Birthfather seeking reunion advice

Originally Posted By Carol Bird, Birthfamily Issues Expert Support Forum (5 yrs +Dear Joe:I say to you what I say to the Birthmothers who write to me ... that is: we tend to forget that while the child we gave up for adoption has ALWAYS been a part of OUR lives, the child/adult has lived a completely different life, set apart from us. Oh, they want very much to know us and to have us in their lives in a fashion, but WE are not the center of THEIR universe.We all make mistakes during the early years of reunion. In our joy -- and desperate need to be "forgiven" -- we tend to "let it all hang out" and that's much too much, much too soon. It's tough being so far apart. I know! My daughter and granddaughters are in Michigan, while I live in Southeast Florida. Although I visited them a few times a year during the early years when my grandkids were babies and toddlers, age and lower income has curtailed the visits in recent years, and I've had to rely on THEM visiting me. So, since 1991 our visits have been their Annual trip to Florida and then usually only one day. But, we ARE close. We've weaved our own special ties via letters, videos, and more recently frequent e-mails. I've had a great relationship with my granddaughters, but I really can't say that my daughter's and my relationship is anything more than a still-unfolding friendship, and a strong affection (at least on my part). My daughter is still a little "stiff" with me, but I don't doubt her love and no longer feel "undeserving."Had you asked me in the beginning, I would have advised against EVER saying anything against her birthmother. While they may not be BONDED together, a birthmother is generally something very special to an adoptee. THEY can reject their b-mom and THEY can criticize ... but no one else is allowed that liberty. They don't want to hear that their birthdad was a skunk, either. They DO want to know WHO they are, what TALENTS they have, what HERITAGE they bring to her/him.Like a child of divorce, whose parents constantly attack one another, the reaction is often the opposite of what the attacking parent intends .. child begins to sympathize with the parent being attacked, withdrawing from the attacker. It is best to forget the past and start fresh.As for the gifts, phonecalls, cards, etc. I think sometimes the adult adoptee doesn't quite feel that parental tug with the birthparent, and perhaps now and then gets the urge to remind us that WE gave them up and it's the Adoptive Parent who is the "real" parent and who is to be honored for the parental role they played in the adoptees life. I gather from what you wrote that your daughter and you were not reunited till AFTER 28 years. My daughter and I reunited when she was 32! That was 13 years and two granddaughters ago. Her PARENTS are the wonderful couple who raised her, nurtured her and have loved her through thick and thin over the now 45 years of her life. Not the birthmom who she/he has known only for (in my case) 13 years. Boy, I had trouble accepting that reality during the earlier years. It took a lot of soul searching, reading and self examination before I woke up.Don't look for your daughter treating you like a Father, Joe!You AREN'T! Be happy to have what she's given you; be happy to KNOW her and her family, and accept the role she offers you. I realize that she was given up against your wishes ... but the fact is, she WAS given up, and she was raised by OTHER parents, not you.Try to create a special spot in her life. That's what I've been doing. Something apart from being "Parent," but closer than being "Friend." I'm lucky that I share the role of Grandma with my granddaughters' other Grandmas, and that my granddaughters have known and loved me all of their lives. That has helped in my relationship with my daughter. Of course, the fact that her parents are so supportive has helped tremendously, too.It isn't easy, but love isn't always moonlight and roses. Do some reading. There are many books that provide insight into the feelings of adoptees regarding birthparents and birthfamily members. There are excellent articles in this website's READING ROOM (go to HOME PAGE and surf the index).The "Book Shop" offers reviews of books that are available at your local book store and library, and you can gain a lot of insight and understanding from reading the posts in the various FORUMS and BOARDS.The more you understand about THE ADOPTEE'S feelings, the easier it will be for you to design a special role for yourself in their lives. I went into therapy (and continue). It has helped me understand not only my OWN feelings and attitudes, but also those of the other "players" in my life story. I don't think we EVER get rid of the guilt and remorse. It's a "done deed." We CAN create something new and special, though.The less we expect, the more we enjoy what we get.Hugs, CAROL

I'm a reuntied adult adoptee, I met my birthfather a little more than a year ago. I really had no idea that b-fathers felt the same types of emotions that b-mothers do, My reunion with my b-dad is basically non existant, partly because of our distance, (we live nearly 12 hrs apart) and partly because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. He doesn't call me all that much, sometimes I don't hear a word from him in months and just when I give up on him, he shows up at my doorstep. I wanted very badly to get to know him as my dad and for him to accept me as his daughter, but these relationships are so character testing and emotional plus there always seems to be so many people involved that it makes it tough to try and get to know each other 1 on 1, I think of him on his birthday and Christmas and stuff but sometimes I feel like it's not my place to send him things or to call him to let him know I remembered, I have always had a place in my heart for him and I always will, there are times when I get so angry because I think he doesn't care about my feelings or remember me on my birthday or special occasions that I could just explode like a 5 year old spoiled brat, I've shed a lot of tears in this reunion and had to face a lot of issues that I didn't know were there, but as upset as I get with him sometimes it all melts away when I see him and I feel no resentment towards him, there isn't a lot of information out there on birht dad's feelings and it's tough to try to understand what they might be thinking or feeling, I wish that more birth fathers would come forward and speak out about there hopes and fears because men are human to and need to stop hiding their emotions from everyone all the time, it's not healthy, I think that speaking out would help everyone involved in the triead, I'm tired of seeing the b-dads being forgotten as if they don't matter, they should be included in everything just as much as the b-moms are.

