Healing after placement is deeply personal. Each birth parent will find different ways to heal. When I was deeply sad and did not know how to express my sadness, I began to write poetry. I am not a poet. I had never written poetry before and I have not written poetry since the first year of my birth son’s life. For some reason, it actually did help heal me.
In October of 2006, I was having a difficult night. My birth son was two months old at this time. Anytime I would feel the grief beginning to service, I would break out a pen and try to get my feelings on paper. That particular night in October, I transcribed the following poem.
Do you feel me yearning for you
in the middle of the night?
I reach out to hold you
but you are nowhere in sight.
I come back to reality
and the pain hurts so bad.
I can’t understand why I feel this way.
All I wanted for you was a mom and a dad.
You were my baby boy,
in my belly wrapped so tight.
My happiest moment came,
on your very first birthday night.
When I think of you,
it brings a smile to my face.
I then remember where you are,
and it takes me to my sad place.
Please don’t take my sadness,
as if I regret.
Knowing you are safe and loved,
allows me not to fret.
Although I am not the one
who sees you when you play,
I hold you in my heart,
every single day.
This poem perfectly expressed how I felt during that sad moment. I missed my little baby with ever fiber of my being but I still did not regret the decision that I made for him. Expressing sadness is a part of the grieving process. Some might think you regret your decision because you are sad or crying. Sadness does not equal regret, and it is perfectly acceptable to feel sad and cry. It means you are human and you are experiencing grief.
Find what helps heal you. It might be something that you think you are not good at. It might be a talent you already have. Express that sadness in a healthy way. Healing is a process and takes time. I wrote quite a few poems but eventually stopped because I found new ways to express my feelings. Almost eight years later, I am still finding ways to heal. I am positive that it will be a lifetime of evolving and finding new ways to express how I am feeling.
You will find a way to help heal your heart. Just remember that it is okay to feel sad and miss your birth child. These feelings are normal and acceptable. Missing your birth child does not mean you regret your choice. Crying, even sobbing, does not mean you regret your choice. Each time I wrote a poem, I was typically in heavy sobs, with hot tears streaming down my face. You are not alone in your sadness.