I am an adopted person and a big sister of four adoptees. My grandmother is also an adoptee. Some expectant parents who are considering adoption may find themselves asking, “What type of relationship can I have with the adoptive family?” Although I have never placed a child for adoption, I can speak on this question as an adoptee who has reunited with my birth family.
I am an adoptee who was born and placed for adoption in the late 90’s. At the time, adoptions were still commonly closed. Although this closed practice was common, open adoptions were becoming more common. Books like The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier, an adoptive mom, encouraged adoptive relationships to be more open.
Children who were adopted typically do better in families who are willing to share facts about their adoption with them. Adoptive situations that allow for the adoptee to have contact with their biological family, when safe to do so, are often healthier and thrive.
I did not know I was adopted until I was 8 years old. My parents didn’t tell me I was adopted, I asked them and they had no choice but to share the truth. This is not a recommended practice anymore. I believe adoptees have the right to know that they are adopted from the moment their adoption takes place. Despite the lack of information, and the extreme secrecy, I ended up finding my biological family with the support of my adoptive family. I was 23 years old when I connected with my maternal biological family.
What type of relationship can I have with the adoptive family?
Adoption has changed so much in the last 30 years. Many believed that if a child didn’t know that they were adopted they would adjust better. This simply isn’t the case. Agencies, with the help of much research and many adoptees speaking out, now encourage openness and honesty with adoptive parents. Parents are encouraged to tell their children about their adoptions from the beginning. This is a massive improvement in adoption and a major win for adoptees worldwide. If we want adoption to be something that is encouraged, loved, and celebrated, we have to be open and honest about it.
Birth parents used to not have the option of choosing parents for their unborn children. In today’s adoption climate, expectant parents will be presented with families who are hoping to adopt. This makes the difficult task of choosing to place a child less daunting.
Adoption agencies work hard to pair expectant mothers with an adoptive family that fits everyone’s needs. Expectant mothers can tell their social worker all of the things they want long-term for the baby. The social worker will choose from thousands of hopeful adoptive families and try to make the best match. Hopeful adoptive families often are willing to meet with the expectant mother to see if the match is good.
Open adoption is more commonly accepted and recommended today. The amount of openness is usually dependent on what the birth mother wants. If the potential adoptive family isn’t willing to be as open as the birth mom wishes, she can move on to another adoptive family’s profile.
Although I can explain this because of my adoptee status, my experience with being the older sister of adoptees, and listening to many adoption stories, the experience of placing a baby for adoption is best expressed by someone who has done it. I love Katie’s story. I was first introduced to her when she shared her story on the podcast: Birth Mother’s Amplified. Her story is one of heartache and beauty. She shares the details of the process of placing a child and how open adoption has impacted her life. If you are an expectant parent considering adoption, I would highly recommend listening to Katie’s story.
If you want a very close, very open relationship, you have the option to choose an adoptive family who also wants a very open and very close relationship with their child’s birth parent. It is important to establish a plan going forward in the adoption. The adoptive parents not only need to be committed to your child, they need to be committed to you. If you are okay with a less open relationship, maybe occasional letters and pictures, then choosing an adoptive family who would like that kind of openness will suit your needs. If you want a totally closed adoption, matching with an adoptive family might be a bit more difficult. Although it might be a tough match to make, adoptive parents wanting closed adoptions do still exist.
As an adoptee, all grown up, I hated being in a closed adoption. The secrecy and lack of information were painful. There are many reasons that open adoption is common and encouraged nowadays. Although it might be difficult as a birth mom to revisit the pain of placing your child, it might ultimately be what is best for both of you. I am so thankful to be in a healthy reunion with my birth mother. Because of the reunion I have updated medical information for myself and my children. I also have the luxury of knowing the people I came from. I am thankful to have an adoptive and biological family that has happily adapted to the level of openness that I need as an adoptee. Knowing where we come from as adoptees helps us develop a strong sense of self-worth. Adoption is a tricky thing to navigate for all the parties involved. But as adoptive parents, birth parents, and adoptees, we have to do what’s best for the adoptee. The adoptee is the center of it all.
