You will never get over placing your child for adoption. Ever. There is no going back to normal, and no forgetting. You will cycle through stages of grief at different times throughout your life. You will always miss your birth child.
When I placed my baby for adoption, I signed up for all of these challenges. Choosing adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had no idea at the time how grateful I would be for this experience.
I’m not over the loss I experienced through placement. I don’t want to be. Little R showed me what love truly meant, and for our situation, it meant I had to give the title of mother to someone else. But I have gained so much more than I have lost. I have gained the title of birth mother, and through open adoption I have a beautiful, unique relationship with her that I cherish.
Just because you won’t get over it doesn’t mean you can’t move forward. You are not stuck.
Being a birth mother will always be an important part of your identity, but it is not all that you are. You are strong, courageous, and giving. You may be a mother, sister, or friend. You are allowed to have a life. You are allowed to be happy.
The grief you feel now won’t go away- but it will change. Grief is fluid, and moves through stages. Maybe now you are consumed with hurt and sorrow that feels like it will never end. Someday it will change, and the sorrow will only come once in awhile in wistful moments, and then it will pass.
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You will never go back to normal, living life the way it was before you were pregnant. You will find a new normal, a better normal. For now your normal involves a depth of love and emotion that you didn’t know before.
Things really will get better- they did for me. It hasn’t been an easy ride, but it has made me strong. I have accomplished things I don’t think I could have were it not for having little R- I turned my life around for her, and kept it that way for me. On the days that are hard, remember that you will get through it, and it will pass – because you are birth mom strong.
Pregnant and considering adoption? You don’t need to do it alone. Click here to connect with a caring, compassionate adoption professional who can help you figure out what’s best for you and your baby. All consultations and counseling are absolutely free.
Are you considering placing a child for adoption? Not sure what to do next? First, know that you are not alone. Visit Adoption.org or call 1-800-ADOPT-98 to speak to one of our Options Counselors to get compassionate, nonjudgmental support. We are here to assist you in any way we can.
