Young mother of 3, pregnant and considering adoption

Hopefully some of this will help your decision! Short Backstory: I'm 32. I recently had a reunion with my birth mother. I found out I have an older sister, and a younger sister and brother. My older sister and younger sister knew that I existed but my younger brother for whatever reason did not. ( I probably did not come up in conversation much lol) My new siblings are all really excited that I have a good life and were very happy to meet me. As the baby that was "given up" I can tell you that It never crossed my mind to hate or feel left like I was not wanted. In fact the first thing I told my birth mother was thank you. I was born in Colombia and adopted by my parents in the USA. I have a great life here and my parents here are my mom and dad. They told me at a young age that I was adopted and what that meant. ( I think that is very important) In my opinion if the child is put up for adoption and finds a good home with a good family then you have done a great thing. If they ever want to search for you at some point then that's up to them. My parents also adopted my brother and sister from Colombia as well. (not blood related) My sister was left a note by her birth mom stating why she was put up for adoption. You could do something similar if you wish. I hope this helps you out some!

Here is the thing, adoption is a crapshoot. In this day and age you get to choose the family and certainly don't have to just leave a note explaining why you chose adoption. You don't have to wait for reunion. There is open adoption now. Of course, open adoption isn't legally enforceable in most states, so if the adoption closes, which happens on a fairly regular basis, you have no legal recourse. The parents you choose may turn out to be fabulous, but adoptive families have problems too. There is nothing to say that they will remain married, that no tragedy will strike... just because they look storybook perfect in their five page profile doesn't mean that they really are. Anyone can be perfect long enough for a homestudy and profile book. What effect will adoption have on the children you are parenting now? Will they fear that you are going to abandon them? How will your grief affect your parenting skills? Make no mistake it will. My brother will tell you that our mother wasn't the same person after she lost me to adoption. If you place your child for adoption, he or she will have a falsified birth certificate and you will be erased as a mother. The adoptive parents will be listed as the only parents. Legally you will be nothing to your child. Legally your children will no longer be siblings. There are so many resources out there to help you, many of which I'm sure you know about. Adoption is often a very permanent solution to what is many times a temporary problem. Think long and hard before you go down the adoption road. Nothing anyone says can prepare you for the grief and loss you may very well experience.

it really is a permanent solution for what may be a temporary problem. where you are now is not where you will always be. my suggestion? get counseling. choose someone who has no connection to whether or not you place but does have experience. i don't even know if that person exists! what i do know is that you need to be informed and sure. are you wrong for considering it? of course not. you're weighing your options. just weigh carefully. i wish you a clear head and good luck in this decision.

The agency I am working with has birthmothers that have placed, 2nd, 3rd, etc. children while continuing to parent. They will NOT pressure you to choose and adoption plan, but they can help you with counseling and resources whatever you decide to do. You are a good mother whatever you choose, you obviously love your baby and whatever you decide it will be in their best interest. There are many wonderful families waiting to adopt that would be very open to supporting a relationship with you and your other children. Photos, letters, visits, etc, so you don't have to lose that connection with them.

There is no easy answer for this as nobody can foretell what will happen. Your unborn child could grow up happy and well adjusted being adopted. He or she might not be happy and well adjusted. Your children could be fine about their sibling being adopted. One or all of them might not like it. You could cope with your child being adopted. You might not and regret it for the rest of your life. The same as the father of your children. The real truth is that you will be told the positives of adoption but none of the negatives. Open adoption is the best way forward if you take that path but it can be closed. Not all do but it can happen so you could be left devastated. You child could even grow up not knowing he or she is adopted. It is also a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

Hi Meli, I'm afraid there are no easy answers and no reassurances in these situations. As others have said, what could happen is a crap shoot. It is obvious you care a great deal for your family. I want you to know I wish the best for you and your family, and my thoughts are with you.

