The Ghost Within: Written by Rebecca Tillou
Every day I see her
Glimpses of black hair
to her shoulder, wavy and free
Dark brown eyes
A mirror to my lost, rejected soul
Every day I hear her
A laugh
that Echoes mine
Words, apologies, soft and sincere
I am sorry
I did what is best
Please forgive me
Let’s be friends.
She is seen and heard
In the confines of my mind
I can’t touch her
She can’t hold me
I think of her
Her being walks right through me
I am left alone
in the corner
Tears falling from my eyes
A lost child.
I wrote “The Ghost Within” when I was searching, and discouraged. I had started to feel defeated. I remember, I had joined a poetry group in my town and decided I would do Stream of Consciousness poetry. So, I just wrote whatever came into my head. The poem was the end result. I so wanted to find her, my birth mom. I wanted to stare into the eyes that looked down at me when I was born. I felt that my image of my birth mom was like a ghost. I could see her, and describe what I thought she looked like, but there was no substance to her. I had never met her. This poem encompasses the fantasy I had of my birth mom. One of a few. That fantasy I am sure some adoptees think may be true, and it is in a lot of cases. She did what was best. She wants to be friends. Inside though, I feel like a little girl, a lost little girl, searching for someone, something to look like, to act like. I wanted so bad to find her, and at the end of the day, when I still didn’t have a face, I felt like a lost child. I didn’t know where my smile came from, why she placed me. It was all a guessing game. My birth mother was a ghost to me. Once I found out who she was, the sad part was, she remained a ghost.
