Aunt or Uncle to a BirthParent

Hi Sabra, I am a bmom from 1969 (closed adoption) in reunion with my daughter who is 32 yrs old. We have been in reunion for 2 years now. Our reunion is going well, but the sibling issue is a funny one. A little history--I did not marry the bdad. I married about 2 years after her birth and had three more children, daughter 30, son 25 and daughter 21. I never told my children of their half sister until she found me, so it was quite a shock to them. My oldest daughter has had the hardest time with the news. She refuses to talk about her or discuss what bothers her. I finally began to relate it to a two year old and jeaulosy. Things have gotten a little better and she went to visit her at her home which I thought was a big step. The other two seem to be ok with it. The problem is my 30 yr old daughter will not willing discuss her half sister with me and basicly freezes me when I try to talk about her or the grandchildren. I am at a loss as to what she is feeling. She is not married nor does she have children which I think is part of the problem. Any thoughts from other birth siblings who have been there would be helpful. Thanks, Janet

Hi Janet: Great to hear from you. How very special that you have been able to reunite with your first born daughter! Truly wonderful. There are several things that may be going on at once in your situation. Depending on what a person holds near and dear to them in their own heart will affect their reactions. Also temperament, life experiences and many other factors contribute to how well a person will do in a situation like your second born daughter is now experiencing. It makes sense and is not uncommon for the reunion to affect her more than the other children you have raised. After all how much time has she really had to get used to the idea that she is not the oldest? It may be helpful to look at the situation through your now second born daughter's eyes. Try to ask yourself what you know about your daughter? It is interesting how birth order can affect us. It is part of who we are. It may not seem that we attribute who we are by our birth order however it can affect some of us even without us knowing. We all have a role in our family. A first born daughter has a very special role. A role that your dear daughter has known all her life. Some may say if you had a son that was relinquished this may not have affected your daughter as much as she would still retain her special role as first born daughter. Then with others it could be the fact that she is no longer first born which might affect her even if you did have a son. There are variables. It depends on the person. Some women would love to have an older sister. Others are so comfortable being an oldest sister that they have never really thought differently. She is probably a wonderful big sister and even if she does not think this would affect her for many it would. She may not know what is going on and that may be why she has not opened up about it. Have you talked to her about her personal expectations of you as a person? Sometimes it is good to allow someone to "get out" any thoughts they may have about who they thought someone to be. To have you listen without talking may be what your daughter needs. Once recognition begins it may free her up to start to verbalize some of the different aspects of what she is feeling. The tricky part is not to speak as she talks. (Nod that head mom. :) ) As her mom you could start the conversation in a manner more about your hopes that you did not let her down in some way and that you are there to listen if she has a point of view to share. If that is something you are open to. These things are deep. She may not know why she is behaving the way she is. It sounds like she is making an effort which is wonderful. It would be great if she received affirmations and understanding from you at this time. Her effort to reach out to her first time "big sis" is commendable. Do you know if your relinquished daughter was raised as an only child or first born girl or last born? You are doing a great job by trying to understand what is going on. We discuss topics such as this in the "Ups and Downs of Reunion" Chat on Wed nights in our chat room here on Adoptionforums. I will be at an orphanage this coming Wed but will be on to host other weeks. It starts 7 pm pst. It would be great to talk more. We have a wonderful group that is great at brainstorming helpful ideas. It is always your choice, Janet, to choose what is right for you and your family. Your love for your children is wonderful. Congratulations again on finding your special daughter. Warm regards,

Dear Sabra, Thank you for your kind words and insights. I had thought of the birth order and the fact that she is now second instead of first daughter. I have not talked about her personal expectations of me, although when told, she said she did not blame me. I guess personal expectations would be different. I'll try and lead the convresation like you suggest and listen! We live about 3 hours away so I have to plan a week-end to do this. My relinquished daughter's adoptive parents had a biological son who was 8 years old when she was adopted and those were the only children. The problem with talking with the raised daughter is she won't talk! When she went to visit her half sister she said she didn't want this to be an "issue". So I have tried not to mention it, but by her attitude I know that all is not well with her. As you say she may take longer to adjust to the idea and as with all things it just takes time! I will try and do the chat room, but I'm on the east coast and staying up that late on a week night would be hard for me! Thanks, Janet

