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Home > Birth Mothers' Thoughts > Longing Adoption


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The longing to cradle my firstborn in my arms
to gently touch her toes with my fingertips
her toes delicately curled
like the center of a snapdragon.

Now come the tears of pain and loss…
I would lay her in the crook of a soft quilt
see with my fingers
the fold under her round and rosy knees
feeling for the spring of healthy muscles
delighting in how her little body still curls in
as it was in my womb.

My heart aches now
thinking I can almost see all of her
but I was not there and cannot see her face
hard as I try.

The pain is in my throat now…..
The ‘girl’ still thinks she has no right to cry out
no right to beg for mercy.
The ‘girl’ still wants to wail in grief yet
none would want to hear
not even me.

The longing is not for human form but
the Spirit calling for wakefulness.
The great loving Spirit by which these girls
one born of the other came to be and

the other born of that…..

About nine months into reunion with my daughter, she removed herself from my life for two years. Two years after our second reunion I was inspired to try to express some of the passion and conflict on paper.

My daughter has encouraged me to find a way to share it with others. My hope is that any one woman may be uplifted to find others with similar feelings.

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