Many people who want to adopt don’t consider a teenager, they choose to adopt infants. However, many teenagers in foster care need a forever family, also.  According to an article on Adoption.org, in 2021:

  • 50 US foster youth age out of the system every year.
  • Only 50 percent of foster youth complete high school.
  • Only 3 percent of foster youth will complete a college degree.
  • 50 percent of foster youth who age out of the system experience homelessness.
  • 25 percent of foster youth will experience incarceration.

In light of these facts, shouldn’t we all consider if adoption is an option for our families? 

Even if you adopt an infant, at some point, you will parent a teenager with an adoption history. So, whether it’s now, or 13 years from now, if you are considering any type of adoption, you must be prepared for the teenage years. 

A teenager who has been adopted has a unique set of circumstances in addition to the expected perils of puberty. No one escapes hormonal changes, mood changes, body image issues, identity crises, and roller-coaster relationships. The teenage years are tough for the kiddo and the parent, one way or another.  However,  teenagers who were adopted may need additional support. Here are a few things you might consider preparing for:

Their Adoption Story

If you adopted your child as an infant, but have never told them they are adopted, you have a bit of catching up to do. Even though I adopted one of my children from birth and told her from an early age that she was adopted, she still needed to be reassured of her adoption story.  

This will require honesty and vulnerability on your part. It will also require you to assess the maturity of your child and to determine the right time to tell the whole story. Here is what they need to know: what, why, and how

Tell Your Child They Were Adopted

This should go without saying. Adoptive parents should always tell their child they’re adopted because it’s their right to know and understand their identity. Keeping this a secret can damage trust and harm the parent-child relationship, leading to feelings of betrayal. Normalizing adoption from an early age also prevents feelings of shame, helping the child process their story with honesty and support. 

Tell Your Child Why They Were Adopted

This will take a delicate touch. This discussion may include the story of the birth parents. You may have to explain some things that have never been discussed before. Explain them with grace.  Teenagers who were adopted may feel abandoned and unwanted. Let them know they are wanted and loved. Adoption is a good word in our home.

How They Were Adopted

Explain the adoption process. They may have heard some crazy things from their friends or the internet about adoption. Set them straight. If you are adopting a teen, explain what happens in court. Prepare to celebrate. If you adopted a child and they are now entering their teenage years, recall for them their Adoption Day. If you have pictures, share them.

Empowerment

Parents of teenagers may experience power struggles. Learn how to pick your battles. The cleanliness of a room may be negotiable, but driving privileges are not. The same applies to raising teenagers. Negotiate. Communicate. Set boundaries. This way, you are returning some of the power to them. 

Name Changes

One issue many teenage adoptees struggle with is their name. If you adopted an infant, you may have chosen their first name at birth.  Teenagers in the foster system may choose to keep their last name.That’s ok. On the other hand, they may want a totally different first name. That’s ok too. Let your children have a hand in choosing their identity.

Health Challenges. 

Unfortunately, it’s a sad fact that most mental health challenges present during adolescence. If you can obtain medical records from your agency, please do so. Many health challenges are genetic. Most, if not all states, offer Medicaid assistance for youth who were adopted through the foster care system. Take advantage of this to seek appropriate health services. This will prove valuable in the long run. 

Reunions

If you adopted in the US, a reunion with the biological family may be possible. As your teenager nears 18, this may be a topic of discussion. Do not be offended. However, when reunion is not feasible or not advisable, be honest and communicative with your child.  

Estrangement 

Lastly, your relationship with your teenager may be contentious. As such, estrangement from your adult child may happen if certain issues are not resolved. Keep doors of communication open and seek professionals as appropriate. 

Raising teenagers is not easy, whether they were adopted or not.  But adoptees need to know you love them, regardless of what they are going through externally or internally. You don’t have to do it alone. Seek support in your community or online. Be brave and meet these challenges head-on.