In two years my son will be 21 and I can legally search for him. So I can not give any advice. But I can thank you for sharing so I can learn. And Claudia as a birth-father I share your concerns burden that we seem have brought upon ourselves as a gender and hope that perhaps this is changing as we learn that at a species we can reach greater heights when there is equality .

Wow is it good to here something from you bfathers! I have been searching for something from a bfather to give me some insight into my own bfather reunion experience. We have been reunited for almost 1 1/2 years now and I still have such intense emotion about him that I am afraid that I overwhelm him or give him more than what he really wants. He says that he shares his feelings but when he does they are all too perfect to be true. Than there are the breaks in communication (especially after I see him in person) and the forgotten bdays etc. I have given him a gift on every possible occasion and have even watched him give his grandson by my sibliing who grew up with him something but not my daughters (his granddaughters). He never knew that I was born but when I made contact told me everything an adoptee could hope to hear. He expressed so much love and support--I was extatic. But it seems like I carry the weight of the relationship in everyway and know that he has feelings that he will not express. I think that he does not want to hurt my feelings by saying what he really feels. I hope that he feels the way you bfathers feel. You guys are incredible and I know your daughter just doesn't know how to express everything she feels--my advice is to not give up. ALL DAUGHTERS NEED FATHERS!!

Joe, Don't feel bad or guilty about the so-called bad start. I did the same thing as you when I searched and found my bdaughter in 1999, she was 35 yrs old. We spill our guts because we feel guilty and ashamed, trying to explain everything, but it is so overwhelming for our birthchildren, we just didn't know it at the beginning. I think the reunion process, is a total learning experience on both sides, intimate strangers, so to speak. Don't keep fretting over what you think are your mistakes at the beginning of the reunion, just work on what you have today. Hey, you have both kept in contact this long, something must be working, right? Chris

Not sure how all of this works. I am a birth father that just found out that I have a 22 almost 23 year old daughter. The reality is that I was told nothing from her birth mother at the time. I was told anything from, it’s been terminated to, there’s nothing you need to worry about, it’s been taken care of. I moved 3000 miles away at the time and had no way to verify or follow up, so it’s basically sat in the back, deep crevices of my mind. We received AncestryDNA kits and did them in February. Last weekend we received results. I have two daughters with my wife of whom I’ve been married 20 years. They both came up as my daughters. But, there was another woman on there. I sent her an email through ancestry to see if she would be willing to discuss and figure this out. I had no idea that my ex had the baby let alone put it up for adoption. The girl told me she was adopted, so we began exchanging emails. I asked when and where she was born, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Every emotion hit me all at once.Now, a little background on me. I was in the military, but in no shape to be a helpful human to anyone. I had a lot of personal demons and a lot of anger at the world for the way I was raised. After leaving the military, I had a lot of growing up to do. I met a wonderful woman that helped me through my transition. As I mentioned we have been married 20 years now. I am a successful engineer now and she is a social worker. We have 2 daughters that mean the world to us.Now, if you want to know about my emotions and feelings, here’s where they are. I was hit with anything from anger to sadness to pure joy, all at once. I was angry that I never knew, I was sad that I missed 22 years of her life, I was so happy to know that I had another daughter. I was angry that it was because I couldn’t grow up on demand and this was a cause. I was sad and embarrassed that I dont know who she is. I was so happy that I could possibly make up for a wrong.I’m also at a great point in life now and at an age that I can rationalize a bit and know that I will never attempt to replace her parents. The speed and the relationship that we may build will be up to her. I also know the burden of proof is up to me. I am a complete stranger to her. While I have a strong moral and instinctual connection to her, it probably isn’t the same on the other side. I’m also scared that she may not want a life long relationship. I have devoted my life to being a parent. A great parent, so it honestly would break my heart if she just didn’t want to continue down this path of discovery and reconciliation but, would have to live with it. As a birth father in this case, I wasn’t given the choice outright, but I had a choice to stay. Maybe things would be worse? Better? Who knows. All I can do is move forward and work on the present and future. Those are some of my emotions and feelings. Birth fathers can also be good people.