My darling birth daughter,
Oh little one, I love you so. The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. I was happy to deliver you. All I could think about was how excited I was to meet you. You came out screaming and ready to eat, and I was so proud. You were healthy and beautiful, the most perfect thing I had ever seen. Your first few days of life, you were never put down. You spent every moment held by your birth family. I slept with you in my arms, I couldn’t miss a single moment with you.
The day I placed you was the saddest day of my life. I left a piece of my heart with you the day I walked out of the hospital room alone. It is still with you and always will be. You will never be alone; my heart will always be with you. You will forever have my love to watch over and protect you.
My wish for you is happiness. I want you to grow up healthy and strong, never wanting for anything. I want you to wake up in the same bed every day, knowing you are safe. I want you to have a stable family who will raise you the way I wish I could have.
I want all of your dreams to come true, and that’s why I placed you. It was the only way I knew how to give you the life you deserve. When I visit you, I watch you play with your big brother in your princess dress that you never take off, and I hope you will understand. I couldn’t give you the happy, healthy life you have now. But I did the best I could.
Don’t you ever let anyone tell you I didn’t want you. From the moment I knew I was carrying you, I wanted you. I want you every day, to see you and hold you and kiss your little cheeks. I hope you can understand that even if I had parented you, I wouldn’t get to do that. I would have been sharing custody and working so hard just to feed you that I wouldn’t be the one tucking you in at night. I wanted you to have a mommy and daddy who you could count on to tuck you in every night. So I found your parents, and they love you as much as they love each other.
But never forget that I loved you first, and that I will never leave you. No matter where life leads us, I will always be there when you need me. I will listen to you, love you, and protect you–if you want me to.
Little one, I want to thank you. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I was not in a good place before I had you. You gave me a reason to get better. Now I’m trying to live my life in a way that will make you proud. I want to be a good example for you, to show you that you can do hard things.
For now, you’re too little to understand all of this. You are so innocent. You haven’t learned about pain or grief. When you learn, I hope you will let me help you through it. I hope that you will come to me with any questions you might have. I hope that if you feel angry or conflicted about your story, you’ll let me remind you how much I love you.
You’re growing up so fast and so beautifully. Every time I visit you, I am overwhelmed with gratitude that you have parents that understand that you can be loved by two families. Every year on Christmas and your birthday, I give you an elephant. I love to play with you and talk with you. I savor every moment. I hope that you can feel our bond grow. Because elephants never forget.
All my love, forever and always,
Your birth mom