Finding out your Birthparents married

January 14, 2018

I was reunited with my Birthparents last March. On February 18, 2017 (exactly my 50 and half birthday) I found out the true identity of my birth mother. I was also very shocked to learn that she married my birth father and I have 3 biological siblings that didn’t know I existed. In that moment i felt such pain that i was forgotten and left behind. I was prepared for and only ever focused on a young birth mother of 15 or 16 and maybe some half siblings . Finding my birth father and getting to know his family was so far off my radar. I found out my birth mother went to the same high school as my mom but was 6 years younger. I found out she was 18 and he was 19 and they married 3 years later. The siblings were told a week after we had our first conversation and we made plans to meet. The reunion went amazing and everyone accepted me with open arms. For the first time in my life i felt COMPLETE and so happy. We started making new memories with family trips and lots of phone conversations since we all lived in different states. My birth mother welcome me with open arms but it took her some time to open up about my birth story. I waited patiently and slowly her story, his story and my birth story came out. It was painful to hear he didn’t come to the hospital, she was all alone, their parents swept by birth (the shame) “under the rug”, they never spoke of my existance ever again but thought about me every day of their lives. I get it, it was the 60’s, I probably would have done the same thing but it’s painful and I sometimes feel like I’m on an island trying to figure this out. I think it’s rare for couples to stay together after the “pregnancy crisis” but in some ways i feel like it bonded my birth parents together because of it. Does anyone have a similar story? I feel like I’m all alone sometimes as my husband and children don’t understand what I’m going through. I am so blessed but it’s amazing to look back at your 50 years of life and see how it could have been all different.

Andy Stanley

October 26, 2023

I wanted to share my experience which seems very similar. I am 47 and in March 2023 I received my original birth records. I found my bMom and bDad married four years after my birth and then had 3 more children together. They are still married and they, my siblings and their families all live a couple hours from me. Our first meeting together was in July and was one of the greatest moments of my life. They have been accepting and loving throughout. We stay in contact and make plans for future get togethers.

I always denied to others and myself the importance of knowing my birth family. It took many years and changes in my life for me to be open to even looking. My mindset changed very quickly after getting my records and learning more about my bFamily. I suddenly realized what losing my bMom meant to me and how it had impacted my whole life. When I first met my bFamily I likewise felt very complete as a person and did not anticipate how deeply it would impact me. Seeing myself in others, their appearance and personalities, it felt like I was with my people and it made me so happy.

While it has been such a fulfilling experience it has also brought me a better understand of the pain I have felt my whole life. I think I'll always feel a sense of loss for my mom and the life we never had together. I feel insecure because I have not shared a lifetime of experiences with them and will never be close to them the same way they are with each other. And I miss them when we haven't had a chance to talk or get together for a few weeks.

My wife has been a great supporter through this and has been learning with me along the way. And despite all that she's done, I think it's impossible for her to understand exactly how I feel.

I'm frequently overjoyed knowing I have this second family that I love so much and also very sad for what we've lost. I also feel alone even though I have many loved ones in my life. I'm glad to finally be honest with myself and hope to find greater peace in time. And I also find comfort in hearing other adoptee reunion experiences and how they are working through it.

It's been less than 4 months since I first met my bFamily. I would love to hear how your experience since first writing this has gone and what you've learned over the past 5 years.