Adoption will always be one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It made me a mother. It made my husband a father. It brought us our son.
However, no matter how amazing, how magical, and how healed I feel because of adoption, the fact that I will forever be sterile and forever face the feelings of infertility, remains. My feelings from infertility have calmed as I have grown, experienced adoption, and become a mother, but there are some days where it is too much for my little heart to handle. It’s just plain hard.
I think that a lot of adoptive moms think they can’t feel this way anymore–that because they have become a mother and have a child, that some how those feelings are supposed to disappear. I knew that not all of my feelings and struggles with infertility would be washed away, but I didn’t expect to have such bitter days after I became a mother. These emotions came back in earnest when my husband and I decided to adopt a second child. As we are in the finding process, the longer we wait, the more hope I lose.
I see friends and family growing their families. I see their only children become brothers and sisters, something my 5-year-old son asks about daily. When we are out, he sees other families and counts the number of children. He then questions me, saying, “Mama, why do they have three kids and we only have me?” I do my best not to burst into inappropriate sobs, as all the people in that same Target isle as me would probably think I was crazy, and quietly explain to Harley that mama was sick and her body isn’t able to make babies anymore. Most of the time, luckily, this answer suffices his curiosity. There are days, though, when he demands more of an explanation, and asks, “When do I get a baby, Mama?” I can’t answer him. I can’t answer him, and it breaks my soul into pieces.
Infertility is a lifelong thing. The emotions ebb and flow through the different experiences we face. I wish I could tell every single person who struggles with infertility that eventually they won’t have any issues with it, but I can’t. Infertility and sterility bleeds into every single aspect of life. There is no corner that goes untouched. What I CAN tell you, though, is that you aren’t alone. That there are amazing people on your side to stick with you through this. I CAN tell you that it gets better, and the feelings that infertility evokes will become more tolerable. I CAN tell you that this wont break you.
It will not break you.