New here.

I was adopted from Korea to a white family in rural Michigan. I was adopted at 3 months old, I'm 27 and married now. My adoptive parents have told me that my birthparents were too young and felt they could not take care of me. When I was 8 or so, they informed me that I had a sister and that my biological father had died, but my birth mother kept the other child. My adoptive parents also tried to adopt domestically first. When I was younger, it was painful to know that I was an accidental pregnancy, and a 3rd choice to my adoptive parents (they obviously tried to conceive children of their own first, tried to adopt from the U.S., and then adopted internationally because they got the idea from another family in the area). To add to the adversity I faced growing up, I was raised in a SEVERELY closed-minded, racist, 3,500 person town. The first time I even heard a racial slur I was called a nigger in elementary school. My adolescence was full of racial slurs, innuendos, and other ignorant action that was directed toward me. There were 2 other Korean boys adopted to a different white familly in my town, but they were much older and the one I did get to know a bit was engulfed by the racist, backwoods culture and ended up JUST like the majority of the town's population. My birthmother sent me a letter when I was around 18. She also sent pictures of her and my biological sister. My adoptive parents had a semi-open adoption I guess because they sent letters and pictures back and forth throughout my life. I have not responded to the letter from my birth mother and it has been about 10 years. I have recently considered it because the depression, anxiety, and melancholy that were a VERY prevalent part of most of my life have been resurfacing lately. I was married over 5 years ago and my wife is wonderful. She found me at my lowest and still saw something in me. I was abusing drugs and doing nothing positive with my life when we met. I quit the drugs and that toxic lifestyle when we started dating and the first several years of our relationship and marriage were almost like this honeymoon phase where we were happy and nothing outside of our relationship could affect us. We started getting involved in different types of activism within the last couple of years and its almost like being reminded of all of the unnecessary suffering in the world pulled the wool off of our eyes. Lately, I have been having a lot of the same feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, etc. that I had before I met my wife. To complicate things a bit further, my wife's immediate family is outwardly racist and prejudiced, as are many many members of both of our extended families. My adoptive parents are naive to racism and MUCH of the injustice my wife and I fight so hard to correct, ESPECIALLY racism. I am very disappointed that raising a minority son did not open their minds to their subconscious racism AT ALL. I feel so disconnected from everyone, especially because I only live 45 miles away from that racist cesspool of a town I grew up in, in a ~40,000 person town with a very similar mindset. I sometimes wonder if the disconnect I feel toward my adoptive parents is common among other adoptees, or if I have just become cold because I grew up suppressing so much extreme hatred and anger. This is my first time posting here. This is also my first time even considering reaching out to a community like this. I want to heal for my wife. I am so miserable most of the time lately, it sometimes brings her down too. I have trouble finding joy or even hope. I woke up the other day feeling pretty lousy so I tried to think, "what would make me happy today?" The only thing I could think of was violent destruction of people who abuse, exploit, rape, torture, and kill animals. Obviously acting on anger and being violent is counterproductive for enacting REAL positive change in the world, plus I've got too much to lose to be out there being destructive. I don't want to discuss the vegan or equal rights activism my wife and I are involved with unless you have genuine questions and want to discuss the topic like an adult. I'm educated on what I fight for and I've heard every argument possible from people who don't do the research. I guess what I'm wondering is: do other adoptees, especially international adoptees also have this rage burning inside them? Do you have this disconnect with your adoptive family? Do you feel as emotionless and stoic toward your biological family as I do? Have other adoptees who are a different race than their adoptive families experienced racism and how did you handle it? Did you share with your adoptive parents? Did they ever understand? I know nothing about my heritage. I feel more of an automatic connection to other Asians in this area than most of my adoptive family, but I rarely meet other Asians who ONLY speak english. Also, how have some of you healed? What has helped? How did you start?