Deciding whether to place your baby through adoption is difficult enough, but it can also be difficult to decide whether you should make your choice known to others. Is it a positive or a negative thing to let others know your decision? In this article, we will cover why a birth mother should not advertise that she is placing her child through adoption. This article will also include the cons of advertising intent to adopt for prospective adoptive parents.
Reasons Birth Parents Should Not Publicize Their Adoption Plan
Making sure your baby has a better life than you can give him or her, especially if you are a teen mom or you just feel unprepared to take on that role, can be difficult. Making the selfless decision to give your baby a better life can give you negative attention when you let others know. Some may see it as a precious gift you are giving another family while others may think you do not want the responsibility. Here are some of the many negative responses that an expectant parent may face and suggestions on how to respond.
1. Those close to you and in your inner circle or tribe may not understand why you would want to give your own flesh and blood away. When this is the case, you can take the opportunity to explain your decision and why you have come to peace with it.
2. Others will ask you what your plan is once the baby is born and may not agree with your decision to give your baby a better life. That is perfectly fine. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your and your child’s future.
3. If you are an addict, you may feel you have to explain to others why your child(ren) was placed in foster care and/or might be adopted because you are struggling to get clean. You make the best decisions for yourself. If you ever feel shame from others for your decisions, remind yourself that you are doing the best you can for you and your child and that is enough.
4. People will use the phrase “giving your baby away” when you talk about adoption and that may make you think that you are a bad mom or dad for even considering placing your child through adoption. Use this as an opportunity to learn and educate others about positive adoption language.
5. According to familyeducation.org, sharing your intentions on social media can make the life-changing decision that much harder to deal with because there could be positive and negative opinions shared about your choice. This will allow others the opportunity to weigh in on their opinion of important decisions in your life. Unless you’ve found peace with your decision and are sure of your and your child’s fate, keeping the details private could save you from the unnecessary stress of the social media peanut gallery.
6. Sometimes parents or loved ones will expect you to keep the child and you may feel pressured into making that choice. Psychology Today states that you shouldn’t keep a baby just because someone wants you to. You need to make the best decision for you and your child. Parenting is a lifelong calling. You make the choices for your lifetime, no one else.
7. Some people may tell you that it looks easy to raise a child because they have watched some of the many movies and reality television shows that depict young pregnancies. Shows like “The Pregnancy Pact” on Lifetime or “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom OG” on MTV which glamorize being a teen mom and can encourage you to do what your peers are doing. Some people may not understand that you have made the choice to give your baby a better life than you can provide. That is okay. The only person that needs to understand your decision is you, that is why it is important to become educated about your options sooner than later.
8. Some may not understand that you feel purpose in your pregnancy because you can give a couple the gift of being parents or adding to their family. A gift they may not be able to achieve on their own. Giving your baby a better life gives your life a different purpose than if you are going to keep your child. Again, not everyone will understand your decision. If you feel strongly about your decision and happy to give to someone what they cannot get themselves, share those feelings of positivity and peace with those who may not understand.
9. If your family members are expecting to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins to your child, they may want you to keep the child. You may be married and are having troubles and know that having a baby will not fix the issues you and your spouse are having. Pregnancy may make those issues worse. Yet, you still want to provide the best life for your child and so you decide on adoption. You might want to keep the fact that you are looking into adoption to yourselves as sometimes families do not always understand. Until you’ve come to a certain decision about your child’s future, only share that information with those you trust to respect your choices and support you no matter what they are.
10. You may be feeling internal turmoil and you may not want to let others know what you have chosen so it can leave you room to change your mind if you want to. Whether you are choosing to place through adoption or keep your child, the choice needs to be yours. The impact of placing your baby through adoption has lasting impressions on those who choose this route. You can always change your mind, though. If you feel any conflict about your decision pre-placement, you may err on the side of privacy when it comes to sharing your decision with others.
Having a baby at an early age can make you feel as though you had to grow up fast. Even though we talked about the negative impacts of sharing your choice to place your baby through adoption, there are also good things that happen with adoption as well. You know you want to give your baby a better life, but you also know the impact that placing your child through adoption can have on the rest of your life. The impact may not be all good things or bad things as this is a life-changing decision and there will be a little bit of both.
