Seeking Guidance Regarding Adult Adoptee

Hi Rachel,As an adoptee, it means a lot just to know that someone is doing anything to understand my situation better. So tell him how you are trying to help him in the most loving and encouraging way you can. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone talk about something if they are not ready to admit feeling bothered by it. Up until recently, I denied my adoption had any effect on my life. I just wanted to be normal, and not the stereotypical girl. “Oh, she’s adopted?” No wonder she has problems. I’m working on not being ashamed of being adopted, but it takes time. And it stinks. You want to help your spouse now. You see this is obviously a problem, but time does go by quicker than I thought. I first started thinking adoption might have been the reason for so many of my life decisions 9 months ago, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it until now. It feels like only yesterday I was starting to consider this idea, but I needed all of that time to accept the pain adoption has had on my life.It makes it harder to consider that adoption was painful when your adoptive parents gave you a great childhood. It makes me feel like I am ungrateful for my adoptive parents, even though I know being adopted put me in a better situation than my biological parents could have given me. So I stuffed all of my feelings about adoption deep down and tried to be as normal as I could. And I pulled it off for a while. I could probably fool a therapist if I wanted to, too. Again, it’s about being willing to accept that part of you. Making someone go to therapy does not mean it will actually be therapeutic. I support encouraging therapy and not leaving people with any room for excuses to do therapy, but in the end, it is about how willing the person is to really engage in therapy and dig up the stuff that we have hidden deep down.I can confirm that I have anger issues. I am angry that my birth mother could look at a baby she just birthed and give it away. No matter the fact that it was best for me, it still hurts. Do not dismiss that pain. Do not try to sugar coat it. At least for me, I already know all the mushy gushy sunshine and rainbows perspective of adoption. “But you were chosen!” Etc. I get it. But I would rather you acknowledge my pain. And try to empathize as best you can.Ugg, I hurt for your spouse. That sounds really painful. Having a suspicion confirmed like the fact that he might have been aborted makes the pain 100x worse. You try to consider the what ifs and the worst-case scenario for things like that, but getting them confirmed is just another level of pain.I think you were right that if you kept this information that would have been more painful. It would have affected your relationship with him, and he wouldn’t want to feel like you hid things from him too like his birth parents did. Also, I applaud you for pushing through and finding his birth father. I would feel so loved if someone went to all the trouble for me to find my birth parents.Wow, those are such hard questions to be asking yourself. It hurts so much that he thinks he has to be a better version of himself for his birth family to love him.I agree I think it would be immeasurably painful to be rejected by my birth parents, but just remember your role in this. As long as you are by his side through it all and support him no matter what that will mean the world. Tell him that you are terrified. Share your feelings. This is just as much your story as it is his now. It will be way better to walk through this together than to mourn/grieve/etc in your own corners. The only way you can open up to each other about how you are feeling about this situation is if you both feel comfortable with each other to show all the emotions that this brings up. Out loud tell each other and encourage each other that you want to be able to express every emotion. And try your best to really show with your body language that you are okay when the other person cries. Don’t try to put up a brave face in front of each other. That will build walls. It is okay to fall apart. And it will be emotionally taxing. Make sure you don’t have any further obligations that will make you rush through everything. Take a nap afterwards. And tell each other how proud you are of each other for every step you take together and that you are in it together forever.I think your concerns are valid, so in the most loving way, reminding your spouse that you will be there no matter what, share why you think his birth father might not want to meet him.I hate therapy. It makes me feel broken for needing therapy, and I just want to be normal. It is like pushing a beach ball under the water, I can just push my pain down with my own strength for a time, but at some point, it will come out of the water. Will it fly out of the air when no one is expecting it, or will be gently float to the surface? Therapy should make it easier to float to the surface. I think I have been to 4 different therapists in the last year and each therapist helped me with what I needed at that time, but I wasn’t ready to really address my adoption until now. Finding the right therapist is its own battle. So don’t force it, just encourage.I hope this helps and let me know how things go! I wish the best for you and your spouse!