how do I tell my child he's adopted?

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that he will find out eventually and the longer you wait the harder it will be. I found out that my parents adopted me when I was 21 and I know that the way I feel about it would be different if I had grown up knowing the truth. I don't resent my parents for not telling me but I do feel like my entire life has been "marked" by the secret that I didn't know. I think you should tell him early, tell him soon because being scared now is nothing compared to how you'll feel years from now when he does find out somehow. (To give you an example, my dad finally told me and when my mom found out I knew she didn't speak to him for weeks - she wasn't scared she was angry because she didn't want to tell me) Anyway, like I said, I can't tell you what to do, but I think it's best that he knows the truth about himself sooner than later.

I would highly recommend the book 20 Things Adopted Kids Want Their Adoptive Parents to Know by Sherrie Eldridge. It seems to me from reading this book and The Primal Wound that your son already knows he is different from other kids. This book gives some specific ideas on how to talk about adoption and how to encourage the feelings and flow of communication. It may also help you understand your role as adoptive parent and not be threatened or undermined by the fact that he really has two sets of parents. I would select a few close friends and of course family to start talking about adoption with, even in front of your son. When you see a pregnant woman, tell him that there is a baby in her tummy. Then you can sit him down sometime and explain that he did not grow in your tummy but in someone else's. Then you can say that he is adopted, and adopted means that he grew in someone else's tummy. At this point I'd leave it alone and let the questions come as they may. I think I made the mistake of telling too many people that my kids were adopted. I didn't want them to be ashamed or think it was a big secret. However, I'm beginning now to realize that it is private information that belongs to the child. I face this every day as my daughter is very striking, and obviously doesn't look like me. Hope this helps - I think you will benefit with a little research and keeping your eyes open to what your son will ask, which you are already doing! Jane

Dear Maria, I am a 27 year old adoptee. I am writing to let you know how my adoptive parents approached the subject of telling me. As with any child, adopted or not, they need age appropriate information. You said that your child is 3 and has not yet started asking about where babies come from. I believe that most children do start getting curious about this around 4 or 5 years old. Especially if they have siblings. When I was very young, my mother told me that I was her daughter. She explained that babies come from mommies tummies. Then she told me that even though I was her daughter, I came from another mommies tummy. As I grew up, she gave me more and more information to explain why and how I ended up coming from another person, but belonging to her. I know that just reading this, it may sound like a ridiculous thing to say to a child. But, I just wanted to let you know, this is how I found out. I never felt weird or different from other children. Trust your instincts. I think the most important thing is make sure you talk with any family members that have a lot of interaction with your son. Make sure he doesn't end up getting conflicting information. Hope this helps, Susan

I would not wait another minute to tell your child that he is adopted. IMO......adoption should be told right off the bat.....and should be talked about often. Adoption should be told to this child as if it were the most precious thing ever.....and it is. We have six children. Waiting for the call for the seventh. We have only three children who live at home now. These children do NOT look alike by any means; but when one asks (because one quite definately doesn't look like me), 'is this child adopted'? I answer......"OH yes! All of our children are adopted!!!" I want my kids to know that we are as proud as any birth parents could be.....we are naturally comfortable with adoption....and that is is as "natural" as giving birth!!!!! I don't believe in the idea that adoption should be 'secret'....and I find that all of the horror stories I read about 'adopted children not feeling complete' are from families that did not tell their children they were adopted, or handled adoption in such a secretive way, that the kids grew up thinking they were different and 'a second choice'. (Hope I don't make anyone mad, but this has been our experience.) I have two grown children....different 'races' ('' "used for who on earth knows all of their 'race')....who get really uptight when people ask them "What about your REAL parents?????!!!" They reply, "Our parents ARE are REAL parents!!!!" They don't have 'search issues' (even though we fully support them doing this as adults), and they don't have that 'oh, we are so different because we were adopted and didn't get to grow up in our birth country'. Gotta say that I think the reason may be that we told them they were adopted and talked about it all their lives, that their birthparents loved them enough to find different homes, that adoption is 'first rate' and something to be extremely proud of. (And no, we didn't have open adoptions; though one son, by his adoption, has all names, addresses of everyone and chooses not to search..despite our encouragement). I'd sit your little one down and say, "Honey, we need to tell you something very, very important. We want you to know that some children begin with one birthmom and then have new parents for their lives. I'd tell him that even Christ was adopted by his earthly father, that Moses was adopted, etc. I wouldn't get into that 'two parents raising him thing", because I don't believe this. I'd explain that his birthparents are important, because w/o their plans and love to 'see him into the world', he wouldn't be here. (And some of this is probably too high over his head now, but you'll know where to stop.) Adoption has far too long been handled as 'second rate' by this society. It is another way of making a family, it isn't a momma raising a baby for someone else. It's someone making a huge sacrificeand love for the concern of their baby; And the love of an adoptive couple to raise that child. No child 'belongs' to someone else.....blood or otherwise. It is the sacrifice, love and nurturing that attributes to a loving individual I would not make the discussion one of 'she (bm) had, so now, we have'. Make it, "this is YOUR story, honey....and it's a WONDERFUL story....not like ANYONE else's story. He has 'more people in his story' perhaps.....but none of them is any 'better' than the other. They were/are all concerned about him being a wonderful person. Whew! I know this is long....but it knocks right on my heart. Sincerely, Linny

