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Adult adoptees made a list for those who have adopted. This list isn't for debate just honest heartfelt advice from many who lived it. The main theme is openess, honesty and what is best for the child.
- Understand that even though they are happy to have a new family and feel loved, it still doesn't take away the initial grief they feel about losing their families. Even if their mothers were awful people, it hurts a lot to know your own mom couldn't step up to the plate and be a proper parent. So don't ever make them feel like they can't talk about it, can't grieve what they lost, or that they should feel guilty for doing so in order to spare you some discomfort. You are here to be their parent, and part of that role is to help them overcome their struggles - not vice versa
- Never expect gratitude. No one asks to be born.Your emotional support will prepare this child better for adult life than your financial support, in fact, you can not spend this child's emotional hardships away.
You are the adult, you need to stretch to understand this child, do not expect this child to stretch or to bend to you as a child does not yet have the intellect or emotional wherewithal to do so. If this child ever decides to search for their birthfamily, stay out of it. Do not have an opinion on it. They share because they love you, but it is none of your business.
- Don't invalidate their feelings. Listen to what they say. If you have information, give it to your child. And just because they aren't talking about their adoption with you doesn't mean that they aren't thinking about it.
- Don't adopt because you expect to be viewed as a saint. Don't adopt to save a child. adopt because you want to adopt, don't just adopt because you can't have kids of your own.
Adopting a child is like marrying a guy with two kids, He always has a family and always will. They were there first they will always be first and you will have to learn to live together and you will never have your own way or win without hurting that which you love dearly.
- 1. The child you adopt has been severely hurt and you can not fix it.
2. The child needs you to help him/her in several ways:
a) understanding his/her feelings about adoption.
b) coping with fundamental losses.
c) your child feels abandoned - you can't change this and must help them through it.
d) actively gather, protect and share all information about his/her birth family.
e) whenever possible maintain contact with the birth family. The circumstances of the birth family are not important - do it.
3. Task 2 is never completed. It has to be done over and over. These will be life long issues for your child.
4. Your child will not be like you. Get over it. Accept them for who they are.
- #1 Do not confuse a willingness to discuss the issues or openness with being able to give real answers. They are very different.
#2 No matter how open you think you are, no matter how many things your adoptee questions or trusts you with, there will be things that the adoptee will never tell you, never reveal.
- I would advise you to prepare for a rough ride and to stuff your own wants and needs firmly away, because it is not about YOU. Your mission in life is now to try and make someone else feel happy and secure, whatever it takes - you are a PARENT.
- Absolutely do not discredit the opinions and experiences of adoptees, even when those opinions differ wildly from those of the APs or PAPs. Those people they love to call bitter are in the best position to understand and explain what the children these people are trying to adopt will feel, now and in the future. In fact, they should be seeking out the opinions o
- You are the trustees of our personal information. It does not belong to you to decide what, if anything, you want to share with us. It is your responsibility to collect complete & accurate information about us, our families & our backgrounds during the entire process. Then you are morally obligated to ensure that we know every detail you know as we are growing up, certainly all facts should be in our possession no later than the time we turn 18, whether we ask for it or not. Secrecy & lies are not healthy! Do not change our names or our birth certificates if at all possible. Don't try to pretend that adoptive families are like any other family. They're not. Most of all, adoption is not a service for YOU. It's really not about you. It's a service for US. Put us first. Adoptive parents should be held to a higher standard.
- Don't make your adopted children responsible for your happiness!! They are not possessions to be used to fill a void in your life!!Finally, we are people who will grow up to be adults. At that time, we have opinions that may differ than yours. Our experience in life was not yours, it was ours, and we are entitled to it. We are entitled to search, be happy or sad about what we find, have relationships with our birth families if that's how it ends up!!
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littlewanderer
Adult adoptees made a list for those who have adopted. This list isn't for debate just honest heartfelt advice from many who lived it. The main theme is openess, honesty and what is best for the child.
- Understand that even though they are happy to have a new family and feel loved, it still doesn't take away the initial grief they feel about losing their families. Even if their mothers were awful people, it hurts a lot to know your own mom couldn't step up to the plate and be a proper parent. So don't ever make them feel like they can't talk about it, can't grieve what they lost, or that they should feel guilty for doing so in order to spare you some discomfort. You are here to be their parent, and part of that role is to help them overcome their struggles - not vice versa
- Never expect gratitude. No one asks to be born.Your emotional support will prepare this child better for adult life than your financial support, in fact, you can not spend this child's emotional hardships away.
You are the adult, you need to stretch to understand this child, do not expect this child to stretch or to bend to you as a child does not yet have the intellect or emotional wherewithal to do so. If this child ever decides to search for their birthfamily, stay out of it. Do not have an opinion on it. They share because they love you, but it is none of your business.
- Don't invalidate their feelings. Listen to what they say. If you have information, give it to your child. And just because they aren't talking about their adoption with you doesn't mean that they aren't thinking about it.
- Don't adopt because you expect to be viewed as a saint. Don't adopt to save a child. adopt because you want to adopt, don't just adopt because you can't have kids of your own.
Adopting a child is like marrying a guy with two kids, He always has a family and always will. They were there first they will always be first and you will have to learn to live together and you will never have your own way or win without hurting that which you love dearly.
