What I wish I could tell my relinquished child!

You said you encourage bmoms to write a letter, When I relinquished my rights to my children, I wrote letters to both of them, explaining to them that it wasn't their fault, and that I loved them very much, I also made special arrangements to meet at their counselors office, so if they got to upset someone was there to help them get through it all. The counselor couldn't beleive that I wanted to do that. I gave them their letters and the state of Kansas took them and lost their letters, I heard that my kids were growing up exactly like I didn't want them to, feeling like it was their fault, and blaming themselves. Am I angry? yes I am angry. Not at the adoptive parents, but at the state of Kansas for what they have done.

I know the twelve steps say that the addict is the only one that can clean themselves up.. and I believe that the same applies to the one affected by the disease.. Your son is the one that will or will not deal with the consequences of living with an addict.. Accept or not.. be angry or not. Putting the message out there is all you can do isnt it.. You took responsibly for your actions.. willing to stand in the truth of it.. Welcome to the forums.. I am glad you are here.. your words add to this life situation of giving children up for adoption.. Jackie

I was in the Navy. The dad wanted nothing to do with the thought of a baby. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own....but someone else would be able to. I was three weeks overdue when my dad called on a Sunday night to say that they were coming out to visit the next weekend. I hit the panic mode. I called my sister, who told me to tell him "now isn't a really good time to come out". I did that and his response was "are you pregnant?" When I told them I was three weeks late, his response was "okay, we can still take care of that". At that point I told him I was due three weeks ago. Needless to say, my parents came out, the visit was ok until the night before they were leaving, and my mom said "you know if you were keeping this baby I would stay and help you for a week or two"......that has weighed so heavily on my mind.....a week or two compared to a lifetime. I know that what I did was what was best at the time. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. To this day, I can remember laying in the hospital and looking over and seeing his beautiful eyes. Now all I can do is hope that I can see those beautiful eyes again.......even if it is just once. He has a brother and sister, who call him their step-brother. My son is always saying if his brother was around he would have someone to play baseball with. Not a day goes by that we don't think of him. This is a very hard thing to do.....takes a tough person with a heart of gold.

Thank you I needed to hear that. I have felt that I am doing everything wrong. I feel everytime that I search and I am getting close the doors get slammed shut. I hired a private investigator to look for my son, I had his ss# we ran it and was told that it wasn't his number. I argued with this lady about it, that has been his # since he was born. Can the state change their ss#?

I do not know about the changing of numbers but I do know that some people changed the birthdate of relinquished children... Someone decides something that they think needs to be done and messes with folks lives.. knowing nothing about the real issues.. Hang in there.. Jackie

Hey Jackie, I just read your response to my last deal about SS#. Your right about people changing things and messing with peoples lives. The state is great about it. Alot of the case workers are book smart, they don't know anything about dealing with real life. I worked with a girl at a restraunt as a waitress, while she was studing to be a caseworker for the state. She didn't have children, and she didn't have any patience with kids either. Yet she was making straight A's in her class. To me that's very scary. Yes I am hanging in there, its hard at times, but I know in my heart when the time is right I will find my son, and we will be back together. Later Kat2560

You can not learn about this stuff in a book.. Can you.. I have read pages on the net that tell social workers on how to counselђ women considering giving a baby up.. some of it is very scary.. The sponsor in twelve steps has walked the walk.. and they know.. I knew when I sponsored in Alanon.. I knew what it was like to have an acting out loved one.. and I could say words that did not have an agenda.. or I hope they did not have an agenda.. a judgment.. This is what happened with me.. Thirty five years.. and it happened.. and it was the right time.. He had talked with no one from the CC agency or even his aparents.. he just connected with me because he had looked at his children and wanted to know more.. Jackie

Hey Jackie, I don't know for sure yet, but I may have found my son. I was on myspace looking at all the pictures, I found one that looked like my son, the facial features, the smile, I feel that it is him. I sent him a message and I am waiting to see if he responds to me or not. I am very nervouse about it, and at the same time I am very excited too. Does that make sense? kat2560

I hope and pray it is him.. and yes I know this one.. The first email I got from my bson was one that said I could not be who I am but maybe I was and the names were not the same.. etc etc.. I did not sleep that nite.. Jackie

Hey Jackie, My husband looked at the picture yesterday, he said there was some things that didn't look right and he didn't think it was him. I started to get upset, he told me he didn't mean to burst my bubble, I know that it may not be him, and yet I pray that it is. I haven't heard anything from him yet. The waite is the hardest part, I read all these stories and I know that it is just as hard on the children as it is on us. Another reason that my husband doesn't think its him, is because this boy is from North Caralina, My husband still thinks he is still in Kansas. I don't know. I am fighting with the state on trying to find out what his last name is. They won't release the name because his sister is only 15 yrs old and they were adopted together, I was told friday that I have to waite until she turnes 18 yrs old before I can have their last name, I got really upset and told Tina that it isn't fair to Johnathon Lee to have to waite, since he is already 18 yrs old, in Kansas he is considered an adult, it should be his dicision on whether to have contact or not. Was I in the wrong for feeling this way?

I'm new to all this (the searching). There are some wonderful, encouraging stories here. Thank you all for sharing.

How much I love her. How I held her when she was born. That her birth was one of the best things tha happened to me. That she was loved, she kicked her amom when she placed her hand on my tummy. That she helped so many others see the value of life. I wish I could tell her this and so much more. I hope that one day she will contact me again so I can share so much with her.

Hey Iglysson, This is kat2560 I was reading your short note, don't give up. I didn't and I found my bson. He has been with me since May29th this year. He is staying with me now. I also have contact with my bdaughter. She can't be with me right now but I know she will be with me some day. It is wonderful having my son home with me, we do have some issues that we have to work out, but it is nice at night having him give me a hug before he goes to bed, and when we talk on the phone or when he goes to sleep we always tell eachother that we love one another. My daughter calls me once a week and talks to me and we always tell eachother how much we love one another. Miracles do happen, If my kids come home to me I am sure yours will be home one day too. kat2560

Hey everyone, This is kat2560 and it has been awhile since I wrote anything, my son has moved out on his own, we still have contact everyday, Sunday's are our family day, all the kids come home for a homecooked meal. We had our first christmas together. This year was very special I had my son with me, last September my husband had open heart surgery, he made it great, so I have alot to be grateful for. My daughter had to spend christmas alone because the adoptive parents put her in a hospital because she was running away, and talking about hurting herself. She won't get out until sometime in January. Yes it makes me mad, but my hands are tied, I can't do anything, they moved so far away I can't go to see her. We talk at least once a week, I didn't get to talk to her at christmas because the aparents were here in Kansas, and she is in Virgina. I did send her a message on the computer, she won't get it until she goes to visit them when they get back. My daughter is 16yrs old now. My attitude is if the aparents don't want her send her home and I will take her with my arms wide open. They came to get my son the day after christmas and had a family portraite taken while they were together, my husband asked my son, was Jessica there for the picture? John said no, my husband asked him how can that be considered a family portraite without her? John said they can add her picture later. I have alot of issues with the aparents, on how they do things, but once again I am grateful that my son is in my life, one day my daughter will be in my life too.

Thank you to all the Birthmothers that are posting here. I recently found out that my birthmother was looking for me. This thread has explained more to me then I ever thought. I had a great life, and have known I was adopted for as long as I could remember. My Parents could not have children of their own, and I was the miracle that they were praying for. My parents and I have been thankful for the choice my birthmother made every day of our lives. I am so looking forward to sharing all my memories with her. It's strange to feel this kind of love for someone I've never met. Thank you for helping me understand the other side.