developing relationships with others

This is a great question. Last night I sent an e-mail to a friend who is also adopted, asking her the same question. I was the last of five children, three of us were adopted. I do not keep in close contact with my family. It's been 15 years since I last spoke with my oldest brother. I call my mother maybe four times a year and it's been over two years since I've talked to my father and sister. I have a brother that lives in the same town and I call him once a year, and another brother that I e-mail a couple of times a year. As far as friends are concerned, I have two close friends that I met 24 years ago while in jr high school. Over the years, each of us have been close then have gone our seperate ways many times. I am currently drawing closer to one and am feeling the need to expel the other. I have other friends that I keep at a distance. These are people that I've meet at some event, like soccer, or church, or they are married to my husband's best friend. I don't feel comfortable enough around these people to develop the relationship but feel lonely by myself. Kelley

I think relationships are the hardest for adoptees to maintain--especially healthy, long-term ones. We are always waiting for them to leave and we look for the fault rather than the assests. It is a struggle for me.

I agree with you...fear of abandonment...even before I knew I was adopted was a very real thing. Today, altho I am an adult, with lots of years of experience in living, I am still independent. Its always been hard for me to understand the words, "people who need people." I have had friends for many years, but they dont know me. They dont know my story. In close relationships, I had no trouble bonding or enjoying what was happening, but I always reserved a portion of deep feelings for myself. That way if they left, I wouldnt be hurt so badly. What you are descirbing I dont believe is a character flaw or problem, with you. It is a residual related to adoption. When we are born, there must be a period in which there is a window of time that allows us to imprint, or integrate, or satisfy our genes with our birth family. The window gradually closes as we get older. Once it closes, the feelings of grief, loss, abandonment etc. stay with us. I have chatted with adoptees who have re-united. Evryone has always said that although the re-union answered many questions and resolved many issues for them, it didnt entirely erase all the feelings of loss, grief and abandonment. I wish you the best... Drywall

I tend to make friends with people that are nothink like me then i feel they hurt me and then imagine they are fed up with me this drives me up the wall but it always happerns and the friends that would be true to me i seem to dump along the roadside as if i have power over their feelings wish this wasn't so any advice in changing.

I am the same way with family and friends. The only person I am close with and need is my wife. Others are not close and I don't go out of my way to socialize with anyone. Most people I see socially are thru my wife's friends and family. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a grouch or hermit. I am friendly and cordial to almost all I meet. But I do keep a wall up. Both of my siblings were adopted from 2 different bmoms and none of us are real close to each other or aparents. This may not be a symptom of adoption, we may be this way no matter what happened to us or maybe something else occured in our lives to cause these feelings. But don't let it bother you, enjoy yourself, what you do and who you know anyway you can. However I do feel jealous sometimes when I see the closeness of other siblings. Good Luck Searching

Yes... talking with other adoptees as well, having relationships in adult life seem more difficult to develop and maintain. As one person stated... part of it is due to the fear of abandonment. I know for myself, I tend to befriend and form close relationships with those of who I don't know well and who I don't have much invested interest in. That way if they leave... I'm not as emotionally affected. Something I do to test ppl is to disclose at times inappropriately too much about myself to see if it scares them away... if they are still talking with me... I'll know I can trust them... so trust for me is something formed early and oddly enough easily. On the otherhand, I have difficulty having close intimate relationships with those ppl I am close to. It can be a torturous situation... wanting a close relationship/intimacy with someone, however knowing that in order to develop it, means trusting someone not to leave. I think it kind of stems back to our development... I firmly believe that as children we are our own worlds and that when our attachments are disrupted through adoption regardless of age, we tend to internalize the cause as somehow being our fault. Having a relationship with another and furthermore if you've been in a relationship that has ended, I know from my experience, I've wondered what it was that I did to have the other person leave... stemming the rationalization back to our primary traumatic abandonment. I don't have a close relationship with anyone in my family other than my brother and I see him more as a friend than as a family member. I was talking with another adoptee and we were discussing that how as children, when we grow and develop into adulthood, normally a child would work on "closing the gap" that remains between parents and children. However for an adoptee... specifically for me being transracial, I know the gap has infact widened... and I don't really have an urge to devote time to maintaining a close familial relationship. And I'm okay with this... I too am a very independent person and have noticed that when in relationships I tend to sometimes lean too much on the significant other to try and fill voids that weren't filled as a child or that my birth parent's and in my case adoptive parents couldn't provide... this isn't healthy either... as I'm learning to understand, any SO shouldn't be used to fill any void. So I'm still searching for some middle ground and some healthy boundaries...

