Depression is a misunderstood mental health disorder. The media often gets it wrong. As with many mental health and medical issues, real diagnosis terms are often used as casual shorthand for emotions. “I’m depressed” can be heard as a common response to a team losing a game, a bad day at work, or feeling a bit sad about something.
Unfortunately, because depression is often used interchangeably with sadness in a conversation it can be jarring to realize how different those things can be. I live with a person with clinical depression and am a person with clinical depression. My children all have diagnoses whose symptoms overlap with depression in many ways. As with any mental health disorder, there are multiple ways the disorder presents and multiple ways to help treat it.
The first step, as with all things mental health, is diagnosis. Family physicians can offer referrals to psychiatrists for psych evaluations but some are willing and able to diagnose and treat without one.
With the help of a physician, you’ll begin a treatment plan. Unlike something like strep throat which has a clear diagnosis and standard treatment plan, things like depression and anxiety are less medical disorders to fix and more things one learns better to live with.
I take medication and see a counselor and my depression is better than it was but it isn’t fixed or cured. If I stop taking my medication, if my situation changes, if my brain chemistry tanks for no apparent reason, I’m back to where I started.
One of my kids exhibits most of the typical outward signs of depression: lethargy, lack of interest in what used to be favorite activities, and isolation. One of the most frustrating aspects of my life at the moment is knowing there is something wrong and being unable to help. He refuses counseling, medication, and any kind of outside intervention. As he isn’t a danger to himself or others, there is no way to force treatment. And so I’ve had to learn that as with so many things, people need to see they have a problem and want to accept help for the problem for things to change.
Another one of my kids thrives with counseling. Still, another has learned that if she says “the right thing” she doesn’t have to go.
So, it’s difficult to say exactly what a plan of action should look like for your particular loved one with depression. I will try, nonetheless to give you some helpful ideas.
Boundaries
Treat your person with gentleness but not condescension. Ask if they would like the company. If they say no, give them space but don’t ignore them or allow them to holed up without supervision for too long. They may not want help, but they still need it. If they seem like they might hurt themselves, the best course of action is to seek medical help. That is a situation where loving intervention, despite their desires, is required.
Reboot
A sensory reboot can be beneficial for someone experiencing depression by incorporating sensory tools that provide comfort and regulation. Items like weighted blankets and plushies offer soothing pressure, while quiet fidget toys and chewable necklaces help manage sensory overload. Sensory chairs, hammocks, and balance boards can help release energy in a controlled way, creating a calming environment. These tools have been helpful in my neurodivergent family, with each item playing a role in promoting emotional balance and relieving stress.
Not everyone likes a tight hug, mind you, but personally, if I’m feeling particularly down, a snug bundling of blankets and a strong hug can go a long way to help improve my mood.
If you can, encourage your person to take a shower. It will be the last thing they might want to do, but something about a warm shower and nice-smelling soap helps to boost mental health. It also helps to change from what could be several-day-old sweats into clean pajamas. This might also give you the chance to change their bedsheets and air out the room they’ve been hibernating in.
Offer easy-to-eat foods and water or their drink of choice. Offer it with a crazy straw for added benefit.
Patience
Be patient but not neglectful. They may well need space and time to start to feel like talking about it. They may never feel like talking about it. However, if they go more than a few days without talking, it is time for medical intervention. They may not be verbalizing they want to hurt themselves, but allowing themselves to waste away without eating or drinking is another form of self-harm.
Personally, I sometimes have no good reason to feel overwhelmingly sad. Some of my worst depressive episodes happened during a time when things were fairly normal. Sometimes brain chemistry just tanks out and it takes a while for it to get back to normal levels. It is embarrassing and frustrating to try and explain what is wrong to the people I love that nothing is wrong. Nothing bad happened to make me sad. I’m just…sad. But it is such a deep sadness that feels insurmountable.
Encouragement
Be encouraging but not condescending. I don’t want to be commended for taking a shower. That feels like a very normal thing to do that shouldn’t require the mental or physical energy it sometimes requires. It’s frustrating. If you feel helpless watching, imagine how helpless it feels to be trapped in a brain that is insisting something is terribly wrong when all signs point to that being entirely false.
Endurance
Please don’t give up on us. Sometimes we can be really, really mean in a misguided attempt to drive people away because we feel like we don’t deserve love or friendship. It might be a way to try and make it easier for people should we decide to try and end our lives. It already feels like we don’t deserve the love we have, so pushing people away feels like the right move. We can be hurtful and downright cruel. Don’t excuse that, but please don’t allow it to work. Know it is generally a misguided attempt to protect you from us.
I hope this helps you love your person better. We often don’t feel very lovable and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy left to our own devices.
