that."
:roadblock: Yes, grandfather was a very ill man, and yes he did rape my biological mother, and yes, I am a product of that rape. We do not know what adoptees will find when they go searching and they may not like what they find and what they find may have negative consequences. If we are not aware of the situation, perhaps it is best to not be speaking about the situation. The "happily forever reunions" are not always what happens. Why does this confuse you? Why does this cause you to ponder that I may be being less than truthful? :roadblock:
My adoption experience was traumatic and joyful; painful and liberating; postive and negative. I think angry adoptees, though many have very good reasons for their hurt and anger, are those who are only seeing one side of the equation.
:roadblock: Yes, there are good parts and bad parts about my adoption experience. I believe that the same can be said of most adoption experiences. It was traumatic because I lost my entire family and way of life. It was joyful because my brother and I found a good home with good people who cared for us. It was painful because I lost my Momma and my sister. It was liberating because I no longer lived in fear of my Grandfather. I suggest that some angry adoptees may fail to see that positive outcomes and good things can come from adoptions. Nothing is guaranteed and nothing is absolute. :roadblock:
In my 46 years of life, 45 years since my adoption, this is really the first time I have read and tried to listen to the experiences and feelings of other adoptees. I should speak little as I have just began to process what is, to me, new information. Adoption certainly isn't the "happily ever after" that the system and our media paints it out to be,."
:roadblock: I was 7 when I was adopted, so the "45 years since my adoption" is an error. It should have read "37 years since my adoption". Thank you for pointing out this error. :roadblock:
I "I was lucky to have been removed from an environment where sexual, physical and emotional abuse was my fate. I was lucky to have been placed in a good home with selfless and wonderful APs. I was unlucky to have been in that position to begin with. I was unlucky to have lost my sister in the process. I was unlucky to have been separated from my wonderful birth mother for 10 years....There are no absolutes. Each person, each birth family, each adoptive family, each individual in either and both, each situation is unique. Because each is unique, no one word, imho, should be a "hot button".
:roadblock: That is my opinion and my experience. I reiterate that a given situation can encompass both good and bad consequences, that not everything is black and white, and that each situation is unique. :roadblock:
"When I searched for my birth parents, my Grandma was very afraid and told me, "You belong to us now". Some of the statements are statements of anger for issues like this; and were I angry over this comment in my personal experience, I feel it would be me in the wrong -- for not taking into account the feelings of my sweet grandmother and her fear (rational or otherwise) of losing me. Maybe, some of the adopted families who talk like this, need comfort and reassurance instead of anger.
:roadblock: If "grandma" is confusing to you, let me clarify that this was my adopted grandmother. This is my opinion. :roadblock:
My Momma should have had more power. She gave up her 3 children and 2 different times and in 2 different states. I was 7; old enough to remember (and I painfully remember everything); and was forced to completely surrender ALL rights and visitation.
:roadblock: Okay, now we're really picking at things and I'm starting to get irritated. "Everything" may be an exaggeration. How many 6 or 7 years olds do you know remember dates? :roadblock:
So what IS the truth? Really hard to say seeing as you have many different versions of truth?
Have I clarified your confusions?
PS: "Find" Jennifer does not necessarily mean "Contact" Jennifer. Whether or not I take that step is decided completely on whether or not I find her, whether or not she is alive, whether or not she knows she's adopted (as discovering you are adopted at age 40 can be traumatic and damaging, and I'll have no part of that), and a myriad of other considerations.
There are, most often, good and bad consequences for every action we take. For now, I only wish to know whether or not she is alive and who adopted her.
Kenneth,
Terminal means terminal - perhaps you are just naturally hyperbolic? Why not just say she was sick and I don't know how bad it was, I was only seven? As to how long you've been adopted? I'm still having a hard time believing you could make that mistake - we all remember when (what age) we were adopted, perhaps you were trying to hard to fit in? Don't try so hard if that's the case. Consistency gains trust on a forum, your story doesn't change. Your feelings about your story can, and likely will change over the course of your life - not your story.
Dickons
Advertisements
Dickons
Kenneth,
Terminal means terminal - perhaps you are just naturally hyperbolic? Why not just say she was sick and I don't know how bad it was, I was only seven? As to how long you've been adopted? I'm still having a hard time believing you could make that mistake - we all remember when (what age) we were adopted, perhaps you were trying to hard to fit in? Don't try so hard if that's the case. Consistency gains trust on a forum, your story doesn't change. Your feelings about your story can, and likely will change over the course of your life - not your story.
Dickons
UPDATE:
I have contacted the adoption agency that handled my adoption and requested records. Should be here in about 10 days. It appears that Momma worked directly with this adoption agency (rather than directly through the State), so they should actually have more information about mine and my brother's case than the State would. I'm hoping there will be more information regarding Jennifer there.
I am also in the process of requesting my adoption file from the State office.
There seems to be confusion regarding where she was actually born at the moment. My APs contacted AR and received information through their office in Hot Springs many years ago. This has led them to believe that her place of birth and adoption was actually Hot Springs. I remain confident that her place of birth and adoption was Fayetteville; but I'm a "confirm your beliefs" kinda guy.
My APs have hunted down and located some documents, including a response to their letter of inquiry to AR regarding Jennifer. I hope that there may be pertinent information there, as well. They will be providing me copies, hopefully in the next couple days.
I have narrowed down her place of birth, based on AM's previous discussions with BM, placing her age at 15-18 months younger than C. This would place her birth at 12/1974 to 3/1975. Hopefully, forthcoming files will clarify the matter.
Please do not fault Momma for her inability to remember and relay J' birthday. Later in life, she was diagnosed with "Disassociative Identity Disorder" (formerly called "Multiple Personality Disorder") and PTSD. Her lack of remembering is a reflection on the incredible strain and pain she was going through and her state of mind at the time; and not a reflection on neither her character nor my honesty.
Thanks for listening.
Advertisements
My APs have provided me with the few documents they received from the adoption agency.
According to statements given by Momma, Jennifer had "Kidney Lardaceous"; the closest Mach I could find during my research was "Lardaceious Kidney". This is also called "Waxy Kidney" or "amyloidosis"; it is incurable and progressive and the prognosis of this condition is typically death within a few years; thus a terminal disease. With this being the case, it is reasonable to assume that Jennifer is dead.
However, another document, received from Arkansas, indicates that Jennifer was adopted and, to put it in their words, "medical conditions are disappearing with age and she is developing into a normal healthy child".
Sorry, but according to what I have found, amyloidosis doesn't work like that. So, either the diagnosis was wrong; or, Arkansas was just telling us what we wanted to hear; or something. So I'm really not sure what to believe at this point.
The documents also indicated that, at the time the documents were drafted, Jennifer was 5 mos. old; which would have served to pinpoint an age and narrow down a DOB to within 60 day period, max. Unfortunately, the document is not dated and mine and C's ages are not listed (only our DOB) on the documents. However, the documents they provided are also a copy of the front and back of an envelope with mine and C's name listed, dated 3-76; if this is the date of those documents, then Jennifer's birthday would be approx. 10/1975.