Hello, I have been touched by your opinions and advices,and I'm really grateful for them. I'd better start gathering all the information now, so I can talk to him as soon as possible. Our child is the most important thing in our lives,and we're happy he's adopted,I think it's a wonderful thing.I sure don't want my boy to grow up in secrecy and then finding out that we decieved him. I think I've understood that the sooner he knows it the better. So I'll be gathering all the information to find just the right time and way to tell him. Thank you and I'll let you know how it goes. Maria.

Marie, I just wanted to let you know that you are a very caring mother. I am sure that you will find the best way to handle telling your son. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Susan

Hi Maria, The approach Susan shared is pretty much the way we've handled the situation with our son. He's Russian - 4 1/2 now - and we've always talked about him being born in Russia and "being a strong Russian boy" (That's funnier if you say it with a Russian accent. ;) ) We make his heritage a prominent topic when appropriate. When he was 3 he made a comment one night about coming from my tummy. Some of his classmates at school had recently enjoyed the arrival of new siblings, so he kinda had a rough idea of the way things work. So I just matter-of-factly corrected him by telling him he came from another lady's tummy but God told his Dad and I to come to Russia and bring him home because he was meant to be with us, much the same as his Dad and I chose each other. We went back and forth a little on that. He was confused a little, but 3-year-olds don't usually spend an enormous amount of time dwelling on things. We have since had conversations about how sometimes ladies who have babies can't keep them and God chooses other parents for them. And we have often talked about returning to Russia to find our "Luke," who will be his younger brother. He'll be old enough next year when we go to understand what's going on to some extent since we intend for him to be an active participant in the process. We have recently used the term "adopted" more in our conversations. Previously, we used terms like chosen or said God chose us all to be together. (It helps that we truly believe that. We used the term adoption intermittantly, but it was not our preferred description because it entailed more of a legal explanation he wasn't quite ready for.) He also has seen the 4-minute video we reveived as part of his referral several times. We talk about the nurse holding him and the voice in the background is our friend Anatoli whom God asked to help us find him. But I want him to be prepared to answer questions from his peers and not feel like it's anything other than the miracle it is - but not something unique. A friend told her 9-year-old daughter who was adopted and complained of classmates asking what she deemed intrusive questions: "Honey, they're just curious. It's along the same lines as if you were born a twin or a triplet. It's just different from their experience, different from what they know." I thought that was a great explanation for a 9-year-old. Age appropriateness is the key to his successful understanding of his life story. Good luck and God's blessings.

I am an adoptive mom of 2 boys who are bio brothers. Our oldest son is 23mths and our little guy is 7mths. We were there for both their births! We have a semi-open adoption meaning we send pics every three months for the first year. From the moment my oldest son was born I told him about his birth story. I am fortunate enough to have been there for their births so I have all the details that they will ever need to know. I read them the book "Tell me again about the night I was born" by Jamie Lee Curtis. It is a wonderful book that tells the story of one little girls adoption/birth story! Every night as I am putting them to bed I tell them how much I love them and How very blessed we are to have found each other. I tell them how very lucky I am that God chose me to be his mommy! Then I tell them my little strory about how when mommies have babies in their bellies God always peeks in to make sure everything is ok and sometimes he says uh-oh this baby is with the wrong mommy and as soon as that baby is born God makes sure that baby goes home with the mommy he/she was meant to have. This is of course a story for a baby and as they get older they will start asking more questions and I will answer those questions. I have educated my friends and family who are very close to me that if my boys come to them with questions be open and honest and only answer what they ask. I don't want to over whelm them. I also put together a time capsule for them from their birth. I have the braclets they wore on their arm with there Bmothers name on it. I have the card that went on their incubators (My oldest was jaundice and my youngest was very sick so they spent some time in an incubator) that has bmothers info on it. I also have pics of their bmom holding them in the hospital as well as pics of their paternal grandmother. I have copies of all the letters I've been sending their bmom as well as copies of the pics I attached. I will give this to them when I feel they are ready for it. They are very fortunate that if and when they choose to search I have all they need to do it. THey won't have to look very hard. THey won't have missing info about their birth or about their birth parents because I was there for their birth and have met both thier bparents and have a great relationship with bmom. I don't get to see her or talk to her due to personal problems on her part but in every letter I'm sorry that I went on and on my point is prepare now for the future. start telling him now by simply telling him about his birth/adoption story. I highly reccomend the Jamie Lee Curtis book and let him come to you with the questions. I hope I 've helped and I'm sorry I rambled! Good Luck!