You may always wonder how your baby is and if he or she is safe. Even though you chose parents that you felt were the right ones at the time, you may long to see him or her and watch him or her grow up. However, when you are pregnant, choosing what is best for the baby is the most important decision you can make. Not only for the baby but for you as well. As a young mom, you might not get to finish high school or college and, even if you could, there are still the sleepless nights, getting up several times to feed or change the baby, finding a daycare you can afford so that you can finish school, and being able to keep up with your schoolwork. It would all be extremely difficult. These things and the baby’s needs are what you must think about when looking at the negative and positive for sharing the choice you make for your baby or child.
Reasons not to Publicize Your Interest In Adopting Too Soon
In most states, adoption laws are relatively similar, but publicizing the desire to adopt can be different. For the purpose of this article, the definition of publicizing your adoption means advertising in any forum such as social media or the newspaper.
Becoming a mother is a dream that most women have from the time they are little. Unfortunately, for some, this is a difficult endeavor. So, sometimes couples have to look beyond having a family the traditional way. Adoption is one of several methods to build a forever family. Here are some arguments as to why prospective adoptive parents should not announce their intent to adopt.
Others may not understand why you do not look into ways to get pregnant. Infertility is a sensitive subject. Considering adoption is nothing to be ashamed of and if you feel confident in that statement, then share why you believe so when and if others become critical.
You may feel the need to be private out of fear that you could fail the home study or not get chosen by the birth mother. While these fears are valid, they should not deter you from seeking the support you need. The adoption process is long and challenging. There are trustworthy support systems and professionals who can help you navigate the process and home study. You should not feel shameful about circumstances in the adoption process that are out of your control such as a birth mother’s choice to place her child with you.
According to Woman’s Day, one reason you do not want to publicize that you are looking into adoption is that making this decision is not to be taken lightly. When looking into adoption as a way to start or grow your family, you must think about all the steps that must be taken and ponder long and hard before you arrive at your decision. Adoption is not for everyone. But, if it is the best option for you and your family, then you should not be fearful of welcoming the support of others.
If you are single and want to adopt, others may see it as a irresponsible because your family would not look like a traditional family. This does not mean that you cannot adopt. If you can meet every qualification of your state’s adoption eligibility laws and have chosen to align your life with parenthood, you should have no shame in sharing that with others. Be selective of whom you share your feelings with in order to protect yourself from judgment until you feel the time is right to share your plans and experiences.
Another reason not to publicize your intent is that others could think that loving a child that you did not give birth to would be hard because you would not have the same biological bonding experiences you would have with a biological child. This part of the adoption and fostering process takes a lot of perseverance and patience as you learn to unconditionally love this child the same way you would have had you given birth to him or her. Share your feelings about adoption with those who feel so inclined to offer their opinion about your decision. If you feel it is appropriate to share your own concerns, plans, and successes with bonding with an adoptive child, it can be a great opportunity to educate others about the successes of adoption.
Another reason not to make public your intentions to adopt is that if you have children already, it might be hard for them to understand why you want more children. This issue may be a good reason to do some family counseling prior to adopting a child. Be wise about how you educate your children about the adoption process and what it will mean for the family dynamic.
Adoption is exciting. Some families are a little over-supportive of the idea. If you are not yet educated about the adoption process and made the decision to pursue adoption, carefully consult those you can trust to keep the information to themselves. Having a tribe of supporters behind you throughout the process is wonderful. But if you feel your family would be better protected from an onslaught of group grieving and pity if adoption doesn’t work out, you may find that slowly introducing the concept to a few family members at a time would be a better plan. It may also prevent an uncomfortable situation in the future if you decide adoption is not right for your family.
In a world where information is so easily shareable and accessible, it is hard to determine when it is the right time to announce sensitive news to those around you. Adoption is a very serious step for both expectant parents and hopeful adoptive parents. Be cautious in your approach to sharing the good news. That being said, prepare for a wave of love and support to come your way when the time is right. Adoption is a beautiful arrangement that builds brighter futures and forever families.