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I have two children 10 and 8 from my first marriage which ended in 1997. I recently remarried, 3/2002 and my new husband wants to adopt my children. Their biological father was reduced to supervised visitations in 2/2000 because of molesting my daughter then 4 years old, which he wasn't ever convicted on because he refused to go for any testing the courts ordered to prove the innocence he proclaimed. That in itself made several believe he was guilty of claim against him by his child. He has never exercised those visitation rights because the supervisors the judge named are my relatives and he didn't want to be supervised by my family. He pays child support which I stopped receiving 9/2002 because he fell into a coma and was hospitalized. He is now in a nursing home, I suspect in a vegetable state, but suddenly someone has caught up the child support. With him in this condition is there a law that would allow us to have his parental rights stripped so as my husband could adopt the kids, or since someone has caught up the child support are we just stuck til the man dies, which could be years.
The children want their step father to adopt them too, he has been much more of a daddy to them in the short time we have been together than their biological dad ever was. We live in Oklahoma if that makes any difference on the laws.
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I don't know if (morally) it'd be right to change things the way they are.... does ex-hubby's family see the children? If it's just you and new hubby with the kids anyway, maybe it would be a good idea (just as not to cause waves) to leave things "as is" for now.....
My husband is not my oldest son's *father-father*, but you'd never know it...... his biological father lives very far away, and just didn't have that much to do with him... so in all sense of the word, my husband is daddy.....
I don't know, I guess just to me, if he's not able to contest the adoption anyway.... and he's not interfering in your lives.... I'd just leave the adoption plans for now - it just kind of sounds a bit morbid (do they even know why he lapsed into a coma?? was it a surprise or was he in an accident??) Your kids know that you new husband is their dad in the sense that he's there when they cry, he's at soccer games, he's at school concerts, he's signing the report cards, he's putting bandaids on "owies", etc etc etc... they ARE old enough to understand that those are the reasons someone is a good dad, not just thanks to biology...... good luck...
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Unicornlover, I have to say I agree with Evansmum. (as usual) If there is no threat that your family will be broken up, why worry? I was terrified that I would die and my 3 oldest would have to go live with their father, taking them away from their 2 youngest siblings. My primary concern would be who would get custody in the event something happened to you. I am sure the courts would take that very seriously. Your husband is their daddy, and perhaps you can assign him as guardian in the event of your death. I don't know, but tons of lawyers do free phone consultations. I have sometimes called 5 or 6 and determined the truth from that! Also consider, (and I don't mean to sound cold, just practical) that your kids may be eligible for benifits from their sick dad. Social Security or whatever. If you can KNOW they are safe with your husband, look into the practical stuff. I know it seems like a long time from now, but time goes soooo fast, they will be adults before you know it. All 3 of mine got adopted as they turned 18 and were able to request it themselves. At first we were just going to change names, but they really wanted to honor their "dad". They are no longet "heirs" to their b-dad. but he went on to have 4 more kids, (so far) and simply seemed to forget the first 3. And now they are the legal siblings to my younger 2, binding the family. I LOVE us allhaving the same name! Plus, my husband is from New Zealand, and they have some rights there now too! I hope you get all the info you need, good luck! Debi
Unicornlover, I am currently going through a step-parent adoption with my 5yr old daughter, and I am so glad that it is finally being done. My ex was not a good father and made it known that he was bitter about our split and my re-marriage, and a lot of other things. This bitterness made things very difficult with visitation and any other forms of commumication. Well when he was killed a year ago, I felt no great loss and my husband stepped in as a full time, 100% father, which he loves being! My daughter knows that he is her daddy and knows that he loves her, but the main thing that we think about is the fact that her last name is different. She notices it, and her teachers have been having to tell her to stop referring to herself as having the same last name as my husband and me. She wants the adoption to go through as much as we do. Also, because we are getting ready to adopt her a little brother, we don't want her to feel even more left out by being the only person in the family with a different last name. I know that sounds like I'm making light of the situation, but these little things matter to a child as much, if not more than they do to us.
I think it would be the best for your children if you were to go ahead and proceed with the step-parent adoption and terminate your ex's parental rights. I know it sounds cruel, but after his past behavior and current state of physical health, he doesn't sound like much of a father in the first place. If someone caught up with the past due child support, then good for them, but so what? His current state does not overide his past misconduct. Your children deserve to feel a part of your family and they should have the same last name as you, your husband and any other children you may have. Go ahead and do what your heart tells you to do. And think about what your children want. They are old enough to make that kind of decision themselves now.