I Understand

I have also felt the overwhelming sadness of carrying a child that her father did not want.

Sonia Billadeau February 15, 2014
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I know the sacrifice you are making– I’ve carried a child next to my heart. I’ve felt her hiccups from the inside out– I’ve marveled at her first kicks and studied her growth day by day. I knew how blessed I was to be chosen by God to bring this beautiful child into the world.

I have also felt the overwhelming sadness of carrying a child that her father did not want. A child that was inconvenient to him at that time in his life. The same child that I knew God blessed me with, her father wanted to abort.

I was so blessed to have known God before I knew Bob, the father of my children. Bob made it no secret that “only weak, unstable people need to worship a God.” I just knew that with enough love and prayers, I could change his heart. I went to church alone week after week praying for God to touch his heart and make him my “perfect husband.” I wanted Bob and was too young in love and naive to know that God had someone better for me, and I wasn’t allowing God to work His will in my life. I created my own hell.

I knew that Bob was self-centered. He had a glamorous job. He was center stage all the time. That center stage attitude carried over into our home life. He made decisions that I felt to be immoral, and eventually, I found myself going along with these immoral decisions. The longer these things went on, the further I was from my loving Father. The only loving Father I ever had in my life. My earthly father was abusive, angry, and controlling and surprise, surprise– I picked the same type of man to be my lifelong spouse. Two years after Heidi was born, I was pregnant with Teresa, and Bob demanded I have an abortion.

I questioned my loving God, “How can this happen? How can he expect me to abort his child? Abortion is taking the life of your own child. Only young, single, desperate people ever even let these thoughts cross their minds. We already have other children– we are a family. How can I ever do this? I have a commitment to this person, and I am so afraid to sever this relationship that I can’t breathe. What will everyone think? Everyone will look down on me. You know how I feel! Help me, God! Help me!”

God spoke very, very loudly to my heart…NO! On that day, I chose my children and my renewed relationship with my loving Father over Bob. That was the first day of the rest of my life. A life that God leads and blesses daily.

I knew that God would use all the pain I had endured to bless him, but I questioned how I would turn that pain into gain for God for over 12 years. About three years ago, I started dreaming about having another child. I pictured that child over and over again in my dreams. I watched for that tiny face during the day and dreamed about it at night. I knew that Mike and I could never have children of our own, and I questioned why God would place this overwhelming love and desire in my heart for another child under our circumstances. I prayed and prayed until one day I fell upon Christian Adoption by looking for Christian links on the computer. A peace came upon me. I fell to my knees again and prayed. Mike was not as sure as I was. Adoption on the Internet (a place that we both felt could be referred to as a place for Satan to capture hearts) was crazy, risky, and not a place for Christians. I contacted as many CA references as I could reach and overwhelmingly, got outstanding Christian fellowship and confirmation that CA is more than what they were promising. Slowly, God changed Mike’s heart, and we listed with CA.

Only through the pain of this pregnancy that was unplanned by us but predestined by God, could I understand so whole-heartedly what you are going through. I know the humiliation and loneliness of experiencing a pregnancy without the father. I know how scary it is to think of raising children without a father and not knowing how to support my children. Every pregnancy and situation is different, but every single pregnancy is a blessing. God does not make mistakes. I talked to my doctor about adoption before my daughter was born because I knew she deserved to be raised in a financially stable home that could give her the opportunities that I was unable to provide her at that time. However, their father would not allow his child to be adopted (aborted, but not adopted) and I knew that I could provide a better Christian, loving home than he would. He went on with his life as if we never existed.

I knew in those lonely times that God would lead me and he did. He sent me Mike about 4 years after Teresa was born. Mike is the only earthly father my children have ever known and he is their “Dad.” He is the one who holds broken arms, consoles broken hearts, and teaches them about life. He escorts “his ladies” to church, coaches their sporting events, and travels hundreds of miles to watch his daughters dance and cheer. He takes away car keys for driving too fast, grounds them when they become disrespectful, and refuses to allow them to go to bed angry. He recognizes our gifts and thanks God for our children. He knows what really matters in life and he lives it everyday.

I am not a poet and I can’t write songs, but I have a heart for children and people that life seems to beat up on. I have experienced a lot of valleys in my life, and I know that God did his best work with me in those valleys. As Christians, God works in us to bless and minister to each other during those times. Perhaps that is how my Heavenly Father will turn my pain into gain for His glory. I am so thankful for that pain as I await His blessing of a baby, which will be for His glory.

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Sonia Billadeau


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