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I am an adoptive parent of 3 kids. Although I have no bio kids, these children are MY KIDS (how I hate it when some ignorant person asks me"So, Do you have any of your own?") I was their first and ONLY foster parent since infancy. After 3 years of fostering/visitation/unsucessful-multiple tries to reunify did the bio's of my oldest son sign their rights over, but with stipulations. We were told to take the deal, it was the best we could do, ansd if we didn't and went to trial, we might lose him. So we took this "deal,they ended up with 6 visits a year, almost e/o month...and when it is a 3 month stretch, we end up with 5 weeks between visits. We were also told by the dept that they prob wouldn't be around long and that we wouldn't have to go to these visits anymore...althought there is nothing that states anything about missed visits. My son is now 4, and a year is almost gone bysince the adoption, and he is having a real problem with these visits. At first I thought that it would not be a problem since they(the bios) had been pretty good with the visitation while he was in foster care, but now it is turning into a disater. These parents are looking to co-parent, they tell him that he can come an live with him whenever he wants, they tell him that they are his REAL MOM AND DAD and so on and so forth. I tell them that this is inappropriate conversation for MY son and that I do not want them to discuss this with him. I don't get what part of ADOPTION they do not get. I know that this little boy has some sort of bond with these people, but he has not been able to bond with us as a forever family due to this. He is friendly towards them when we meet, but other than that there is no real relationship. It takes him over a week of bed wetting, baby talk and outbursts of temper tantrums to get back into the swing of things. He is a bright energetic 4 y.o and it is so sad to hear him ask me..." I'm your son?...Your my mom?, right? This is my house, too, right mom?" He is terrified to be in a place that he can not see me anytime that he needs that assurance, other than daycare, but he has a real hard time adjusting to any "new teacher" or schedule. (this was not an issue before...maybe age issue and realization of what life is handing him) I am hoping that we can get these visits decreased for the sanity of my son and our home. I am not opposed to sending them pics, and MAYBE a yearly visit, but this is not how I thought that it would turn out. It is more tramatic for him now, who does he really belong to, who is his "real" family? I would think real long and hard before I opted for an open adoption again....Any suggestions as to what I can do to fix this WRITTEN and signed open adoption agreement? PLEASE HELP!
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Is there a therapist involved that is familiar with adoption and attachment? Maybe he can meet with everyone individually and together to sort this out and make it a better situation for everyone. He also would have alot of say if he felt the child was being harmed by the visits. It may be that the bio family needs some time and help to grieve their loss so they can be a supportive and helpful part of your son's life.
I'm not a legal expert, but I have adopted children who have continued contact with birth siblings and former adoptive parents.
I had a mom trying to co-parent and dictate how I parented and I considered stopping visits but she went into counseling and now I believe she's an assett to my sons happiness and understanding of who he is.
The visits may need to be temporarily stopped to allow for some healing and the best place to start is with a therapist. They can recommend to the courts that the birth family members receive counseling before resuming visits.
Good luck and I'm sure the real legal experts will have better advice.
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Daisy,
What state do you live in? I have never heard of a forced visitation such as this through the fostercare system. We adopted our daughter through foster care, and I had to, for the sake of my daughter, stop all contact. I, not the bfamily, have the right to make this decision. Just recently our bmom has come back into our lives and I have my daughter in therapy now. We have been going since the beginning of this year. I called our area adoption coordinator and she immediately set us up with a counselor who specializes in the area of adoption. She has been absolutly wonderful for my daughter. My daughter was very confused because the bmom told her basically the same things your bfam is telling your son. She told her that she belonged to her, that she needs to live with her and that we were not her real parents. She also told her that we stole her, and even told my daughter that she would get an attorney to fight to get her back. She lost her rights when my daughter was only 4 and she is 12 now. First I would get my son into counseling, and then I would seek out an attorney for advise in your state. Find out if the visitation order can really be held up in a court of law. And if it can, then find out what options you have. I would not let them disrupt this childs life. Your son has the RIGHT to have a secure home with loving parents who are there for him at all times.
Just my 2 cents!! since I am going through some of what you are. Feel free to email if you want to discuss this further.
Carol
I am a birth mother from the, very closed dark era of adoption.
However I am also a mother and grandmother, so I hope you do not mind my interjecting my thoughts on here.
Though in no way, do I feel closed adoption is healthy neither do I believe that what some believe open adoption is either, for any of the parties involved.
I was thrilled when I heard that open adoptions had arrived, but am confused by the family visits, contacts etc.
I would think that once a year photographs and progress letters would ease the pain of the birth mother, and would keep a line of contact open with the child.
Sometimes, progress brings its" own set of problems as this seems to have done.
Good luck,
Rosalind
As an adoptee, I agree with Rosalind's perspective on this - "I would think that once a year photographs and progress letters would ease the pain of the birth mother, and would keep a line of contact open with the child".
Open adoption is not co-parenting. The behavior that is being exhibited by these particular bparents is in no way in the best interest of the child. It would have confused the heck out of me as a child! DaisyN123 you posted "We were told to take the deal, it was the best we could do". Who are "they"?
Perhaps that may be where to start getting this changed - the
"they" that created this problem in the first place and caused you to feel threatened with loosing your son if you didn't agree.
Also agree with Rosalind's statement "progress brings its own set of problems as this seems to have done". Most definetely true in this case.
DaisyN123, I am so sorry you are in this position. Best of Luck at getting it resolved.
Daisy
I am soory to hear what is happening to you. We had a simliar problem with our bm and ceased visits. However where I live it is legal to have an open adoption agreement and it is enforceable by law.
I would advise you to go to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse and look at the laws for your state.
[url]http://calib.com/naic[/url]
hopefully this link will work for you.
Good luck
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Hello again,
I just went and looked at your state law and it is just like where I live.
Might I suggest to have your son see a counselor who specializes in adoption and see what the counselor says. Because even though te agreement is enforceable you can stop the visits for the best interest of the child. If the bp's want it enforced tell them to take it to court. More than likely it won't happen, but make sure that you document and send them a certified letter on why you are doing it and tell them that they need to seek counseling and not to coparent or say the inappropriate things to your son. Once they have done so tell them that you need the letter from the counselor and reduce the visits to about once to two times a year in a public place for about an hour and make sure that you are present and the conversations are monitored and if they cross the line just say the visit is over. You are the parent they are not they lost that right.
I wish you the best and if you need more info or advice you can private mail me.
Good luck