Your son is only 3 years old. When he does start to ask you about the where and why's and the how's. But you need to tell him how babys come into the world first by telling him the story of when God talked to the verin Mary. That is a good start. Then later when he ask you about himself thats when you make sure he knows you wanted him and you love him. Gently you can then tell him about his birth mother and all that you know of her and why she gave him up. Just remember that all children needs to know who the woman is who brought them into the world. Always give him the loving care and happy home he needs. He will always love you back for giving him that happy life you provided him with. There will come a time that he will want to know his birth mother. Thats alright! Give him that chance by helping him find her. Dont worry about losing him because you wont. He will always love you because you are the only mother he has ever known. He just has two moms:-) By the time he is ready to find her which will probably be when he's in his teen years or older. I hope this has helped you. My email is maryjb830@cs.com I would like to hear from you. Good Luck and God Bless you. Mary

How do you tell him? I think the worst possible thing you could do is sit him down and say "Well son, now that you're four, I want to try to explain the subtleties of adoption, and your origins. I think that to try and involve religion in it could make it that much more difficult for the little guy to understand. My parents brought me home from the hospital at 4 days old, and took plenty of pictures, not just of me, but also of the people who were close to them, whom they wanted to meet me. Later, they took pictures at a shower my mother's friends gave for her, and me. They also took pictures when they went before the judge for the final step in their adoption of me shortly after I was one. Whether they intended for the pictures to have signifance for me, or not, they did... They were photos of smiling friends and family holding me and caring about me. As I think all children do, I loved to get out the family albums and snapshots, and when I did, I always had plenty of questions about me: the baby and small boy in the picture. My parents always seemed to use this time as an opportunity to express to me how important and loved I was, not just by them, but all the other people in the pictures. As I grew, my parents never tried to hide the fact that I was adopted, but did not advertise it either. If it was a relevant topic amongs their friends, it was discussed, and if it wasn't relevant, it didn't come up, because why should it? As I aged and became more self-aware, my questions about my origins and birth became more in-depth, and the answers my parents gave me became more in-depth; in this way, I wasn't flooded with incomprehisible facts, but was allowed to explore the meanings and issues as I became mentally capable of understanding them. It's just my opinion, but I don't think it could have been presented to me in a more successful way. One last thing, and this is just my opinion... Feel free to agree or disagree: I wish that well-intentioned aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, well-wishers, and sometimes even adoptive-parents would stop telling adoptive children: "You know, adopted children are more special because they were chosen." I appreciate that my parents adopted me, that they had love to give to a child, and that I was that child. However, that whole "more special because they were chosen" statement seems to imply that I had better consider myself awfully lucky that my parents picked me out of all the other abandoned puppies down at the animal shelter... Or that they might have bought a new car that day, or new carpet, or a nice chuck-roast, but aren't I lucky that they adopted me instead? I think the statement is demeaning to both the adopted child, and the adopted parent. It rather harshly dismisses the child's identity as their own person, as well as discounts the blood, sweat and tears that the adoptive parents experience in deciding to adopt, and then during the wait for a child.

We put together a book for my son about everything we new about his birth family and his move from Romania to here and his first adoptive mother finding us to take him. We wrote it in childrens terms. He loves it. He tells everybody its all about him, mommy and his brothers. As he gets older and asks more questions, we'll add more info. There are also a lot of children's books about adoption you could read to him to help start a conversation about him.

the sooner the better even tho they are really young. my parents told me and i've appreciated the knowing all my life. if you wait till they're older they could turn against you. go for it, let them know you picked them special. my parents also had books for children to read about adopting, try to find some. mom tossed mine. les

Hi, I need a little help, I have just told my 12 year that her father wasn't really her dad. He has been with me and her since she was 2 months old and adopted her when she was a year old. we really had to tell her due to other parents tell their children and me beening afraid that they would tell her. This has turned her world up side down. She said that she didnt want to know. I really just dont know what to say other than I have lied to you only to protect you. You were 21 you said and it affected you. Do you have any advice for me on what I can say to her? My husband loves her dearly. we have together a 10 year old. I just need some advice. She is so hurt and really dont know who she is right now. should I have waited? Thank You, Teresa