It was a real blessing reading your entry of relationships. I'm 38 married (for16yrs) with two daughters aged 15 and 12. Although I've known right from the start that I was adopted, my colour gave that away, I have struggled constantly with building relationships. Its as if I have to keep everyone at arms length, I cant allow anyone to get too close. Because of this my marriage has been very rocky. My husband does try to understand my insecurities but as he had a happy childhood it is difficult. I dont have much contact with my adopted family, I have always felt so different so I have choosen to cut them off. Just recentlly I have suffered a nervous breakdown for the second time, I just cannot accept all the hurt and rejection I have had all my life. I spend my whole time trying to please others as it is so important to me to be liked by everyone and totally devestated if I think I might have upset anyone. This feeling of rejection, abondment, not loved is so heavy too carry around with me always. I've built this imaginary wall and dont let anyone in. My daughters have seen all this missery I have suffered and no matter how hard it has been too try and hide this from them sometimes I just cant help myself. I have one true friend who I share all my inner thoughts with, we have been friends since secondary school 27yrs, without her I dont think I would still be here as taking my life has frequently crossed my mind. I feel bitter and angry that this had to happen too me. It really has ruined my life. To find true happiness in a relationship for is never too be! I know from reading your entry I'm not alone, but when sat here on my own it feels like it. Many thanks, for sharing this.

That has probably been one of my biggest and hardest issues in adulthood. Trying to figure out why it is so difficult to have healthy normal relationships like you see other people having. With family, friends and intimate relationships. In reading the posts in this site sounds like I am not alone which makes me feel less "not normal" Other then my children I have struggled all my life with letting people in. I never seem to find the happy medium I either push away or try to hard which ends up pushing them away because I seem to "needy" when actually I guess it is just looking for that "love" I feel I am missing. Good luck to all although I hate to see anyone feel how I have all my life. It is good to know I am not alone and that we can find some comfort through each other :)

When I was younger I had a very hard time developing and keeping friendships. When I was around 22 I had to start cutting myself off from my adoptive family because I had grown up in their household beleiving that I was the screw up, on a daily basis my sister who is not adopted would harrass and beat me to no end, and there seemed to be no way out for me except to leave and make a life for myself. I was stronger than I ever thought I could be, I moved to another state, and made a life for myself. It's a wonder, those same people who thought I was such a screwup want to be my bestfriends now, but as Christian as I am today, I cannot be too close to these people anymore, because they just bring me down. As far as friends, I have a few, but my children and my husband are my life, they are my best friends, they have shown me what it is to love and to be loved. I would love one day just to meet my bio mother to tell her thank you, but as far as any relationship it would definitely take time because I am not a very trusting person anymore.

I think dbird it right on the head when she said "seeming to needy" thats exactly how i come over i think any suggestiions to prevent this ? or any answers as to why? i read the words on these threads and it is only then that i recognise myself but have no ideal about how to prevent my behavouir or change it. Trace:confused:

the beginning of the life we have, we didnt choose....but its all we have and we have to make the best of it. At some point there has to be a giving up of those old wounds and a moving on to a brighter time. Each time we have a trigger that brings up those thoughts and memories and rough periods, those are just thoughts, they are not new experiences in the hurt, loss and grief. We have been there before....We have control over those. If we are honest with oursleves, we can accept the fact that those thots are painful, and when we think about them it hurts. Once you acknowledge that, then you can go onto something else, because you know that if you continue to think about all that grief and despair, you will become depressed. Try to begin to think of ways to feel better about your life. It will take work, and lottsa tears, but in the end the demons will begin to leave and you will feel better. Writing your own story will help a lot. Wish you all the best, Dry

