questionThe great question of identity and being a birth parent is one of the many combinations within and inherent to the human condition. I read a blog recently about how we think on our biological children almost to obsession–they fill us and captivate us–and then one day, we wake up and the ache is a little less.

The healing continues and you think, “Maybe I am okay.”

There is a deep pain in birth parents, and it is the loss of being a parent. Hold a baby and try not to cry. I dare you not to think about your child you placed.

Last night, I cried for the first time in a while over my baby. Funny how things work out. In church today I sat with a 2 month old baby while Mom and Dad did some ministry.


Later as I chatted with Mom, I was blessed to be able to hold this baby. The weight hung in my arms and reminded me of the residual ache I experience. It reminded me of the pain anyone who has lost a child has felt.

Grief and sorrow are oftentimes the companion of those of us who placed. Anger and self hatred grows unless we monitor it and are willing to be open to healing. Part of healing is releasing the guilt and shame, and saying and truly believing that we are worthy of the love we gave selflessly.

However one chooses to heal, it is vital that it must not be an escape, a recess from the reality of what you are feeling. What I experience, what you feel, whatever it is, hear me on this: YOU are okay. It is okay to cry and let out the pain. It is therapeutic.

A friend once said that depression is anger turned within. I used to be so bitter and full of hate. That isn’t saying I don’t get angry. But now–because I have walked through healing–I can see the symptoms and do the things that aid me, not set me back.

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So who am I, if I am not a mother? Today I don’t know the answer. But through continued perseverance and knowing I have peace of mind and heart, I can find myself and dig myself out of the rubble of the experience. And hopefully, I can help someone else out of their rubble too.

Today I choose to live for the moment and for the little joys of my existence. I dare you to dream and hold your hand out and help someone out of their pain. Because when we move past our own needs, we often find the answer we were looking for.