“The Ghost Within” by Rebecca Tillou

The writer explains her thoughts and inspiration behind "The Ghost Within".

Rebecca Tillou May 14, 2018
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The Ghost Within: Written by Rebecca Tillou

Every day I see her

Glimpses of black hair

to her shoulder, wavy and free

Dark brown eyes

A mirror to my lost, rejected soul

Every day I hear her

A laugh

that Echoes mine

Words, apologies, soft and sincere

I am sorry

I did what is best

Please forgive me

Let’s be friends.

She is seen and heard

In the confines of my mind

I can’t touch her

She can’t hold me

I think of her

 Her being walks right through me

I am left alone

in the corner

Tears falling from my eyes

A lost child.

I wrote “The Ghost Within” when I was searching, and discouraged. I had started to feel defeated. I remember, I had joined a poetry group in my town and decided I would do Stream of Consciousness poetry. So, I just wrote whatever came into my head. The poem was the end result. I so wanted to find her, my birth mom. I wanted to stare into the eyes that looked down at me when I was born. I felt that my image of my birth mom was like a ghost. I could see her, and describe what I thought she looked like, but there was no substance to her. I had never met her. This poem encompasses the fantasy I had of my birth mom. One of a few. That fantasy I am sure some adoptees think may be true, and it is in a lot of cases. She did what was best. She wants to be friends. Inside though, I feel like a little girl, a lost little girl, searching for someone, something to look like, to act like. I wanted so bad to find her, and at the end of the day, when I still didn’t have a face, I felt like a lost child. I didn’t know where my smile came from, why she placed me. It was all a guessing game. My birth mother was a ghost to me. Once I found out who she was, the sad part was, she remained a ghost.

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Rebecca Tillou

Rebecca was adopted as an infant. She found her birth family in May of 2013 and continues to keep in touch with them. Sadly, her birth mother passed away in 1999. She and her husband live in New York and are the parents of two beautiful little boys, Dominic and Nicolas. They also have a German Shepherd mix named Chester. She was recently diagnosed with FASD at 34 years of age. She is currently working with nofas.org and thearg.org to get the word out that there is hope, and that you are never too old to better yourself.

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