When I was pregnant with our firstborn, years before we started our foster care and adoption journey, it was popular to say, “Sleep when baby sleeps!” I did, and it was good advice.
Until…
Our second biological child came along a month early, and weighed in at only 3 pounds, 10 ounces. She was in the neonatal intensive care unit for weeks, and she was very colicky when we returned home. Although our oldest child still napped, it was the beginning of the end of sleeping when baby sleeps.
My husband and I would go on to foster 20 different kids over the next decade, adopt three times through foster care, and adopt once via direct placement. Had I been convinced that it was my right to sleep when baby sleeps, I would have been frustrated, and quite irritable.
It is so important for parents to get the rest they need, but I quickly realized that I would have to think non-traditionally. I also now realize that sleeping when baby sleeps only works as long as you have kids that all nap—and nap together. Now that we have a teen in the house, a bunch of kids under 10 years old, and a baby; it isn’t possible.
We’ve been through times of medical crisis, severe medical conditions, and a child that was on a feeding tube for over 6 years. During that period of my life, nap time iwas my time to clean feeding tube equipment, fill out paperwork, and play with my older kids.
Now, I find myself making mini cheesecakes for a youth group, checking on the status of a referral for some out-of-country medical for a child who can’t be helped in our home province or country, and listening to electric guitar played by my son.
Supervised visits, specialist appointments, and behavioral issues may make nap times for moms quite impossible. Sometimes kids nap in the car while you run errands, take paperwork to your local child welfare office, or any number of other important things. You see their beautiful faces in the rear-view mirror and smile (even if you wish they were sleeping at home so you could also rest).
Sometimes I am very tired with two little ones who are often up at night, potty training, and 20 cm of freshly fallen snow with sheep and lambs that are having their babies despite the weather. I have found that if the baby doesn’t nap, if there are many babies, or if you have lots of needs that make it hard to nap during the day, there is hope.
In over 14 years of parenting in all conditions, I have gotten creative. Here are a few “rest hacks” that have worked well for me:
For a Colicky Baby
We were up so much at night, every 20 minutes, that we moved a recliner into our room so that I could cradle her in my arms while reclined enough to close my eyes and drift off as often as possible. The position was also really good for snuggling and skin-to-skin contact which is so beautiful.
Hire Help
Hiring a teen to either babysit or clean the house for me helped reduce the some of the workload.One of the best things I ever did was arrange for a housekeeper in different seasons. The weight off my mind knowing that someone would clean the toilets and counters was huge. I know that it might seem that this doesn’t fit into the budget, but again, I got creative. Hire someone for 2 hours, every other week. This is far less expensive than weekly, unlimited. Request certain areas, like bathrooms and the kitchen, to be cleaned, and expect your children to pitch in too. Also, professional cleaning companies may be quite expensive. Look for a teen who wants to make some money and give clear guidelines about your expectations. I would try to take the kids out while the house was cleaned, so the little ones weren’t into the mop bucket, etc. I use this time to run errands, taking care of two things at once. Even a monthly cleaning may be a huge help.
Communication and Teamwork
Sometimes, I will text my husband near the end of the day, saying that I am particularly tired. I try to have supper ready, and as soon as he is home, I head upstairs to nap while the family eats. I come down later rested, and ready to play a game or read to the kids.
Cooking
On the note of supper, keep it simple. Toast and eggs is fine – food is food. I found that for myself, supper hour felt chaotic. I enjoyed putting the fixings into the slow cooker in the morning, smelling the delicious smells all day, and just serving up at dinner time. Make things even easier by using online grocery ordering, or even grocery delivery. No taking a bunch of kids into a store! I always found grocery shopping with a bunch of kids in tow to be quite exhausting.
Be Honest
If you are tired, tell someone. A friend, grandparent, or someone from your circle might love to have your kids for you so you can rest. I am aware that some people are struggling for these types of connections due to a recent move, stage of life, behavioral issues with children that have affected friendships, etc. When this is the case, it can hurt the heart. Try signing kids up at the same time for the same activity so that you can sit on the sidelines and watch, or go to a coffee shop and read a book. If all else fails, and the weather allows, pack up lunch or pick up something to go!, and head to the park. An enclosed area is best so you aren’t chasing little ones. Sit back, and enjoy your kids!
Parenting is hard, and doing it with little rest can feel brutal. Don’t worry about what traditional parents are doing. heir methods might not work for you, and may even be absurd given what you are handling. Remember that you are making a family, and that the adoption journey isn’t for the faint of heart. Love your kids, rest when you need it, and enjoy every single moment.
