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This is my first post so I will give some background. I have two adopted children (one step (10) , one not (12) and a biological 16 mo old.
The two adopted children were in contact with their bio mom up until three years or so and ultimately her rights were terminated due to multiple failed reunification attempts. We ultimately adopted my stepdaughters oldest sister who has adjusted well after therapy and is very much attached to the family. The 10 y/o has been in counseling since the age of 4 when she was first removed from her mothers care and since then we have been given a number of diagnosis for her and after 6 years in therapy, including family therapy which was a disaster, with no hope of knowing what is really going on with her. ODD was her first diagnosis, then ADD was pursued but she fell short one point on the assessment for the diagnosis, then PTSD. All of her symptoms seem to fit under RAD and her new therapist believes this could be what she has though because of her age it is difficult to pinpoint what is going on with her. She's had trauma, abandonment, and 100% sure there was substance abuse during pregnancy.
Her behaviors started worse in the home, mostly towards me her stepmother, and she seemed to be doing well in school though she had some issues. Now her behavior at school is resulting in suspensions. She lies, steals, destroys property, runs away, approaches strangers, sexually aggressive, and has some self harming behaviors. She fears no authority, has no sense of danger, and presents no empathy when she hurts others. We've re homed two pets and have had to limit her time around her other siblings because of her violence towards them. I am to the point that I feel hopeless and am just waiting for CPS to show up at my door which would make me lose my job because well...i'm a social worker!
I've read books, been to countless therapy sessions, even went as far as calling the local police department the last time she stole an item and was told I could not be helped because they did not want to make her scared of the police! I've spoken with the principal and am told she's not as bad as the other kids so she isn't on their radar with her behavior. Yet I have parents coming to my home because my child is a bully or stealing their items and she's getting kicked of the bus. So I feel I am just having to sit and wait for it all to explode in my face and lose my other children because I have no other place to go with my fears. How am I supposed to care for my children when one child is destroying the whole family? And sadly it makes me regret the adoption all together then I feel like a horrible person. My marriage is in shambles because of this, my mental health is deteriorating, and I dread going home. It makes me feel like a monster to feel this way.
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This is my first post so I will give some background. I have two adopted children (one step (10) , one not (12) and a biological 16 mo old.The two adopted children were in contact with their bio mom up until three years or so and ultimately her rights were terminated due to multiple failed reunification attempts. We ultimately adopted my stepdaughters oldest sister who has adjusted well after therapy and is very much attached to the family. The 10 y/o has been in counseling since the age of 4 when she was first removed from her mothers care and since then we have been given a number of diagnosis for her and after 6 years in therapy, including family therapy which was a disaster, with no hope of knowing what is really going on with her. ODD was her first diagnosis, then ADD was pursued but she fell short one point on the assessment for the diagnosis, then PTSD. All of her symptoms seem to fit under RAD and her new therapist believes this could be what she has though because of her age it is difficult to pinpoint what is going on with her. She's had trauma, abandonment, and 100% sure there was substance abuse during pregnancy. Her behaviors started worse in the home, mostly towards me her stepmother, and she seemed to be doing well in school though she had some issues. Now her behavior at school is resulting in suspensions. She lies, steals, destroys property, runs away, approaches strangers, sexually aggressive, and has some self harming behaviors. She fears no authority, has no sense of danger, and presents no empathy when she hurts others. We've re homed two pets and have had to limit her time around her other siblings because of her violence towards them. I am to the point that I feel hopeless and am just waiting for CPS to show up at my door which would make me lose my job because well...i'm a social worker! I've read books, been to countless therapy sessions, even went as far as calling the local police department the last time she stole an item and was told I could not be helped because they did not want to make her scared of the police! I've spoken with the principal and am told she's not as bad as the other kids so she isn't on their radar with her behavior. Yet I have parents coming to my home because my child is a bully or stealing their items and she's getting kicked of the bus. So I feel I am just having to sit and wait for it all to explode in my face and lose my other children because I have no other place to go with my fears. How am I supposed to care for my children when one child is destroying the whole family? And sadly it makes me regret the adoption all together then I feel like a horrible person. My marriage is in shambles because of this, my mental health is deteriorating, and I dread going home. It makes me feel like a monster to feel this way.
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two kids, three times, their behavior deteriorated.- first time, kid 1, 3 years old, came home from Respite, and would not leave my side, even when I used the restroom, he would pound on the door, it started suddenly, lasted for 3 weeks, at 3 weeks as I was putting him to bed, he said "XXXX spanked me." - second time, kid 2, 5 years old, in Head Start, sitter and I noticed behavior changes over a number of months, could not figure it out, kid's behavior clearly worse, and still getting worse, counseling bumped up to 2 times a week, no improvement, then I pick her up from Head Start, and to my surprise, a teacher is carrying her in from the playground. This was just the tip of the iceberg, they were putting her in isolation in the bathroom, and this had been going on for about 5 months. When I asked my daughter why she hadn't told me what they were doing, she said "you weren't there." My concrete thinker. She never went back to Head Start.- third time, kid 2, Kindergarten, again behavior getting worse, again 2 times a week counseling, then I pick her up and find her in isolation in a hall. She had no concept of time, so didn't know if she'd been there all day, or just a few minutes, she couldn't tell me, and she was terrified about what was going to happen to her. They had been doing that to her all year, up to that point.My message: Every child in my care that changed their behavior had a good reason to do so, and it just took me a while to figure out what that reason was. I feel bad because I was pretty slow about it, but eventually I did identify the issue that was driving them to behave so badly.I would strongly suggest you look into what's happening at school/daycare. With kids that have suffered great traumas, isolation can be terrifying, and you should look into inappropriate contact with an adult, because traumatized kids are extremely vulnerable to being groomed, abused, and threatened into silence.
As a fost/adoptive parent, I can tell you, part of the problem is trauma and PTSD. No one talks about that in kids. My now 17 yo came to me when he was 6. I was his 3rd placement after his birth mom. I took him to a "professional" child psychiatrist and he never brought up the idea of trauma. All he said was ADHD and ODD to put him on meds. Another thing: some of this is anxiety. Anxiety in some kids comes out as aggression (found that out on this website before its current incantation). OP: see if you can get anti-anxiety meds. Also try essential oils. These kids have to learn to trust and then they can start moving forward. Their brains are wired into survival for awhile before they start feeling safe.
It's clear you've been working to try and understand what's going on.I believe absolutely that children change their behavior for a reason, so I would encourage you to keep looking.Then the problem is look for what?From your description, things were OK, and then got worse.My first response talked about my experiences, where that situation with my foster kids was due to mistreatment.After reading Millie58's post, I remembered something from my training which could also be driving your daughter's behavior.Elementary school starts off with very concrete learning, and around 4th grade the learning starts to include abstract ideas, and it's at this point that some children who have a learning disorder start to struggle. Children that have an undiagnosed learning disorder sometimes start making trouble at school, because it gets them pulled out of class, so they get immediate relief from the stress of not being able to do what the other kids are doing, and then when they come back to class, they use the time that they were absent as an excuse for not doing the work.To find out if this is true for your daughter, you can request that the school test her, and if they initially say no, keep moving up the ladder and asking, because they often ration their resources, and persistent asking will pay off.Along that same idea, if your daughter's eyes haven't been checked by an eye doctor, that would be something else to do. My daughter said nothing about not being able to read the screen in her 2nd grade class. She had passed all of the simple sight tests, but in 2nd grade we found out that she actually did need glasses, and when she got them, suddenly her school work improved, and her behavior in class improved too, because now she could see what the teacher was pointing at on the screen.
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