Dear Fellow Birth Mama,

I’m coming to you in hopes that my words will give you hope. Maybe I’m hoping I’ll find comfort in finding a way to express how I’m feeling. There are a few things I would like for you to know, wherever you are in your journey.

Let’s start with what I think is often forgotten by birth moms, but that is crucial in the journey to healing: There is support. Whether you know that or not, it’s important to realize how much support you have. Some families are supportive, sadly, some are not. But you can choose who to have in your life. There are techniques that can be used to find quality people to surround yourself with. The type of people who may not understand what you’ve gone through, but will still love, allow, and help you to grieve. In the age of technology, there is support at your fingertips. Assuming an agency was used, most agencies provide support for birth mothers in the form of counseling or birth mother’s support groups. Ask your agency.

Another tidbit to remember: Your sacrifice will be remembered. That means your pain will not be in vain. Maybe not how you expect it to be, but it will be. Even in children who do not know of their adoption story, their parents will always hold a place in their heart for the child that would not exist without you. In adoptions where the child who was adopted knows of their adoption story, you are thought of. There is a bond formed between mother and child during the months of pregnancy, and while that bond shifts to the mother raising the child, there is still an echo of something once there. I think of my son every day, and I know that he appreciates me as much as a 6-year-old can.

Placement can break you. Either let your broken heart heal and grow—or face remaining broken. If you log into any article online pertaining to adoption and read the comments section, you’ll see many opinions on the role birth parents play in the life of the child, in the life of each other, in the life of the adoptive parents. Sadly, a lot of the comments come from people in the adoption triad who have allowed their grief to break them. By walking through the grieving process properly, this can be avoided. The process is always ongoing, and the chunks of time that are “easier” tend to get longer and longer, but then disappear in waves of time. Those chunks of easy times will return, and when they’re gone, you can turn to your support system for help. Please, allow placement to heal inside of you. Don’t let it fester from a broken heart into a broken person.

Good luck, and much love,

A Fellow Birth Mom.

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