Company Name: Insert your family name here
Job Title: Adoptive Dad
Location: Work-from-home opportunity
Directly Reports To: Works in conjunction with Adoptive Mom to perform team-based job actions in the “Parenting Department” of the organization. Will receive direct orders from team leader known from this point forward as “Supervisor.” Expect most demands to be completely irrational, seem somewhat unreasonable, and possess a potentially high degree of silliness.
Start Date: To be determined and depends on assignment.
Salary: Non-monetary. Although the position may at times seem to offer little in the way of actual gratitude, the compensation is expected to be in the form of unconditional love and the satisfaction associated with raising a potentially productive member of society, ultimately capable of contributing to the greater good.
Depending on particular assignment, hazard pay may be involved in the fairly likely event of flying bowls of cooked carrots and other food items deemed undesirable by Supervisor in the first few years of employment. Safety preparedness for several toys left out precariously at the tops of steep and injury-causing staircases may also be required. Successful applicant should therefore be well-insured to account for such situations and have virtual eyes located in the back of one’s head when necessary.
Job Category: Education, Human Services, Finance, Family Counseling, Entertainment, Night Watchman, Nutritional Advisor, Housekeeping, Chef, Security, Health and Hygiene, Multi-Media Supervisor, Driver, many more…
Job Type: Full Time and then some. Candidate should expect to work 1st, 2nd, and 3rd shifts, as well as nights, weekends, and holidays . . . especially holidays. The successful candidate should also adapt well to being woken up at all hours of the night with a blatant disregard for his own desire for sleep, rest, or most other forms of generally helpful peace and quiet. A naturally high tolerance for caffeine may be a desirable trait to accommodate busy schedule.
Experience Required: None. On-the-job training will be provided.
Qualifications: Emotionally secure, mentally strong, and the never-ending capacity to live, laugh, love, care, and support all members of the organization unconditionally and forever. The position of Adoptive Father does not require any previous professional experience, but the successful candidate should be ready for anything at any given time. Therefore, the ability to think creatively outside the box in an attempt to problem-solve and “keep the peace” is absolutely mandatory.
Education Level: No formal education required. Just the basic intelligence necessary to understand human nature and provide a safe, loving, and caring environment for Supervisor and the rest of the team.
Key Responsibilities and Actions: The successful candidate for the Adoptive Dad position will be expected to educate himself on the different types of adoption available and choose the best possible fit for his family. He will be expected to meet all obligations of support, both emotionally and financially.
The Adoptive Dad should be prepared to address and properly respond to all of Supervisor’s questions regarding his or her adoption. In the event of sickness, burnout, or extreme fatigue caused by the rigors of the position, he should be ready, willing, and able to provide immediate coverage for his team member, the Adoptive Mother, for an undetermined amount of time to provide the necessary respite.
The Adoptive Dad should be mentally capable of tolerating the same three episodes of SpongeBob SquarePants every day for a period of 100 consecutive days or more. He should be willing to perform the same of act of extreme silliness a thousand times in a row until Supervisor finally tires of the act and responds appropriately with a fit of rage and/or crying. At which time, the Adoptive Dad is expected to come up with another act of extreme silliness that will prove just as satisfying . . . or suffer the consequences.
The Adoptive Father should also be ready for his supervisor to say something like, “I only like McDonalds cheeseburgers.” Or, “I am too full to have any more green beans, but I am not too full for cake.”
The position of Adoptive Father may also need to pick up a room littered with toys, books, and other associated tools of the job several times a day only to have the same clutter situation occur again immediately after picking them up.
The successful candidate should also prepare for his responsibilities and daily job actions to gradually change over time as follows:
First 18 months: Be prepared to operate efficiently on very little sleep, withstand and function through a variety of uniquely foul smells, and play “Peek-A-Boo” and “I’ve Got Your Nose” for an inhumanely and exhaustingly long period of time.
Next 2-3 years: Successfully handle numerous episodes of extreme and irrational behavior, while ensuring the safety of all team members by properly securing the home environment.
Years 4-6: Use strategic tactics and proven negotiating skills to further the goals of the organization and ensure the well-being of the management team at all times.
Years 6 and up: Continue to provide a safe and loving environment, while also enabling the present and future success of management by adjusting techniques as needed and remaining present and available.
This position will prove to be uniquely challenging, yet supremely rewarding to the successful job applicant. If you think you are a good fit for this position, and have what it takes to become an Adoptive Dad, please begin your new career by checking Adoption.com for additional resources on how you can become a successful Adoptive Father today!