I'm on the other end of things but hopefully my "story" can give you a little insight. Two of my children share the same first mom. My 3 year old (adoptive) daughter came to us at around 7 months old but we had been the ones to primarily care for her since she was 6 weeks old. "First mom" was my distant cousin through marriage. We had grown up close but when she became a teenager, she chose another path than I and we drifted ways. Long story short, she made the choice to place little love for adoption. Two months after we finalized her adoption, she gave birth to her second child and her and her then boyfriend opted to parent that child. When her second child was around 6 months old, she fell pregnant with her 3rd. By this point her boyfriend was no longer in the picture and she was struggling to get on her feet and raise her 2nd child as a single parent. She chose adoption for her third child ultimately because she felt it was in everyone's best interest. She felt that it wouldn't be fair to the new baby not to have a father, and to suffer financially. She felt it wouldn't be fair to her 2nd child as parenting the new baby would take from him. And she didn't feel it would be fair to herself to raise a second child as a single parent with no help. We adopted her third child as well. At that point we were ready for our family to grow and we knew we had to keep the siblings together. Their first mom and I do not always see eye to eye and we are not the best of friends by any means but one thing we do have in common is the love for our children. We have been very open with our daughter about being adopted and what that means and plan to do the same with our son. They are very much in their first mom and brothers lives along with many other realives. We visit often and she babysits when she's free and we need a night out. It's a pretty ideal situation. First mom struggled a lot with her decision to place our daughter for adoption mostly because if the unknowns but together we work hard to make it work. It's not about either of us, but instead about our children. If you chose adoption, I would recommend open adoption. Also, remember that adoptive parents are not perfect either! So just be realistic and follow your heart and seek the best scenario for all involved. Best wishes!

Meli, I can't even begin to tell you that I know all about your situation but, I can tell you that I've been in your same situation from an adoptive parent side. I would hope that my short post will help alleviate some of your questions and concerns and I pray that you will find peace with the decision that you make! My four year old son was adopted from a birth mom who was in your same situation. She had three older children, ages 15, 13 and 10, at the time of my son's birth. She was in a relationship where the father was not necessarily present or an active part of their lives. Because of her situation, at the time, she felt that she was unable to care for a fourth child AND still be able to provide for the three children that she had. She chose adoption and everyone involved has been blessed beyond measure. We have an open adoption with her and let her control how much contact she would like to have. We did this so that her children would not feel like they had "lost" a sibling. We wanted them to be involved if that's what they chose to do. Our son's birth mom still has some contact with our family...once again, it's up to her how much she would like to have. We live in the same town as her and so we do see her from time-to-time and every reunion is joyous, bright and memorable. I can only speak with absolute passion about adoption and the miracle that it is for all involved. Our birth mom has been able to turn her life around and provide well for her other three children. She has married a great man and has added another child since. She will tell you that it's because of the miracle of adoption that she has been able to get to where she is today. I would be happy to answer any questions that you might have and again, pray that you will find peace in whatever decision you make! Best of luck and much love to you as you consider the most selfless act that ever existed. You love yourself, your children and your unborn child and that is obvious by the concern in your post!

I'm successful post losing a child to adoption, and it has nothing to with "the miracle that adoption is". Do you really think that they mother of your child is always telling you the truth? Do you really believe that you see the raw grief and anguish she has gone through? Adoption can work out, but please, don't paint it as the perfect solution for everyone, because it certainly is not.

Hogwash. If surrendering children was a selfless act then every person parenting are selfish people. Giving into desperation and pressure is not courageous and selfless any more than deciding to parent makes someone cowardly and selfish. Successful people succeed from determination and hard work whether or not they choose to keep their children. I'm sure adoption is a miracle for you. And perhaps your child's (not your) natural mother is currently in a good place, but don't pretend to yourself that its all rainbows and unicorns for her. Her children did lose a sibling and she lost a child. You gained a child; so no way, no how, can you understand.

By the way, are you the Tina Brown from A Step Ahead Adoption Services? If so, can you tell us how much money you clear from each adoption miracle you facilitate?

I'm just going to keep you in my prayers. I know for me, I desperately want to become a mother and it would truly be the greatest gift someone could give me. I'm not naive to the effects a decision like placing a child up for adoption will have on you and your entire family. I think in these instances, you have to be crystal clear and sure of what YOU truly want, because it is permanent. There will be grieving and thoughts for the rest of your life that will sneak up and bite a bit. It's all in how you decide to look at it and what your attitude towards it is. We have three children adopted into my extended yet very close family and I know with no doubt in my mind that they will have questions, they will feel like a piece of them was lost, but they will adjust and they will grow up being loved and having every advantage and opportunity in life that will shape the entire course of their lives.

You're desperate to be a parent... ok... I get that, more than you could ever realize, but telling a woman who it would feel to place her child is pretty disingenuous unless you have placed a child for adoption. I have placed a child for adoption, I now have secondary infertility. I comment on what I know... which is being adopted, a mother of loss, and having secondary infertility.

As you have acknowledged, there is always loss in adoption. Some adoptees never adjust well. Some do.... We do need to be very mindful of the fact that while some adoptees, apparently those in your extended family, grow up in loving homes and have "every advantage and opportunity in life," this simply isn't true for all adoptees. As with biological families, adoptive families run the gamut from poor to excellent.