Open to Close

Open to close. That was how adoption seemed to go. We have a closed adoption with my son’s birth family. We did send pictures and letters the first 6 months after placement. The birth mom never responded to us. After the adoption was final we sent a couple of pictures and letters, then we stopped. About two years after we adopted our son, the agency closed down. All of the paperwork and files went to Austin. Luckily I still have some contact with the social worker that worked there. They are not sure where our son’s birth mom is now. We had always planned to keep the adoption closed and then we adopted our daughter.

The agency we went through with our daughter requires you have an open adoption. We have an open relationship with our daughter’s birth mom. It is very challenging having one child that knows her birth mom and one child that does not.

My son is now 5 and has asked us several times where his birth mom is. As a parent, you want to be fair to all your children, but this circumstance is tricky. My husband, I knew our son would probably have a lot of questions about his adoption when we brought our daughter home. After our first meeting with our daughter’s birth mom, he started having questions. We explained we didn’t know where his birth mom was and we didn’t know how to find her. He seemed content with that for now.

Luckily he is only five, so we haven’t had to explain the reasons why we can’t find her. What worries me is when he gets older and more intuitive. Our social worker told us to always be prepared for questions that are hard to discuss and might hurt. When we adopted our son we did not realize the importance of open adoption. We wanted the adoption to be closed. Now we know some open adoptions can work and can be beneficial to everyone. Every adoption is different. You definitely have to decide what is best for your family.

When we were going through our home study our social worker asked if we wanted to find our son’s birth mom. My gut reaction was to say no. At the time, I told her we weren’t sure if we were ready. My husband and I wanted to discuss it first. We had not thought about making contact with her before. To be honest we were scared. My son’s birth mom has been in jail and has been involved with illegal drugs. She is known for being very unpredictable. We were scared of what she might do or even say to us, or worse, our son. My husband and I wanted to do what was best for our son.

We would love for him to meet his birth mom someday, but we are not sure if right now is a good time. Am I being selfish? Too overprotective?

As for now, we will not be going forward with trying to find his birth mom. We might wait until he is a little older and can understand more. We will continue to tell our son about his birth mom and his birth story. We will pray to be guided into making the right decision.