Do you have a song that takes you back to a certain moment in time? A special song, that stirs up the emotions of a specific moment, no matter what you are currently doing or feeling? For me, that song is A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri.
During our adoption search, that song seemed to speak to me every time it came on the radio. I would sit in my car and sing along as tears streamed down my face. It wasn’t a song I had on any playlist, and so I would listen to it play at random times as the radio stations dictated.
Heart beats fast Colors and promises How to be brave How can I love when I'm afraid To fall But watching you stand alone All of my doubt Suddenly goes away somehow One step closer I have died every day Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
I knew that somewhere in the world, a baby was waiting to join our family. This was the baby that I had dreamed about. A baby that, at that time, I was spending every waking moment thinking about, searching for, and wondering how in the world we were ever going to find him. It was hard. It was emotional. At times I wondered if I was losing my mind.
After many, many ups and downs and a failed adoption, we finally found him.
We spent two tender days in the hospital with him and his beautiful birth mother. My husband and I were happy, but it was very surreal. Those days are sacred to me, but are also kind of foggy. When I pictured finally having that baby in my arms, I pictured lots of happy, relieved tears, but they didn’t come like I expected them too. I don’t know if I was just shielding my emotions in case his birth mother decided he wasn’t going home with us after all, but I spent those days feeling a lot of sadness for her struggles, and in disbelief that this tiny little boy was really mine.
Two days later, we were all discharged. His birth mother signed the adoption paperwork, allowing us to take him home. The final goodbye was difficult, and my heart broke as we watched her walk away. Still in a daze, we dressed our son in the clothes we had brought for him, strapped him in his car seat, and drove away from the hospital.
Was this real?
He started to get fussy as we drove, but calmed down when I took his tiny hand. He wrapped his fingers around my finger and sucked on his pacifier. My husband turned on the car radio and without warning, A Thousand Years started playing. I gasped. Finally, the tears came. My cries got harder and harder until they were shoulder shaking sobs. All the heartache, all the nights spent wondering if I was truly feeling led to do this, or if I was just going insane; all the moments of fear, the moments when I felt the world crashing down around me – they were suddenly worth it.
He was really here. The little boy I had hoped and prayed for was now a tangible human being. He was sitting next to me in the car with his fingers wrapped around mine. He was real. I was so overwhelmed with emotion: love for him and for his birth mother, sorrow for his birth mother’s sorrow, gratitude, humility, and total awe. I sat and cried and cried until I had no more tears to cry.
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
It has now been four years since he became part of our family, and still, every time I hear that song, I cry. It takes me back to that moment when I sat staring at a precious, little boy, in total awe that he was real.
Do you have an adoption song? We would love to hear about it, and why it speaks to you.