Rejection by birth family

I CAN HONESTLY SAY I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!!:confused: I FOUND MY B/P (STILL mARRIED) WHEN I WAS 21, AT FIRST, I HAD GOTTEN A REJECTION FROM THEM, THAT HURT. THEY COMPENSATED BY FILLING SOME MISSING PIECES, HEALTH, NATIONALITY, ETC. NO CONTACT WAS MADE AGAIN FOR OVER 7 YEARS, I GOT A LETTER FROM HER, WE CORRESPONDED FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS, WE WERE JUST GETTING READY TO SEE ONE ANOTHER FOR THE 1ST TIME AND SHE DIED A WEEK AND A HALF BEFORE. I CONTINUED TO SEE AND WRITE TO MY B/F AND THEN ONE DAY I TOO FELT I WAS DOING ALL THE EFFORTS. SO I SENT HIM A NASTY LETTER, SWORE I WOULDN'T DO IT AGAIN. STILL, I FIND MYSELF SENDING CARDS AT HOLIDAYS AND GETTING MAD AT MYSELF, EACH TIME-IT HURTS AS MUCH AS THE FIRST TIME OR MORE. I FIND THAT TALKING WITH MY HUSBAND OR A FRIEND SEEMS TO HELP. I USED TO KEEP IT TO MYSELF CUZ I FELT SO STUPID, LIKE I HAD NOBODY TO BLAME FOR MY HURT BUT MYSELF. THAT ISN'T THE CASE. GOOD LUCK, MAYBE A SUPPORT GROUP WILL HELP. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT ONE MYSELF. IF I DO I WILL LET U KNOW IF IT HELPS. HANG IN THERE-IT'S HER LOSS.:p :D :) :) :confused:

I know what you mean about making all of the effort. I keep in contact with my bf and his daughter .. But it's always me calling unless I get voice mail and leave a message. Least he returns my calls unlike my half sister. But I have two cousins that found me and have been calling and emailing me frequenly so I am blessed at least for them. I wish all of us could have smooth reunions and outcomes. Just because we have a great reunion alot of us seem to have difficulites with biofamily later on. I have a dear friend of mine who did not find out until he was much older and finally found his birthfamily. Only to have six months of siblings keeping in touch a few of them anyway and then poof totally disowned him. Regection for him again. My heart goes out to all who have to endure such pain.

You are the one in control of this situation. If you want to continue a relationship with your birth family....DO IT. The old saying "Anything worth having is worth working for". So what if it takes time and you do all the work. Do you want to have a relationship with them or not? Your ** may have issues but you still have a family that YOU BELONG TO. Yes, it may take time and effort on your part. It may all stay yhe way it is now, but if you do not make the effort you will forever wonder and punish yourself. in reality.. you may already have more of a relationship than most natural families. At least they called you. Besides isn't even just one family member worth the effort? In conclusion: GO FOR IT!! You may never get this chance again.

I think that we expect our birthfamilies to be somehow different than the family we were raised in. Sort of the prodigal son story. My adoptive family has always been pretty fractured, couldn't tell you the names of my aunts and uncles on my adad's side and last saw my cousins on that side when I was still in diapers. On my amom's side we were actually pretty close, yet still even when I lived locally I only saw my cousins at weddings and funerals. I have found two of my sisters and a brother. The brother's wife, while nice, has pretty much said he doesn't want to talk to me. Fine. One of my sisters is very reserved, we may talk a couple of times a year, my other one is much more outgoing and we talk alot already. Meanwhile, there were 8 of us, two are deceased, and can't find the other two except they remember what state they lived in last. I have two uncles, with a vague notion where they may be and two aunts who nobody can even remember their married names!! Maybe my afamily was so dysfunctional that anything is an improvement, or maybe we should let people accept us as they can. Be it in small pieces or not at all. Their acceptance or rejections however, should not shape us. Only our relationships with those people.

I am in my 8th year of reunion and have been torn between my adoptive family & birth family. I've had such a tumultous relationship with my adoptive family for years, yet I feel awkward pursuing relations with my birth family for fear of hurting my parents. I don't know my adoptive father's side of the family very well and I've distanced myself from my mother's side for years. Not to mention I'm an only child and feel lost & alone sometimes. Although my birth mother has been very embracing, the only surviving family member on my birth father's side (my eldest brother)didn't want anything to do with me and that rejection was very painful. But I've learned to lean on those people closest to me like my friends & my parents. I have to send my brother off in love for if I harbor that resentment any longer, I'll only be hurting myself...

