Are we still to be judged?

I just want to echo Taig and Mommy2amiracle. I think that adoptions and their circumstances vary so greatly, sometimes it is hard to relate to the posts you read, and sometimes you take posts that are irrelvent to your situation to heart. Ress

Mommy to a Miracle - you mentioned you had not met any birthmoms. I would guess your own parents are probably around my age - early 50's. I would venture a guess that at least one or two of your own mom's friends or acquaintances are birth mothers. Ask your own mom - she may tell you. Even though there was a lot of secrecy, most people suspected when a girl went away and returned a few months later that she was pregnant. Until Roe vs. Wade - there was an epidemic of young girls disappearing for months. During the later 70's and early 80's it became socially accepted for young girls or middle or working class status to chose single motherhood. There were also a lot of programs available to assist single women through their pregnancy and early childhood years. Most women today who make and adoption plan are doing so through informed consent. When we older mothers use the term "surrendered a child to adoption" we truly mean it - surrendered...under duress, psychological, emotional and social. There is no comparison from to day to what it was like in the 60's and early 70's. Picture us as almost children ourselves, holding a infant with a rifle pointed at us - yes we surrendered, we had no choices no matter what those with a 21st century mentality feel. Taig

Taig, I'm sorry for your loss:( I can't begin to imagine how traumatic that must have been for you. Our adoption counselor told us heart wrenching stories of how the birth of a child was handled when the agency delivered babies onsite. She is my age, but was told by a retired counselor that they went so far as to blindfold the birthmom's so they couldn't even look at their babies once they were born!!! I'm afraid that too many if not the majority of birthparents on these boards went through a similar experience :mad: I can understand that coming from that sort of situation would make any kind of adoption unpalatable. Nothing that I can say will take away your pain. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself with those of us here! It is through sharing that I think that we will gain a better understanding of each other.

Taig, This is what has been so scary to me. So many birthmothers of all ages still being judged and scorned for being pregnant at some point. I've seen many birthmothers I respected leave or be banned from posting here and it breaks my heart. I was learning so much about how they actually felt as opposed to what we as adoptive parents are told by the social workers. I watched many women break through their pain and stop seeing adoptive parents as the enemy. Yet the people that drove them away still post and still have the same attitudes scorning the birthmothers. And expecting mothers considering adoption see that perhaps the adoptive parents are the enemy instead of part of a triad to love and support a child as he or she grows. Peggy

Peggy, I was looking through this thread and was thinking the same thing! Why are these birthmothers banned from what is supposed to be a safe place to express one's feelings? Radical, a-mothers-love and others have been speaking my language. I find it helpful to see that my pain is not "abnormal". It's comforting to know that I am not alone...even with some of my darkest emotions. I have always wondered what the social workers said to my adoptive parents as to how they thought I was or how I felt about this adoption...I have a feeling that is wasn't even close to how I really felt! I have to wonder if there was more openess...even if it's not pretty...would help us all to appreciate each other more. Adoptive parents must be extremely tough as well. I have found more respect for my adoptive parents by reading posts from other adoptive parents here. Thank you all for posting! Chris

I, too, am a birthmom who has always wondered what my bdaughter's aparents have been told. Wouldn't it be great if everyone could just open up for the sake of the child involved?! On another note, Chris, I can't PM you. I tried and it sent a message that you weren't accepting them or couldn't. Just thought I would let you know if you didn't choose the option.

I am a birth mom and found my bdaughter months ago. She does not want to meet me-wich was ok but she doesnt tell me anything with information-her school or where she works -she is so careful that our relationship goes no where. I have been careful to give her space and not to demand too much but I cant help but think that I gave her life though I couldnt take care of her-and she must have been told or thinks that somehow I will come and find her or knock on her door. She just graduated and still wont tell me what school she went to but of course wants to know all about me and all of those uncomfortable questions. I am disapointed but wont let it bother me-I know what I have done and I have had to pick between two poor choices-so i did my best. I too am tired of hearing that the bmom wants too much-or they dont need another mom-I dont think any of us went back to reclaim our children. I am glad my birthdaughter is happy and not on drugs...but I don't owe her anything including being manipulated emotionally like I see in some of these adoption meetings. I wish all mothers the best-adoptive or birth. Holiday

