Photo Credit: Tinxi /

Did you hear the one about how Iron Man was actually adopted by the Starks? According to vinereport, this new story arc has Tony Stark placed for adoption by his birth mother, a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, and his birth father, a Hydra double agent. I literally understand almost none of these words, even though I just wrote them and I have read them at least five times. But here’s the big takeaway:


The Iron Man juggernaut has grossed seventyhundredforty million billion dollars domestic* and has been seen by every set of man and child eyes in the known universe.** Ask a person to tell you who the vice president is of the United States, and there is a 30% chance*** they will answer correctly. Ask those same people who Iron Man is and they will all tell you Robert Downey Jr, Marvel’s golden gift to petty, get-off-my-lawn hunkiness. Even I know that, and I can’t tell you a Marvel from a [other brand of comics? Batmans? American League?] All of these eyeballs could be learning some great things about adoption. Let’s give it a try!

Iron Man: “I know that I got super mad at you Avengers last movie, but that was because my parents died, and then I learned that they kept my true birth story from me.”

Hulk: *Smashes*

Captain America, shirtless: “Hey, I’m from the fifties or the forties or something, but even I know that best adoption practices include openness. You must feel really lost. Let’s cuddle.”

Other Avenger: “I get that they may have wanted to keep you safe, what with your birth mother murdering your birth father, that’s a lot for a child to process.”

Iron Man: “WHAT?”

Hulk: *Smashes*

Loki, shirtless: “Ha Ha Ha.”

Thor: “Am I in this one?”

See, movie makers? This practically writes itself. Just remember the following things—birth parents place children for adoption, they don’t give them up, and everyone involved in the triad is “real.” The birth parents, the adoptive parents, the kids. Even the murdered double Hydra agents of something or other.

Let’s do this. Let’s put Iron Man’s (shirtless) adoption arc on the big screen. The adoption community will thank you.

*not actual number

**except for mine

***Let’s just assume, from this point on, that I have made up all the numbers in this entire article.