Hi! That is great that your family still sees the child. My brother nad sister both had babies that they gave up for adoption and now that I have kids it's really hard on me. I always wonder if they are ok and everything. They would now be about 23 and 20. I have never seen them, i was very young when they were born. Also my brother passed away in 1985 so it's hard to find out any information about his son,since we don't know where the ** is either. I think that it's wonderful for you and I wish you and your family the best. You said you wanted to hear from families who don't have contact, I hope this helps.I wish open adoption had been more common inthe 80's and maybe things would be different for me. Give that child as much love as you can and hugs and kisses as often as you can!

I am an aunt looking for 2 nephews and 1 niece who were turned over to children's services by an alcoholic father and adopted out in 1983 or 1984 maybe- last contact was in Ohio in Dec 1983. I would love to meet them as I don't think I ever saw them, but have heard lots of stories by their mother. They also have a brother who would like to meet with them, and a birth mother who would like to reunite. Birthdates are June 11, 1979 (M), July 18, 1980 (M), and Jan 3, 1982 (F). Mother was told all three children were adopted by the same family. The children were ages 4 1/2, 3 1/2, and just short of 2 when last seen. If the children recognize this info, they may contact me. I'm also registered at Adoption.com Keep us all in your prayers as we hope to reunite some day soon :cool:

Hi! Were your family members born in OH or just relinquished in OH. If they were born in OH......please email me with the personal info and I will see if I can assist you in finding them....OK? Blessings Mackie :D :D :D :D

These children have been found! I don't know how things will go, but I am planning to give them plenty of room to decide what they want to do with the contact. The afather was very helpful in supplying me with a summary of 18 years of their lives, and I appreciate the time and the trouble he went to to update me. Thanks Mackie- you speeded the process up a LOT! God bless you!

I'm also a birth aunt, a recent birth aunt. My niece was adopted a week ago. I was told that the adopted parents could like us to keep in touch. I've heard nothing and my phone calls haven't been returned. I don't know what to do. Before the adoption is legal (30 days) is there something that can be written up by the request of the birth family to ensure visitation or contact?

Hi, I am also the birth Aunt of a nephew who will be turning 11 in June. His bmother , who had an "open" adoption has found his address and recently sent a letter to his amother. In the beginning I had a hard time with the fact that she gave him up for adoption without asking any of the family if they would adopt ( ok asking me to adopt him). The fact of the matter is now that she has contacted them through the mail, they are shocked and a little scared I think. They have contacted an attorney and he is asking for her to tell them how she got their information, befor they will give her an update on their son. She has made it perfectly clear that she only wants to re-establish the contact that they had agreed to befor the adoption was final. For the fist 5 years she had contact through the agency

It sounds as if the afamilies you wish to keep in contact with feel you are a threat to the stability of their family. Perhaps reassuring the aparents that you consider them the child's parents but would like to be considered a friend of the family would help. Additionally, you could mention that one reason for the contact would be to pass on any necessary medical updates that become available. Let the aparents know that you will contact them in a few months to see what they have decided about your desired contact with them. Then back off and let them think about how they want to make their decision. They should feel less threatened to know that you wouldn't be stepping in to claim the child, and it will give them a reason to want to have a contact. Whatever they decide, let them make the choice without pressure- but make sure they have a way to contact you if they decide they would like to in the future.

Im in the same situation as sunbird. If you can help me or at least direct me where to start I would be deeply indebted to you. My Nephew and Niece were born in Sacramento, CA. My email address is rfeusi@charter.net. Reyna