What a good question. I have the worst time developing relationships and keeping them. It seems as though I am a pro at throwing walls up and pushing people away. I have a hard time with my adoptive family because...whether this is true or believed to be true I don't know...but because I feel different than the rest of them. I feel like I am even treated differently than my cousins who are "blood" to the family. I am a very independent person and have been since I was little. I read two wonderful books, "20 things adopted kids want their parents to know" and "Adoption: the lifelong search for self". Both books went into detail regarding how adopted children tend to be more independent because they experienced their first loss at a very early age (whether at birth or early childhood) and even though most people don't think children are really affected by that, they really are. I am really feeling the loneliness, rejection issues, and walls go up right now as I just did a search for my birth mother and she did not want to meet. I have always felt like a piece of me was missing and I was hoping that meeting her would really help me feel whole. Being turned down in my search opened up a lot of vulnerabilities and fears and I'm really feeling lost right now. I'm hoping that all this is going to pass, but I'm really wondering if I am going to feel this way my whole life? If anyone responds, my email is trumjen@yahoo.com, as I don't know if I will be able to find my way back to this thread again as I just stumbled upon it as I was browsing around. Take care everyone :)

hi Trumjen, I enjoyed your response. These are some thoughts I want to leave with you. We are captives of our triggers..that is, we have no control over when they occur... they are usually a surprise...we do however have complete control over our thoughts...there are always going to be some things in our lives which we cannot control...as painful as those things are, at some point we have to give up those goals, dreams and desires. We have to allow the other individual to control the situation and we have to move on... It is a terrible feeling to believe that we have so little value, worth, or merit that our birth parents would not want to have contact with us...and there can be many explanations for that...most of which we will never know. The main thing is to do caretaking for ourselves. If you are disappointed in regards to the outcome of your re-unuiion with your mother, as sad as that may be...this too will pass...and you will grow for having overcome those areas of grief and loss. For all of us there is always hope...that's all we have...do caretaking for yourself. Give yourself permission to be human. Be honest enough with yourself to admit when you feel "down." Thats when you need the caretaking the most. U know where those sad thots lead you, so dont go there. Change your thoughts to something more meaningful to you. Your reward will be a long period without feeling depressed, sad, or frustrated. If no one will take care of us, then we are all we have. Best wishes Dry

of course your difficulties in your relationships are related to your adoption. I have read several of the replies and one word used to describe this problem has been independence. I too once believed that my relationship difficulties were because I was so independent. I am now finding that independent is a false despription, and a more accurate word would be cutoff. I find I feel so horribly ambivilant about relationships. I want nothing more that to feel close and connected with someone, anyone, but I am terrified to let myself be that vulnerable. As I take risks in relationships, I become so overwhelmed with anxiety, that my body eventually shuts down, I become numb, my thoughts become irrational (believing horrible things about my self or applying sinister motives to others faults/mistakes/motives/intentions. These types of behaviors are related to attachment problems. I was adopted when I was 24 hours, and the experts say that attachment difficulties should not be evident, however, if you read some of the old articles about attachment - ie Mary Ainsworth and Bowlby on loss and separation, the descriptions of infant attachment and separation behaviors perfectly verbalize my feelings. I am finding that it is not just the psychological damage of understanding that I was once unwanted, but a basic problem in my composition and basic ability to trust my self, the world and the people in my life. I think the only way to overcome this to to pay close attention to my anxiety rather than allowing myself to become numb and withdrawn (states I use to call independence), I need to monitor my thoughts and not let them get crazy and I need to take smart risks once I am clear about my feelings.