If I had to list the most important people to the success of my family functioning, my husband and my two other best friends take the first three spots. If I didn’t have them, I feel that my story and the story of my family and our connection wouldn’t be as good as it is today. They collectively keep me grounded. When I need to cry, when I want to quit and run away to the woods and beg the Fae to take me in, or when things are too difficult for me to handle on my own, these people are there.
It’s almost impossible at times to stay connected with people as a parent. As an adoptive parent of kids with emotional trauma, it can be even more difficult to keep my head above water. Between therapy appointments, sickness, school, and any extracurriculars, my days are full. Even seeing my husband, who lives in the same house as me and is here all the time, is difficult to connect with some days.
So, how do we make it work? I’m glad you asked. Sometimes, we don’t. It can be a week between times when I’m engaged in an actual conversation that doesn’t revolve around my kids. My husband and I, tired of finally getting a date night and then only finding things about the kids to talk about, came up with this plan for connection.
Book Club
We are both avid readers and while our genre preferences don’t always make a perfectly overlapping venn diagram, that has been working in our favor. We pick books and I will listen to the audiobook version while I’m doing all of the things I need to do around the house. He’ll either read during his downtime or also listen to the audiobook when he’s doing something he can do while listening to a story.
We listen to our book and then we talk about it. We have our own personal book club. We often find funny memes or videos about our favorite/least favorite parts and exchange them during the day.
Having something that has nothing at all to do with our kids to talk about has been huge for us. It’s opened up doors of connection to talk about things like political issues, societal and gender norms, different types of fiction and how they are divided, and so much more. It is easily one of my favorite things that we do lately.
Movie Night
We also try to make time a few nights a week to watch a show together and chat about it afterward. We carve out time to exclude our kids as the center of everything. They are so important, but they aren’t the only people we should care about.
The point is to figure out something, maybe only one silly little thing that is just yours and your person’s. Don’t feel like it needs to be profound. If poetry is your jam than sure, lose yourself in some Robert Frost/Emily Dickinson discord, but don’t feel like it needs to be a deep topic to find an important connection.
Check-Ins
Don’t write off things like check-in texts, emails, or the occasional zoom call if distance is an issue. I know it seems like one of those things we’re all supposed to do (get enough exercise, eat right, go to bed on time) but can never seem to manage as parents. I know it is next to useless to say “do the thing” when the reason you don’t do the thing is because there appears to be a barrier to entry. Connecting doesn’t need to mean brunch every Tuesday or weekly date nights. It doesn’t need to be profound every time. The key, at least for us, has been consistently making the effort to be someone besides a parent.
Yes, my role as mom will always to some extent be part of my identity. I’m proud to be their mom and I’m glad I get the privilege. But as they get older their issues get more complex and it is exceedingly easy to forget to reach out. When I feel the most overwhelmed is when I’m the least likely to say anything. Thankfully my people know me and see me. They reach out to me because we made it a priority among ourselves.
Why does it even matter? Well for me it is a matter of mental health, and perspective. Sometimes, the problem in front of me feels like the end of the world. Talking it out can make me aware that it isn’t as big an issue as my brain is making it out to be.
Practically, it helps me feel less overall frustration with my kids. If I have someone who can laugh with me about their antics I don’t feel as angry about those antics. If we’re having a bad day, my people will bring me what I need. I have never been more thankful for my people as when I’m sick. Gatorade, encouragement, and dinner for my family have all been provided this past week as I convalesce with covid.
Remember, when choosing the path of connection over isolation to start small. You’ll be surprised how much even a little bit can help.
