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I hope that some of my perspective might be able to help. I’m not fully adopted, but I didn’t find out until I was an adult that the man who raised me wasn’t my biological father. My parents still are vehement that I was not supposed to find out and have not been very supportive of any choices I made to dig out the truth of my paternity and the circumstances surrounding it.
The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that my parents are also human beings. They were once children also. They had parents who made bad choices and suffered from physical and emotional abuse, like many others do. All of the circumstances that resulted in my mother’s pregnancy and their life-long secret are a direct result of their experiences and lives to that point. Having sympathy for and empathizing with aren’t the same thing. There are so many times that I ‘couldn’t imagine how this person made this decision’, but that is because I never walked in their shoes and had to live through their lives and was faced with a situation that will likely result in devastation no matter the path.
I hope that helps.