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Hello Everyone,
I would love any help I can get. My husband and I adopted two sibling girls (4 and 5 at the time) two years ago. About a year before they came to live with us we made a verbal agreement that we would adopt the girls then, shortly after, we found out we were pregnant with our first child. I expressed my reservations with my husband but he assured me that all would be fine and that we couldn't leave them in their current situation or allow them to be separated from one another. So I trusted that God wanted this to happen. We proceeded with the adoption and 6 months later our daughter was born.
I have had a terrible time bonding with the two sisters. As I saw from another poster, I do EVERYTHING for the family. Meals, homework, baths, clothes, transportation, extracurricular activities, etc. but I simply have a hard time loving on the girls the way that I do my biological daughter. I don't know how to fix my preferential treatment. The adoptive daughters flock to their father and it is clear that they prefer him to me. He is much more affectionate than I am but I also feel that that is partially due to the fact that the baby has been pretty much my sole responsibility since her arrival which allows very little one-on-one time with the older girls. I saw on several other posts about using sweets which I am opposed to because, for one, we are a limited sugar household and during their previous lives if they were fed they were only given junk food so we are trying to introduce them to a healthier diet.
Now, we are pregnant with our second biological child and I fear this will increase my emotional distance with my adopted daughters. I recognize that it is something inside of me that I need to fix. Any suggestions is greatly appreciated.
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Have you talked to a therapist? I am an adoptee that was raised with a biologically born child to my adoptive parents, I would encourage you to seek out some help now. I would imagine that your adopted children notice that they are treated differently. I know I knew, all my life, that I was different and treated different from my brother (biologically born into the family). My grandparents did the same. Eventually, my family chose to send me away to boarding school and I am grateful for that. My relationship with my family is slim to nonexistent (oddly, as I type this message, my mother has texted me for the first time in 4 years! LOL).You may not be prepared to parent adopted children -- and that is okay. There is nothing wrong with admitting that. The only people who risk being hurt are the children and, as I am sure you're aware, they don't deserve that. I'd find a therapist that specializes in adoption and family issues. Try to find some ways to deal with your feelings and if that doesn't work, consider more extreme options.I am so sorry you're in this position. It must be hard and the guilt must be almost debilitating. Hang in there -- keep coming back -- ask questions. We've got some great members here that enjoy helping others!
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It's important to acknowledge your feelings without beating yourself up, while trying to see how you can change. It is different binding with a young child than a baby you brought to this world. I would definitely seek some professional advice, as well as trying to find some one on one time with your adopted daughters.