I wish you luck in pursuing and having the capabilities to show both families that you have enough love for both as should they. And as far your eldest brother certainly is his loss and at least you can have the peace of mind knowing you were willing.. Good luck in the relations being better between both sides...

searchforbilly Strangely enough, I do feel at peace knowing that I tried to initiate communication with my brother. But like with anyone in life, we can't force or even expect others to feel the same way we do. I have alot of rejection issues to work out, but thank you for your support nonetheless! hugs s.nymf

I have waited for almost a year now for my bmother to tell my brothers (full siblings), put myself on hold out of respect for her. She says that she's afraid they will reject me, I think she's doing this to protect herself. We've only talked on the phone twice and the last email I received from her was in January (birthday greeting) so I don't have a relationship with her and she hasn't tried to create one. She told me that my bfather doesn't want to talk to me (they had a nasty divorce in '97) and she asked me not to contact him - she won't even give me his phone number. I have his name and I know the area he lives in but, again out of respect for her, I haven't tried to reach him. Anyway after ready your posts, I'm sitting here wondering what I'm doing. She's done nothing to respect my wishes, she'd rather not talk to me at all than to tell my brothers about me. Why am I so concerned about disturbing her life? I'm going to try to get up the nerve to start making phone calls to find my bfather today - yes I know I sound spineless :P , just need to prepare myself to be rejected again. Thanks for posting on here, you've given me a reason to get this process started again instead of waiting for my bmother to make a move. xxxxxxx N.C.

NC, I have the utmost respect for you for considering your b-mother's feelings. But please be reminded that this search is about you, not her. I'm sure she is a good person, but as an adoptee, you have the RIGHT to know about your birth family. My b-mother (in the beginning) was very hesitant in granting me information about my b-father's family. So after patiently waiting for years, I asked her for a name & city. I could tell it bothered her, but she complied. I knew the chances of me not being embraced were there, but I searched anyway. I'm glad I did. Even though my brother hasn't contacted me, I feel at peace. My search has come to an end and I have the closure I've needed. Good luck to you!!! xxxxx Seanymf:)

I can relate to this. I was giving up for adoption at birth. To make a long story short i was raised as an only child. While i was growing up Bmother went on and married and had a family of three girls and one boy. I had the reunion now almost 6 years ago Bmothers wishes were not to tell her family (my birth sibblings) as she never told her husband that she raised the family with about me. I did meet one sister but only as a "friend" without her knowing who i am. All the birth siblings are now married and having children. I am missing ou on nephews and nieces who will never know i exist. It hurts that none were giving thru the adoption family who except for adoptive parents the rest wanted nothing to do with me due to i was adopted and of different nationity. I have come to accept the fact i will never be fully reunited with the birth family and live with it. Even if i could meet the sibblings in the"right" way there is a fear of more rejection as they grew up as a family together i would be like an alien to them that had a b father that ran off.Also met B father once rejected there and drifted away from him as he married and went on with life and started a family after me.

Hi my name is melissa and i was adopted out when i was 2 and i was in foster homes and i my bfamily still had visition rights to me..the state took me because my bfather was retarded and had sex with little kids and my bmother was raped by her stepfather and her stepgrandfather and now she is still sleeping with alot of guys.. i never met her but i found all my bbrothers that i know of and my bgrandma's brother. but they dont talk so its be hard for me to live my life the way i want to because of the adoption.:(

