How Long Do You Continue to Reach Out to a Birth Mother Who Doesn’t Respond?

Our daughter is nearing her 4th birthday, and I haven’t heard a peep from her birth mom in almost a year.

Kathy Asbery November 06, 2015
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Our agreement with our agency and our daughter’s birth mom seemed simple. We would share pictures/updates twice the first year and then once a year afterwards. But when I set up a private Facebook page, I intended to do updates and pictures monthly. And I did. Religiously. And I would be so excited if I saw that E’s birth mom share a picture or comment on one.

And then there would be months of nothingness. I would write updates. I would post pictures. And there would be silence. Our daughter is nearing her 4th birthday, and I haven’t heard a peep from her birth mom in almost a year. No “Merry Christmas.” No “Happy Easter.” Nothing. And I often wonder how much more effort I want to put into this one -sided relationship.

And then I look into my daughter’s eyes. And I remember I made a commitment to her birth mom. And I know I will continue posting updates and pictures. Because in reality, the only person I really have to answer to is my daughter. I want her to know that I am a woman of my word and that I will do what I say. I want her to see a facebook page full milestones and funny things she has said. A page full of our love for her. Our joy in watching her grow. It’s almost like it is a journal of her life that I am sharing with the woman who gave her life. With that in mind, I will continue forward.

Each situation is different. There are times a birth parent may not be in a safe place, either physically or emotionally. Ultimately, we have to do what is best for our children. So when I think of how long I will continue to post to the silence, I know my answer.

 

Because in reality, her birth mom may be looking at each picture. She may be savoring each hilarious thing our daughter does. Even if she doesn’t respond, she may be taking it all in. She may emotionally be unable to respond. And if she isn’t enjoying this little blessing, then at least I’m giving her the opportunity to see this miracle from the front row.

Each situation is different. There are times a birth parent may not be in a safe place, either physically or emotionally. Ultimately, we have to do what is best for our children. So when I think of how long I will continue to post to the silence, I know my answer. As long as I can look into my daughter’s eyes and honestly tell her I tried, I will continue. As much as I’m grateful for this little girl that has made our family richer and fuller, I will continue.

So, I encourage you to look at your child and think about the journey that brought you together. For me, it was 10 years I waited for this little girl. How long was it for you? How much did you hope and pray for this baby that you look over as she sleeps? Think about that and reach out one more time. And one more time after that. Because all you really have to answer to is that little one that calls you Mom. Or Dad.

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Kathy Asbery

Kathy is the busy mom to four kids and a part-time weight loss life coach. Holding a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology has helped her not only in child rearing and surviving breast cancer, but through the adoption process as well. Her favorite saying is: Live the life you love, and love the life you live!


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