23 and me showed me as father of unknown daughter from 30 years ago. She is open to meeting birth parents, should I?

Since she's 30, I would say reach out to her directly. Don't say you're her father; just say you're closely matched. good luck!

Millie58....I think you are my new best friend...This is really hard...there could be no good answers to apply to anything here. I do like the idea of reaching out as a connection with out saying I am father. Really sad, as so much I see is about the birth mother not birth father. Sometimes the birth father is not given a choice, is not part of the process, for what ever reason the birth mother views as bad. Maybe sometimes birth mother view is wrong???I have lost 30 years of a life, I will never know....because everyone is focused on birth mother...Could I have influenced....maybeCould I have taken her in a different direction...maybewould she still have my soul....yes, and she always will....my hope is there...

Hi Timmy timmy,It's been a few months since you first posted. Have you made a decision?I am a birth mother who placed my son for adoption when I was in college. I met him and have been in reunion with him since he was 33. In the early years (of reunion) I was also a moderator on adoption.com. What I learned from talking (and listening) to many adoptees was that they preferred the parents to contact them rather than their adoptive parents. That said, I couldn't find current location or phone for my son because he had just moved. I did contact his adad. In my case it worked well. They told him, gave him my information and he contacted me when he was ready.I hope you do contact you. We can't change the past, but we have today. The fact that she said she was open to contact sounds like an invitation to me. Just remember to take it slow. It's a bit like a roller coaster especially at first.Blessings, Kathy

So I did reach out through 23andme. Said I was a close relative, and it opened up the door. She wanted to know how close, so I eventually let her know (by opening up the connection in (23andme) that I was birth father. We started very strong with background info etc. I honestly was not sure about birth mother, was she open to meeting, was it open adaption, etc. So I took it slow, without giving up too much information. All contact via e-mail. Mostly just the back ground I knew from college. She shared some things with me about adaption, and always knew she was adopted. The birth mother stayed in touch a little, but I am not sure exactly how much really. Birth daughter said she did not know anything about me, and I told her, I did not know I had a birth daughter, until I got the surprise on 23andme. She told me of course she always wondered about this mysterious person. After about a week of pretty deep e-mails....it just stopped from her. I am not sure why. I have this bad feeling she contacted birth moth, and maybe said something. Or maybe some one else told her to stop. I am just not sure why. I am college educated, live a normal life. nothing bad I can think of, so not sure what would push her away. I gave her my cell number, etc, if she ever wanted to reach out. but she has not since some initial e-mails. I tried e-mailing a few times to ask her to please give me a why of the stop in contact, but nothing. I of course what more, but do not want to push, or push her away. Maybe she just needs time? Maybe I should reach out to birth mother? I am not sure if birth mother wants contact form birth daughter, or me for that matter. these things are not easy. I have not told anyone. So now I have this "secret" part of me, that no one but me really knows about....Yes this is hard in so many ways....I just want to be a good birth father, on my birth daughters terms, what ever those may be. But, the sudden silence is so confusing.

Dear Timmy,That is a difficult position to be in. (I said it was a rollercoaster ride!) It's always possible that she has gotten the information she sought and that's all she needed. There are, of course, several other possibilities: she may have talked to her aparents and they are hurt, or she may worry that they will be hurt; she may have contacted her birth mother who got upset that you had found out; she may just need time to process. I'm not sure it's the best idea, but I would be tempted to contact the bmother to find out why she never told you she was pregnant. I never told the bfather of my son that I was pregnant for a number of reasons (including the fact that he got engaged an married to another girl before I gave birth.) I did tell him before I signed the final papers because I wanted the family medical information to be as complete as possible. [I asked him one time in later years what he wanted me to do if I was contacted by our son and he wanted to meet his birth father; he said he'd leave it up to my judgment. Unfortunately, he had died before I reconnected with my son.] I doubt that you did anything to push her away; contacting you has undoubtedly brought up strong emotions that she is not yet willing or able to share. Try to patiently (!) give her time. Send her emails that are welcoming but not demanding. Tell her about her extended family; stories about yourself - now and growing up. Unless she tells you to stop emailing her, keep writing. I think sometimes adoptees have difficulty trusting their birth parents because they feel the parents abandoned them originally and don't know if they will stay this time. Some adoptees will cut off communication because they fear the parent will do so, so they end it on their terms. Unfortunately there is no precise timeline for any of this. She may come back soon or not for years. I encourage you to keep the door open. I understand the "secret" part. While my husband and family knew about my son (I told my children when they were teenagers), it was not something I shared with many people. Since our reunion it is out in the open although it's still difficult for me to talk about it with some people because I don't know how they will respond. Do you have someone in your life that you can share the news with? Her existence is not something you've been hiding - you didn't know about it. Conversations here can be helpful, but it's probably even more helpful if you can talk to some one in "real life." Blessings, Kathy

August 11, and nothing new to report. I think I will send a check in e-mail, and see if any response....

January 1, 2020, starting a new year. I have sent a few e-mails, even a christmas card via e-mail, but no response. I always say, "I am there if you ever want to reach out" so either the e-mails, and getting spammed, totally ignored, or just not sure. At least I have not gotten an e-mail back to say stop?!?