Sometimes I feel like a broken record ... but my comments get lost in the shuffle sometimes. So, risking redundancy .... Holiday. Your daughter is still a kid ... a teenager. You say she just graduated, so I assume she's somewhere between 17 and 19 years old. These are the most active, most exciting years of a girl's life. REMEMBER? It is a time of dating, school, career or college choices; maybe dreams of marriage and children. From now through the coming decade this young lady is going to be discovering life ... and herself. Reunion is something they think about for the future. Remember, our relinquished kid doesn't think about us near as much as we think of them. Growing up is an important time for them -- be PATIENT. Of course she is full of questions. She isn't looking for your life story, though. She is more interested in knowing about HERSELF --- her genetic background, ethnic heritage, who she looks like, what talents she might share with you or her birthfather. Later -- after she's tasted life and is comfortable with WHO she is, she'll be looking forward to knowing you. Don't be upset with her questions...and please, don't be on the defensive. Remember, she DOES have a Mom and Dad and a family, but that doesn't mean there's no room for you. It is just too soon. I never realized this until my daughter and I reunited 17 years ago. She was all of 32 years old and had given birth to her first child five months earlier. She was READY to bring me into her life, so she decided to look for me. Of course I had been Registered since she turned 21 in 1975 and she found me immediately. In spite of her (and my) maturity, we still had a stressful first few years. It took time to get to know one another and to find a place in one another's life. She had wonderful parents who happily welcomed me into their family. But there were issues we both had to deal with and our's was a wild ride on the Reunion Roller Coaster during those early years. It was worth it. It was well worth waiting 32 years to share her life. Please, be patient. Keep connected, but don't pressure your daughter. Just let her know that you are here for her when she's ready to get to know you. In the meantime, answer her questions as well as you can. Hang in there -- you have a lot of support on these Forums and the Chats, and you can use the waiting time to read about reunion and prepare yourself. Love & Hugs, Carol

Im sorry-I must have sounded like I was "waiting" for her or needed her approval for a relationship. I should have made clear I only wanted to see if she was ok and maybe(if she wanted) be friends. I am not going to "wait" to have a realtionship-I think it is unhealthy and somewhat co-dependent to do this. I believe in going on with my life and think that all mothers or adoptees should when they have been rejected or manipulated. There is a line that should be drawn-what your willing to endure and what your not willing to-to do otherwise builds resentment. Relationships are on a continuum-though I dont have to stand by-she knows where I live. I read all of these bleeding heart posts-how manipulated the bmom is or the adoptee-someone always has the upper hand-if you let them. I couldnt wait to see if she was ok-I thought the adoption may have been illegaly handled-and had to see if she was actually places in a good home. I didnt search to see what was the "best time" for a relationship-my search was for her welfare-to see if the lawyer was on the up and up. Everyone has there own reasons for searching-these were mine. Holiday Ps-My intention was to validate that bmoms seem to get a bad rap that we "need" so much for the adoptee to need us-which wasnt true for me.