hi melissa -- one thing that seems true in many adoption stories, is that there's a lot of pain in the bfamily past, and you've had your share i see -- but remember, you are not your relatives, and you are more than any relationships you're able to create or maintain with bfamily. looks like you're the seeker and connector and the one with the most love to give -- keep giving love to yourself first, you deserve it, then reach out for the people in life who give back to you. i was rejected by my bmom and some of my bsibs, in situation where my bmom lied about my behaviour and tried to get the "clan" to take sides against me -- there were many factors -- but no matter how bad it seems, always remember that other people's pain and dysfunction is not your fault. keep looking for your bmom -- you need some closure there, and knowing her history, sounds like she could use some healing too. guys don't stay in touch very much, just try to take them as they are. so much pain, people... remember that we are unique and beautiful spirits and that we do belong to the human family, always. there is a place for us even if others choose to miss out on all we have to give. speaking of, and since this is in the support group thread, i don't know how i would have gotten through without my post-adoption support group. the wonderful people who stood by me when i searched, stood by me when it all came crashing down, and their caring helped me get through being treated badly by bfamily -- when my afamily had no idea how to comfort me, and friends and loved ones just didn't get it (including some of them had "seen it coming" and wondered why i didn't). also, it was so important that i continued to have contact with bmoms who'd searched for their kids. it made me understand how different a woman mine is, who did not search, who told my bsibs i was dead, and resisted contact. searching bmoms are brave, and my bmother is a coward -- self-professed, too, on eof the first things she wrote to me. she's a survivor and i respect her for that, and always forgave her for giving me up, but i despise her cowardice and the lies she told to try to get me to "tow the line" in the bfamily. who needs a relationship with that. :D

i guess i'm pretty lucky that sounds like torure:( lucky

At the start of 2022, I messaged my biological mother (let’s call her Jane). The main reason I messaged her was for medical history, as when they completed my adoption papers, they took it as a joke and lied about everything. At first I was angry, but I refrained from calling her anything mean. I was upset because my life before this point wasn’t too great (my adoptive father had cancer and was really sick, a relative of mine mentally and emotionally abused me, and I was diagnosed with (possibly) Schizophrenia and OCD and was having a hard time dealing with it.) I felt guilty for my emotions and I apologized to her, which she accepted and said was fine and natural. She then gave me the names of all my siblings on both sides (I was given up for adoption because my birth father (let’s call him John) was married and having an affair with Jane, who knew he was married). She had told me she and my siblings wanted to reunite with me soon. I said that was great, but what I was really there for was my medical history, since my psychiatrist was hastily pushing me to get the info. She and all my siblings denied having schizophrenia, and that the other side had the problems. A few days after I had made contact, John, who was in hiding from his kids and me, made contact with Jane. I was happy, as this meant that I could get his number from her. She denied me this though, saying that “it’s not right” to give me his number. He would never talk to me, but he talked a lot to Jane, even taking the time to flirt with her again. She siphoned out enough info during the next two months which told me that the mental illnesses probably came from his side. I never got a straight answer as to what he had, though, which frustrates my psychiatrist to this day, as they don’t exactly know what type of ‘psychosis’ I have.Anyways, Jane and my siblings on that side kept promising to meet me, saying that they missed me. During this time, I wrote cards for birthdays and holidays, sent them artwork I made with my time and effort, and even sent them money. After a year, they ceased all contact with me, stopped posting on social media, and basically ignored that I existed. This made me mad, as she didn’t help with my medical history, and she gave me a false hope that I could have a supportive family with her and my siblings. She had told me that she didn’t tell her biological mother about me after 22 years, and that she had to “wait for the right time” (which was never going to come). So I thought what a lot of people in the comments thought: she didn’t respect me and my wishes to get my medical history and a relationship, so why should I respect her wishes to keep it secret? So I wrote a letter to her mother, stating who I was and what Jane did. Unfortunately, me, my psychologist, and my parents believe that the letter was intercepted, as my brother promptly attacked me through text, saying I was being disrespectful to her and that I had to apologize. I said no, I will not because I didn’t disrespect her, I was just telling the truth. I got a letter a few days after he sent that message to me, but I know it wasn’t from my biological grandmother. It deflected all the blame from Jane and continued to lead me on with the promise of meeting up in he future. So I let it go for five more months, until yesterday, when, with the advice from my psychologist, I sent another letter, this time with Restricted Certified Mail. This time it can only end up in her hands, and if she still rejects me, at least I tried.Anyways the point is this, your biological family doesn’t respect your wanting to have a relationship, so why should you respect their wanting for you to be not part of your sisters life? It only harms you and the people who are denied the reward of knowing you. Anyways, that’s just my two cents and if it cause you more pain to meet her then don’t do it. I wish you luck.