- 1. The child you adopt has been severely hurt and you can not fix it.
2. The child needs you to help him/her in several ways:
a) understanding his/her feelings about adoption.
b) coping with fundamental losses.
c) your child feels abandoned - you can't change this and must help them through it.
d) actively gather, protect and share all information about his/her birth family.
e) whenever possible maintain contact with the birth family. The circumstances of the birth family are not important - do it.
3. Task 2 is never completed. It has to be done over and over. These will be life long issues for your child.
4. Your child will not be like you. Get over it. Accept them for who they are.
- #1 Do not confuse a willingness to discuss the issues or openness with being able to give real answers. They are very different.
#2 No matter how open you think you are, no matter how many things your adoptee questions or trusts you with, there will be things that the adoptee will never tell you, never reveal.
- I would advise you to prepare for a rough ride and to stuff your own wants and needs firmly away, because it is not about YOU. Your mission in life is now to try and make someone else feel happy and secure, whatever it takes - you are a PARENT.
- Absolutely do not discredit the opinions and experiences of adoptees, even when those opinions differ wildly from those of the APs or PAPs. Those people they love to call bitter are in the best position to understand and explain what the children these people are trying to adopt will feel, now and in the future. In fact, they should be seeking out the opinions o
- You are the trustees of our personal information. It does not belong to you to decide what, if anything, you want to share with us. It is your responsibility to collect complete & accurate information about us, our families & our backgrounds during the entire process. Then you are morally obligated to ensure that we know every detail you know as we are growing up, certainly all facts should be in our possession no later than the time we turn 18, whether we ask for it or not. Secrecy & lies are not healthy! Do not change our names or our birth certificates if at all possible. Don't try to pretend that adoptive families are like any other family. They're not. Most of all, adoption is not a service for YOU. It's really not about you. It's a service for US. Put us first. Adoptive parents should be held to a higher standard.
- Don't make your adopted children responsible for your happiness!! They are not possessions to be used to fill a void in your life!!Finally, we are people who will grow up to be adults. At that time, we have opinions that may differ than yours. Our experience in life was not yours, it was ours, and we are entitled to it. We are entitled to search, be happy or sad about what we find, have relationships with our birth families if that's how it ends up!!
I am an adoptee and I agree with everything there... I wish my a'rents had read this post upon adopting... but in terms of my reuniting with birthfamily they handled it perfectly: They set up my face to face with my bmom only after I expressed a firm interest, and have since stepped aside, no manipulation or telling me how to handle things, just 100% support and encouragement. I believe their biggest mistakes were not telling me I was adopted til I found out on my own, and also they raised me as though I was their biological child, which caused them and me many problems going through my teens. So "4. Your child will not be like you. Get over it. Accept them for who they are." struck me as a good remark. That includes not just physical differences, but personality differences as well - a whole new and sometimes conflicting, nature.
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littlewanderer
- You are the trustees of our personal information. It does not belong to you to decide what, if anything, you want to share with us. It is your responsibility to collect complete & accurate information about us, our families & our backgrounds during the entire process. Then you are morally obligated to ensure that we know every detail you know as we are growing up, certainly all facts should be in our possession no later than the time we turn 18, whether we ask for it or not. Secrecy & lies are not healthy! Do not change our names or our birth certificates if at all possible...
Finally, we are people who will grow up to be adults. At that time, we have opinions that may differ than yours. Our experience in life was not yours, it was ours, and we are entitled to it. We are entitled to search, be happy or sad about what we find, have relationships with our birth families if that's how it ends up!!
[FONT="Century Gothic"]Although I'm not "fully" adopted, the above statements struck a chord with me.
My mom was married, got pregnant, lied to my bfather about the pregnancy not being his, left him and ran off with the man she married just before I was born. That man's name was put on my birth certificate, and he raised me. I never felt a connection with his side of the family, always felt like something was "wrong" and I just didn't see how I could possibly be related to these people. Nobody told me the truth, but everyone knew it. I found out at 35 by finding a picture (oh, sloppy destruction of your past, mom) and having my aunt tell me that was my biological father.
The hurt, betrayal, and knowledge that my history was not fully my history was, and is still, a very hard thing to deal with. When I confronted my mom with the picture, she told me some b.s. (I know she was lying), and then GAVE ME THE WRONG NAME OF MY BFATHER!!!! :grr: Searching for a person without full information made me look like a fool (shame on you mom!); I mean, really, you were MARRIED to the man! Surely you knew his full name and that he went by his middle name. There are so many, many times that the truth could have come out and made certain things in my life make more sense.
So, venting aside, it is really important for kids to know their history: good and/or bad. It's THEIR story.
Thank you for the post, littlewanderer. [/FONT]
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A lot of this could apply to foster parents as well. In class (my 7th of 8 PRIDE classes) last night, I actually heard an afather, tell the class: if you are looking to foster care to build your family, choose an older child, because they are so grateful for a family, they just adore family time".
Um really? ALL foster kids feel GRATEFUL? My stomach turned, but could understand why he thought he was being sweet and making a good point. Just a really cruddy way of saying "take a chance on the older kids, they need families too!".
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Like another poster said... Thanks, I will make a copy and keep it.
I know some of my friends (other AP's too) and family have often thought my actions crazy. I've always tried to think how I might feel in my DD's situation. This list helps remind me!
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