WOW! I think I started reading this thread once or twice when it went around the first time, but never posted to it. Now that I see it has "resurfaced" I think I will stick my two cents in! :D I am an adult adoptee -- 38 years old -- born and adopted during what I like to refer to as the " 1960's era of secrets and lies". I have NEVER in my enitire life considered "judging" my birthmom. NEVER! How could I? She's a part of me. I have never seen her, but I lived inside of her for nine months. She was there with me when my first cells came together, creating me...she gave me my first nourishment and my first warm, safe place to sleep and live. She worried about my future, and she considered my well being. She was there, when I took my first breath. Before anyone thinks I am glamorizing some sort of "fantasy woman" that I've created over the last 38 years -- I can assure you that I am not. My birthmom's story isn't pretty, and her "adoption experience" wasn't some thoughtful "adoption plan". The wounds from the "system" are so deep and so plentyful that she can not bring herself to acknowledge my existance to anyone, and she won't accept any form of contact with me whatsoever. If you have followed any of my threads, you will know that I have contact with my birth cousin, and thru this relationship, I have come to know and understand (albeit limited) much of what my birthmother's life has been like, and it's a terribly sad case. I tend to believe that much of what she has endured has been due, in part, to the perception of self that she had, coming out of her 1960's adoption experience. I've been told that she was fearful of telling her children of my existance because they would "hate her" for allowing me to "escape what they were made to stay and endure". Our mother gave birth to, and kept, another little girl, less than a year after I was born....she later went on to marry a man who raised my sister as his own, along with two boys that were biologically his. Harold is an alcoholic abuser with a gambling problem....never has held a steady job.....and my siblings were raised in poverty. Comments were made, alluding to the fact that my birthmom mentioned she couldn't bring herself to see what my life had been like, because she'd spent years scrubbing floors for a few dollars, just to have any money at all. When I first heard this, I was devastated -- thinking that my own mother didn't want a better life for me -- but a very wise and warm member of this forum pointed out to me that perhaps it wasn't like that at all. Perhaps, her reaction was more due to the fact that in 1964, she was put to so much shame by those saying "your child would be so much better off" and "she deserves better than you can give her", that facing my life, as it is today, would only serve to prove the '60's nay-sayers right. The children she raised are unstable, at best -- at their worst, they are all alcoholics.....rarely employed....in trouble with the law....unmotivated and living with the notion that the world owes them something for what they have endured. Two of them bearly got out of high school and one didn't. If she were to know me, and if she does truly feel this way, then I'm afraid she would preceive the nay-sayers to be right. I was an honor student in high school -- went to college on academic scholarships -- and have never wanted for a thing in my life. I'm totally stable, happy, healthy, highly motivated, successful, own my own business, and have never even considered that the world owes me a thing. What I achieve, I achieve by the grace of God and because I work hard to get it. It breaks my heart to think that she would preceive herself a "failure" if she knew me. She is anything BUT that! She created me, and she gave me a chance to live. Without her, I would not BE HERE to achieve....to love and be loved....to make a difference in this world. Everytime something wonderful happens in my life, she is a part of it, because without her, it wouldn't be happening. I acknowldge that each and every day. I know where she is.....she's less than ten minutes from me, as are my siblings and their families....my aunt and uncle and cousins. We have been together, unbeknownst to any of is, living in the same community for 38 years. I never had a clue....and most of them still don't. My aunt, uncle and one of my cousins are the only members of my birthfamily that know -- and they've only known for a few months. My only "contact" is thru my cousin, because my aunt feels it would be betraying her sister's wishes to speak with me. I have accepted this....although the strain is at times intolerable. It might be different for me if they lived somewhere else, but now, even going to the grocery can be paralyzing, because I know that at any given moment, the man I am standing next to in the check out line could be my brother.....any store employee with a name tag that fits that of one of my family members could be just that -- one of my family members. I've lived a vast majority of my cognitive life wanting to know these people......and now, here they are -- but my birthmother said "NO". I feel I have to respect that. It is the single hardest thing I have ever had to do....but I do it, because she is my mother, and I truly do feel that the "revelation" that my siblings have a "big sister" should come from her. By all accounts, our mother is all my siblings have -- they worship her and have clung to her like a life raft for the 30+ years they have been alive. She is all they know as "safe". In return, my mother's children and grandchildren are the lights of her life, and the only thing that keeps her going in an otherwise bleak existance. Is it MY place to intervene in that? Is it MY place to destroy the life of the person who GAVE me MINE? Believe me -- I've logged a lot of hours thinking and praying about this situation, and I, at this point, don't believe it is. Do I judge her for ANY of the choices she's made -- either in 1964, today, or any of the years in between? Not a chance. They were and are HER choices to make. I respect them. More than anything, I suppose I respect the fact that she was able to say "NO" to something she knew she wasn't emotionally capable of handling -- by all accounts, she has never had much esteem, so to have done what she needed to do for her present self-preservation is commendable....and it makes me love her all the more. Hugs, Sally

I just read Holiday's last two posts on this thread and I must admit they left me shaken. In considering reuniting with my son, I have only considered two possibilities: that we will have a warm and happy reunion, or that he will refuse contact entirely and not wish to speak to me at all. I have thought... well, maybe he'll be shy, awkward and uncomfortable at first, and I've imagined things I can say to put him more at ease. But Holiday's post poses a disturbing new possibility that I must now consider. The idea of a grown adoptee peppering a birthmother with intrusive personal questions while pointedly refusing to give out any information about him/herself is unacceptable to me. It simply won't do. I would not accept this treatment from my other son, the one I have raised. I wouldn't accept it from any of my friends or family members, and I wouldn't accept it from a stranger on the street. So why should I be willing to accept it from my birthson? When and if we meet, it will be as two adults. Information will be exchanged freely or not at all. I am willing to listen to and address any feelings my son has toward me, but we WILL communicate in a respectful manner. Maybe this sounds harsh, but I am SO upset by the treatment Holiday received from her daughter. Nobody, but NOBODY, deserves that. I'd rather have a flat-out rejection than a bunch of immature game-playing. True, the best interest of the child comes first, but once the child is grown up they need to treat others as they wish to be treated; this does not include demanding personal information of others and then refusing to tell them something as inconsequential as the name of one's former school. Holiday, I'm dreadfully sorry this happened. You didn't deserve it. I'm glad that you were able at least to speak to your daughter and find out that she was healthy and alright. This hurtful behavior on her part shows that she is not, in fact, mature enough for any kind of relationship at this time. I hope she will be at some point. Like you said, she knows where you live when she's ready. Best, best wishes to you... I hope that in time your daughter will be capable of treating you with common courtesy and respecting you as, if not a mother, than at least a fellow human being who has feelings just like everyone else, and is deserving of consideration. Sincerely, ~Sharon

