I have a confession to make: I am a birth mom and sometimes I hate adoption.

Let’s first try to get over the fact that I used the word “hate.” It really is a strong word that most use for a thing that makes their heart hurt the most. Something that turns their stomach and makes them wish they had never known the thing that makes them feel that way. Hate.

Although it is a strong and ugly word, it fits when I think of the raw, ugly, and painful emotions connected with my adoption. These emotions are self-inflicted. I chose adoption for my child. I chose to put this pain on my heart. I chose to bring myself to a decision that would inevitably follow me for the rest of my days on earth. Do I ask for pity? No. Never. I do not believe anyone should pity me, nor do I feel that I should be placed on some type of pedestal because I “did something wonderful” for one-time strangers and my child. I made a selfish and selfless decision that affected everyone in my life.

There are days that I do not love adoption. Days when the pain and grief are so heavy that I feel I am suffocating in my own tears. These days are hard to get through, but I do, sometimes without anyone even noticing I had a bad day. I have to allow myself to be angry, sad, and even envious of what I chose not to have for myself. These are my selfish moments.

There are days that I love adoption and I advocate for it with every fiber of my being. Where I lift up women, men, and children to the good that adoption brings to many. These are the days where I can breathe and feel the abundant love through my child’s family. The days where someone tells me that I have made a difference in their life. These are my selfless moments.

As I type this, I am in a car with my husband, children, and mom. We are driving home from a week trip to visit our birth son. Man, that kid and his family fill my heart. I watched him play with his birth siblings and his birth dad. The bond is obvious and I love it. His quirks and spirit are immensely brought on from both nature and nurture. We are a family unit. We are seamless. Although my heart hurts right now, it is not because I hate adoption. It is clearly the exact opposite. I love adoption. I adore the people that it has brought into my life. Tomorrow, my heart may hurt a little more and that ugly H word may creep into my presence, but it too shall pass. Sometimes I hate adoption. Today, however . . . today I love the fact that I am a birth mom because I am his birth mom.

It’s the best part of my selfish selflessness.