Advice on communicating with my birthmother

Hi Sarah. In some ways my story is similar to yours. I was adopted at birth. My white parents were honest and told me I was adopted. They were dishonest in that they told me I was born white, but medication made my skin darker and my hair nappy. I can pass, so I didn't didn't argue much. But I never fit in. I wanted to find my birth parents, but Mom repeatedly forbid me from searching "until she was dead" I also worked to make a stable life. I felt comfortable enough with adoption that I adopted 2 biracial children. I told my kids they were adopted, and shared pictures of their biological parents. When my daughter was 12, she saw her birthmother on the news. Her birthmother was crying because her home was destroyed by fire. My daughter was worried about her homeless birthmother and went into a depression. So we arranged a meeting. When I witnessed the joy and relief the birthmother felt at seeing how our daughter was turning out, I realized my birthmother may be out there longing to know how I turned out. I decided to search for my birthmother for her sake, not mine.By this time my Mom was nearing the end of her life. Mom agreed to give me my adoption paperwork which had my birthmother's name. I found her the next day living just 20 miles away. She never married and had no other kids. Contacting my birthmother brought her more happiness than I could ever imagine. In one day she gained a son who is a doctor, a daughter-in-law, and two grandchildren. I understand how you feel. I have my own family, career, friends and obligations. My life is balanced, so I didn't want to lose that stability. Therefore I have established solid boundaries for this new relationship with my birthmother. We visit her occasionally, mostly birthdays and holidays. We talk by email or text about once a week. If your biological family wants a relationship with you, be clear that they must abide by your rules. I hope this helps you. SincerelyDr. Michael Bauer, bi-racial adoptee and adoptive father.