It’s here: the holiday season. We are somehow in December and I am still trying to figure out where summer went. November begins the cinnamon oil, slip-and-slide to New Year’s and what is touted as the most wonderful time of the year but is actually…not usually that. 

It’s not that I don’t like Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, holiday parties, etc. I mean, in theory I like all of those things. However, I’ve learned over time that for our family to enjoy this time of year it requires me to be proactive about my planning and managing expectations. As a family of neuro-spicy individuals tackling this season takes extra care and missteps are easy to make. 

I am unapologetically an introvert. I can remember the feeling of relief when I learned there was a name for the feeling of being utterly drained after too much social interaction. As life is full of surprises, most of my kids slide far onto the extrovert side of the spectrum. This means if I want to fill their bucket I need to be careful to fill mine first or we’re all left wanting. 

For me, a calendar is key—preferably a calendar app that alerts me when things are about to happen that I need to participate in. When I get information about appointments, parties, and travel plans I pop them into the app as quickly as possible so I don’t forget. I am not always great at this. I’m trying. 

I also need to make sure to take time to feel rested and calm before walking into situations I know will be overwhelming and/or stressful. Full disclosure: y’all, it’s all pretty stressful to be honest. Classroom parties, sports parties, remembering special school dress-up days, and managing to not lose my cool with the people around me can be a special kind of disaster. 

I allow myself to take naps if I have time, even 15 minutes if that’s all I can manage. 

I try to buy the things we might need and store them so I’m not rushing around at the last minute. (This does not work if the kids are particularly nosy and go through cupboards, cabinets, and drawers to find treats. I’ve found whole bags of candy I thought I had hidden well-dwindled down to three pieces when I went to retrieve them.)  I try to buy clearance things at the end of the year before and store them in my closet. Again, this has mixed results. I’ve had the most luck with remembering I pre-bought gift bags and wrap but have found gifts meant for the previous year hidden in grocery bags under my bed, so… do with that as you will. 

Because all of this involves multiple people and many moving parts, I try to be as prepared as possible, but ultimately, sometimes, I just have to say “no” to things. “No, I’m not leaving the house at 9 o’clock at night because you neglected to tell me you needed candy canes for tomorrow and there was no note in the parent portal.” “No, I am not going to a party that will be loud and busy where I will be expected to watch children and engage in small talk about my holiday plans.” Sometimes that means the kids don’t get to go to those things. Sometimes it means my husband takes them and I stay home in silence.  

I also make sure I have:

  • A charged phone
  • A charging cable and backup battery
  • Ear plugs or noise canceling earbuds or headphones
  • Gum to chew so I don’t destroy my jaw from too much clenching
  • Small gifts like tiny origami cranes and frogs that can make someone’s day a little brighter. It’s hard not to smile while holding a teeny origami animal.
  • Permission to leave should the need arise
  • An escape plan 
  • Clothes that are appropriate for the event that you feel comfortable in. (I’m likely to decline invitations to go to parties where anything over jeans and a sweatshirt are the dress code. 
  • Snacks

This is, of course, not an exhaustive list, but it is a good chunk of it. 

Unfortunately, I know myself and my family enough to know that despite best efforts there is potential for everyone to struggle. The part about the escape plan seems like a joke, but I promise you it isn’t. Sometimes if we’re expected at an event with a lot of people I’m not friends with, I have a few friends who I can text and they’ll call me so I can excuse myself without too much protestation. I make sure to know where all the exits are, and where all my kids are. Sometimes it’s my kids that need to be rescued so they don’t have an emotional meltdown from sensory overload. 

If possible I set a specific time limit for whatever event we’re going to. I can promise I’ll be able to stay and be conversational for a certain amount of time but all bets are off if we go over time. If the weather isn’t too hot or cold I’ve been known to sit in my vehicle or take a walk with whatever kid might be also feeling partied out. 

The bottom line is to know your limits and the limits of your kids during the holiday season. Sometimes the best course of action is to say no, even if you’d like to be able to say yes. It is often more difficult for me to be an active participant in the following days if I push myself too far trying to accommodate everyone but myself. 

I am an introvert and that isn’t a bad or defective thing about me. It means that being around too many people for too long makes me feel overwhelmed. To re-energize, I need quiet time alone. It isn’t shyness I never grew out of or me being stuck up. It’s just part of who I am. So, Happy Thanksgiving, Diwali, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Christmas, Winter, Holiday, New Year to everyone. May your days be joyful and your nights be full of quiet firesides, new books, cuddles, and peace.