Sally, I was blown away by your post! What an insightful realization on your part! You are a very strong person to be able to live in that community at all! I admire your ability to look past your needs and wants and be so conscientious of your bmom's situation. I hope that some day things will change for you. I will pray for you and your bmom. Big Hugs-Dawn:)

Dawn, Thank you for our kind words! I can't take credit for all the insight, tho -- Lemonchutney helped me out there! I will forever be thankful for her, for that! Hugs, Sally

I have to say I agree with Sharon re: Holiday's situation. I agree about mutual respect, adult relationships etc. I DO have one little point, (that's weird) about the subject. OK, maybe 2 little points. The first...... I believe that whomever does the searching and finding is responsible for the lion's share of patience and understanding during the initial stages of the "reunion" I believe that speaks for itself, but I would be willing to elaborate if anyone doesn't understand the thinking behind that belief! The second point would be, ......that searching for, and finding, a very young, (to me that is pretty much under 25) adoptee. Young people, (always MY opinion) are notorious in their self centeredness. I feel it gets worse before it gets better, and the "worse" part happens when they acquire that "magic" age of 18 that gives them so many rights and freedoms! The fact that responsibility and obligation is the flip side of those two things, is a very slow realization for many. Not to excuse selfish behavior, but to possibly understand just exactly what the emotional limitations of a young person MIGHT be. I still thing the young lady in question is behaving like a twit, but as an adoptee myself, I sort of understand. We speak of "judgment" and "labels" Well, they DO exist. I don't necessarily believe they exist in the context presented in this thread for example, but that is a result of my personal opinion of the originator of the thread. BUT..........as an adoptee, I am privy to thoughts and comments made by the population in general. things people wouldn't say to a b-parent or even an a-parent, and it is REALLY harsh. I can easily imagine what Holiday's daughter's friends are saying. "Be careful! Don't reveal anything about yourself! What does she want?" Again, I do NOT share these opinions, but I not only remember, I have children that age NOW and know how huge the opinions of friends seem. I hope that makes sense. Bottom line, I suppose, is that.....just because a person (adoptee) is over 18, doesn't TRULY make them an adult, other than in the eyes of the law. MANY are still children, with all the emotional limits and focus on self that being a child involves. I mean this post as a possible way to deflect some hurt that may be being caused by "childish" behaviors. No other reason. I wish us all happy, healthy, deep and lasting reunions! Love, Debi

Thank you for your support-you dont know what it means for me to hear those words. In this community of people-adoptees,bparents,aparents-and alot of neediness-sometimes your sense of self respect goes out the window in the name of love and guilt. "you should give her time" or "she is still a child" hang on-etc etc. -when I know in my heart I wouldnt take mental games from a stranger. I found my daughter a few months ago-yes it is new. I admit before i contacted her I drove by her house etc etc. but never would over step her boundries and intrude. I was overjoyed when she emailed so soon after I mailed her. However the silence-I mean silence over mothers day was a slap in the face. She even told me before the weekend that she had alot to do over the weekend with mothers day and all. I didnt expect a card but a note-she didnt have to use this M word-wich mind you my future step kids who have a mother and are the ages of 7 and 10 use-this terribe word called mother. they just put step in front-they use my first name but to everyone else i get at least the step part. So in my great old age of 3 months into reunion do I buy they don't know any better-(on either side I may add-bmother adoptive mother or adoptee)well at least my 7 and 10 year old STEP kids do. Again thank you for your support- and I dont mind saying-I am letting myself keep my self respect this time-without guilt. Holiday