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I have been thinking over my adoption experience and wondering how I could have handled a certain situation differently. My husband and I were faced with a choice between two birth moms wanting to be matched with us. One was half way through her pregnancy and the other was still in her first trimester. We had been speaking with the one in her first trimester for over a month and the other for only a week. We had some major concerns with the expectant mom we had been speaking with for a month because she was still considering abortion, did not have insurance, refused to speak with our agency, wanted to move across the states so she and her other children could live with us, and had recently broken up with the birth father, who was physically and emotionally abusive. When we began speaking with the expectant mother who was halfway through the pregnancy, we just clicked. We had a lot in common and her family was very supportive of her choice to place her child for adoption, so we chose to accept her request to be matched. Our agency tried to notify the other expectant mother that we were matched, but she wouldn't answer their calls. I ended up telling her a couple days later when she asked when we would come meet her. She was extremely upset by this news and I felt awful! I wonder if I could have done this differently so that she was less upset by the news. How do you suggest declining an opportunity to match?
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So, so, so hard. I'm sure you handled it as gracefully and with as much love as you possibly could. Sometimes things like that are just painful, no matter what. I really believe that in adoption, birth moms and adoptive parents alike have to follow their intuition - so in declining a match, I would probably try to emphasize that. "My heart is telling me that this is the right match for our family, which means that the right match for your baby is still out there somewhere." I would also do my best to maintain the friendship and continue providing emotional support to the expectant mom. I realize that's not always possible, though.
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The ' decline ' to me Professionally and as a Mom sound more like she was trying to take advantage of ya'll Financially.I do not hear the fact of meeting in person, and to me . Meeting in person gives a broader spectrum and or understanding and or commitment of where both Parties stand or are coming from in General or the entire Specturm??
It was a difficult situation to know what to do. I still really care about her and wish the best for her and her child. She didn't speak to me for several months after I broke the news to her, but she has recently reached out to me again to talk. She has chosen to parent and we have fun chatting about baby stuff. She said she is still hurts because she felt like we didn't want her baby, but I explained the best I could that we loved her and her baby; we just felt that this other match was a really good fit for us.
Just because you are looking to adopt does not mean every situation you are presented with is right for you. After my birth daughter's parents adopted their son, they turned down two different expectant mothers because it didn't feel right to them. It was hard for them as they very much wanted a second child. But it all fell into place when they met me, and now they have two beautiful children who have the most amazing sibling bond I have ever seen. All you can do is be honest and direct with the expectant parents about why you are declining, and hope for the best
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